Ask the Expert: unconscious emotional traumatising

We hope everyone has been safe and well, during this period ? . For this Ask the Expert Session, the topic will be about 'How normal Asian parenting habits can inflict long term issues on children'. . Our Expert, Christine Wong: Founder &; Principal PsychoTrauma Coach for Rhemaworks International Pte Ltd, will be answering your questions all about asian parenting habits and cabin fever. . Don't forget to leave your questions in your comments section for Christine to answer!

Ask the Expert: unconscious emotional traumatising
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I grew up in a typical Asian family, being raised by my grandparents. I grew up with my siblings and cousins. My grandparents preferred the boys to girls and will often scold and hit us when we were naughty or not obedient. They will always make comparisons among the kids. My parents were busy and they don’t really communicate with us. As a kid, I had low self esteem, insecure and felt very inferior. These negative feelings continued till adulthood and affected my relationships. Even though I am considered successful in their eyes, I feel like it’s not real. Is this imposter syndrome? Now that I am a parent, I do have flashbacks. How do I avoid these mistakes and treat these long term issues? I am thinking of how to raise my child to be an independent and secure child. Would appreciate your advice, please. Thanks!

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1y ago

Very brave sharing, I think so many are affected by these issues..

Contributor

My son who is going to be 13 has been away from school for more than 2 months...he gets anxiety attack when any family member leaves the house...repeatedly making sure we have our mask on and expects us to be home soonest possible...home is safe zone and he refuses to leave even if its just a short walk to the shop below to buy his snack. I am going to have problems when school starts...how can I help him overcome his anxiety?

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1y ago

oh yes - so sorry, too much typing. The concept of death is also largely from the parents or grandparent's own fears. So we as adults must be very aware of the thoughts, fears, limiting beliefs, suppressed emotions etc. The child feels them all. if you want to find out more, you may register for a free seat for my parenting talk happening later @10:30pm. Get your free ticket :www.christinewong.sg

My husband shared with me that he doesn’t have a close relationship with his parents. They were always disciplining him by caning or scolding when he was young. He can be very critical and sarcastic and I am worried that he will see caning or scolding as the only way to discipline or teach our LO.

1y ago

There are many ways to support a child - I don't like to use the word discipline as it may carry many components of subtle or obvious abuse. Caning and beating is physical abuse no matter how much justification you put to it. It can also be verbal and emotional abuse, psychological abuse etc. For a start we must realise that there are 101 ways to support a child. Irregardless of the age they are in. Maybe for a start we take a look at our own internal helplessness first. When we are in this state, there are no other solutions. To compensate for this helplessness, we come up with quick ways to make us feel that we are in control. In return hurting the child.

Contributor

Looking forward to it! I am a father of 2 and very curious of how to better parent. My question is around anger issues and am I able to be a loving and gentle father to my children despite having anger issues?

1y ago

When one has anger issues, there is an unhealthy self concept within. When a parent has an unhealthy self-concept, they do not have a clear idea of who they really are. Their anger is associated with old experiences the parent may have as a child. When a parent is not clear of their own identity, it is not possible for the parent to see their child's identity clearly. For e,g: are you my child or are you me? this will be the parent's internal confusion. When a parent fails to see their child's real identity, the child is also confused of " who am I"? "Am I me? or am I my father?" With this confusion, it will affect the child's life deeply.

Hi Christine, good to have you here :) I have a question. Do fathers and mothers show different tendencies to unconscious trauma on their children?

1y ago

There is no difference between father and mother.

Expert

Hello everyone, good evening! My name is Christine Wong and I will be answering the questions now.

How quarrel among family members can affect a child? Is it normal a child said he don't feel anything or scared when adults are fighting?

1y ago

When adults quarrel, it creates a deep sense of insecurity and uncertainty in the child's internal state. To the child, the parents are their concept of the whole world. When there are conflicts between parents and family members, the child feels unsafe, and their whole world collapse. If they were to respond that they do not feel anything, a part of them shut down the overwhelming emotions - in another words, there is internal suppression of the emotions. And one day it will show up when it is being triggered. Find out more from my parenting talk later @ 10:30pm and get yourself a free ticket at www.christinewong.sg - more details will be discussed- ways of unconsciously hurting your child.

Contributor

Some very deep questions I see being asked - I didn't know so many parents are asking the same questions as me..

What are some Asian parenting habits that are actually not good for the children?

1y ago

Caning, blaming, taking it out on the kid, control, comparing the kids with others and with the parents, you must live up to our family name, you are a boy - so you must ........, you must live up to my expectations etc. You may want to find out more ways through my 2 hours parenting webinar later @10:30pm - get a free ticket from my website: www.christinewong.sg.

Contributor

What is unconscious emotional trauma? Is it related to emotional abuse?

1y ago

Unconcsious means it is beyond us realising that it is hurting the child. Often justifying our own act-outs and failing to see our own emotional triggers as parents. The child has seen their parents and their parents’ parents, therefore they assumed it is normal. ************************************* E.g : Mary has a 5 years old son. She hits the child and screams at him