Hi mummies, I need advice on a non breastfeeding issue. My father in law has been taking care of my daughter since I went back to work when she was 2 months old. Since then, baby has had problems latching on, tried for so long to get her to latch again but to no avail, so now I'm exclusively pumping. My father in law insists that fat babies are healthy babies and has been feeding her a lot since I went back to work, even when she cries and turns away, he will still force the bottle in her mouth. baby is > 97th percentile and the PD has asked us to limit her intake. Somehow, my father in law refuses to respect my husbands and my wishes when it comes to our baby. He insisted on feeding her water before she's 6 months old, wanted to give her solids before then also and he insists that we should give her the pacifier. I live with my in laws and I get very stressed out worrying if he is giving her water or solids, or not letting her sleep. It's so bad that I changed my job so I can be around more to take care of my baby. Every morning before I go to work, I will prepare her morning feed of 160ml (she was drinking 210ml previously) and go to work. Imagine my surprise when I was home and realized that he topped up the milk to 210ml again. And he does this for every feed till I come home. And if she wakes up 1.5 hours later, he will insist that she is hungry again. On weekends when I bring her home to my mother's she drinks 160 per feed and it will last her at least 3 hours. I know that he will never do anything to hurt her on purpose but I am getting very annoyed that he doesn't respect our decisions. How do I handle this ? Even when the PD tells him, he insists he knows better. Help. (Sorry for the long post)

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It's inevitable to have conflicts when you get your next of kin to look after your baby. Compared to paid help (ie. IFC) where you have greater say in how you want your child to be looked after, your next of kin is doing you a favour. Besides, they're your elders, which will require you to show them respect, it's an extremely sensitive matter to handle. If it's something that is making you really uncomfortable, such that you cannot turn a blind eye to, raise it up. No one will intentionally harm a child, but well meaning people may unintentionally harm a child due to ignorance. It's your role as a mother to step in to protect your child. The very fact that your father in law does things against yours and your husband's wishes and even thinks that he knows better than the doctor already provides ample clues with regards to future upbringing of your kid. He thinks that he knows better than everyone and appears to be closed to suggestions. Today it's about milk which many have shared about implications of force feeding on obesity. When she's older and starts on solids, I'm sure instead of letting her have the joy of tasting food with her key intake being milk, he may insist on force feeding her with porridge, with the insistence that it'll fill her faster without understanding the intention of weaning is exposure to flavours in the initial months. If your kid is exposed to a force feeding environment, she may develop negative emotions towards eating and hence hate eating. The implications on her future intake of nutrients are very real. There are endless possibilities of him insisting his own ways, such as adding seasoning, usage of walkers, toilet training at a very young age, intercept when you're disciplining etc. Some mothers can close both eyes, some can't. If you belong to the latter, suggest that you speak to your husband or mil to give him a stern warning, or you will look for an alternative caregiver.

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6y ago

Totally agreed! Also in long term, it affect your relationship with hubby as well.

You are inviting a lot of future problems if u continue in this disrespectful scenario. Please sit down with him and ask your husband to talk to him. There are serious complications that arise due to force feeds. Ask him how will he help if these complications arise. In future if your child faces obesity, how will he help you'll to tackle that serious issue. Force feeding is like an addiction. Later on in life it's the one thing your child will turn to for comfort or may even equate that you love lesser than grandpa becoz u don't feed what she twant. So right now is the time to tackle this problem. You are a qualified person. You can get a job once your baby is old enough to go to day care or school. Your child is your responsibility. You need to decide if job is needed or the well being of your child. If your husband cannot help in dealing with his parents then you need to quit working and go after this issue full on. Let him also realize the importance. If you are a financial contributor then he should learn how to control this compulsive issue and support you in every way. Can you'll work alternately...I'm sure if solutions needed to be found it can be worked out for. I had a maid who used to work for a household that had a same problem...only difference was that the girl she cared for was 3 years old and weighed 25 KGS. The doctors put the little girl on a very strict diet which the maid judiciously followed. And within 7 months brought down the weight of the little girl by 15 KGS. It's not an impossible task. It's just that prioritizing is needed. The money you may earn today you will use to bring the excessive weight of ur baby in the futur.so why not start now itself. This is a very very serious problem. Please nip it in the bud right now.

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I was staying with my in-laws when I had my firstborn. My pils behave just the same as your fil. We have talked to them several times but to no avail. They insisted they are my pils and they can do whatever they want as it is their grandchildren. Eventually, we move out on our own but the issue never stop there and continue. Long story short, due to their selfishness my girl's health is affected. She has asthma due to them smoking in front of her and giving her food she is sensitive to. We brought her for allergic reaction test and got report to prove that. They still go ahead to do what "they know best" than PD. Ask yourself will you be able to forgive yourself when your child's wellbeing is affected? If you can't, I suggest you talk to him and tell him out front if he can't respect you as Mom you need to find alternative caretaker who respect your decision. I regret my decision to respect and maintain the so-called "relationship" and cause my girl to suffer for life. I will stand up for her if I can turn back my time. Also, if he can't respect you for the smallest thing like feeding. You can foreseen a bigger issues in the future. Trust me, if you get pushover once it is hard to get the right footing in the future anymore.

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First you need to move out from your father in laws house. Narasan ko rin yan but I made a decision not to live with my in laws and I'am right for doing that. Ask help to your mom if you can live to your house for the meantime. Act now before its to late, why? because you may not see the side effect with your baby right now. Habang lumalaki anak saka mo pa lang makikita epekto nito, tulad ng pagpaakain ng before 6months. According sa study solid food given too early may cause allergies and eczema, and researchers say there may be a link to chronic diseases like diabetes and celiac disease. May possibilities din na magkaraon ng early heart problem due to over weight. Alam natin na hindi gusto ipahamak baby mo kundi ang mapabuti ito kaso mali na eh kaya ikaw na magdesisyon ngayon pa lang. Hindi kita tinatakot sis kundi gusto ko lang malaman mo ang pwedeng mangyari if you will not act now. Its hard to be a working mom pero unahin mo muna si baby. Kaya mo yan..

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Tell him that you are her parent and firmly but politely tell him to respect your wishes as a parent. In the worst case scenario, you can place her with a babysitter, hired help or an infantcare. It's not his kid, and him refusing to listen to YOU who is the kid's mother is one thing. Topping up milk when the child isn't hungry is akin to force feeding. To me, it is a serious issue. Overweight children are not "cute", it's dangerous and unhealthy. My baby is 2mo and fully breastfed. She is chubby and 90th percentile, but we don't feed her anything else and have never supplemented with formula. The two main issues: - Force feeding - Lack of respect due to you as a parent

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Oh my, this seems like a tricky and sensitive situation. I recognize that some grandparents assume that they know better. I respect their beliefs but if it is unhealthy for the kid, then something must be done. Have you tried meeting in between? Yes, let your FIL feed your child, but how about you prepare the meal and the portion. Put each portion of milk in a container for mixing later, then hide the milk can so he can't top up anymore :-D Or better yet as someone suggested, bring him to see the PD so he can listen firsthand from the expert. Obesity in childhood may cause obesity in adulthood. This is proven science. I hope you can get this resolved soon :-)

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Don't mind me saying, all the above advise will cause more issues between you and your in-laws. How about respecting the main care giver ( Your FIL)? Please note that what he did are small infringement at best, the science is not out yet on right parenting technique(feeding bah bah) With the above said, do you invite your FIL to visit PD together? Is difficult for parents to accept advise their children, let alone DIL. (Heard of the saying, don't teach your father how to F***) The best is to use someone with higher authority (Your PD) to advise him or someone he will listen to(FIL's sister or brother)

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6y ago

it's stated above tht when the pd tell her fil, he fil thinks otherwise. tht he knows better. please read.

Since you and your husband had already talked to your FIL and he refused to listen, I think it would be better for you to sort for alternative care. As a mother and parent, I understand how frustrated and fearful and the care taker of my baby refused to take in any of my basic baby care directions. In future I guess your FIL will do more 'annoying' things to your baby and out of control. There are alternatives such as infant care and nanny which might be more feasible for you. Hope you can sort out the solution soonest.

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goodness... even i don't think he is doing this to hurt your baby, but maybe he is too concerned and actually thinks only he can care the best. sad but contradictory. i suggest talk to your hubby ASAP and get alternative care arrangements done. look for a good daycare near your workplace so that it is easier for you to be available for the baby instead of it being your FIL

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if he is the main caregiver and he refuse to follow your instruction. the only solution is you quit your job and be the main caregiver. most of the old people especially uneducated ones will not listen because they do not understand (or refuse to understand). they truly believe they are better than rest of us even the doctors & nurses.

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6y ago

agree. I was once told by a 'friend's' family member to not trust drs and nurses of a certain hospital, but their cousin works there. lol.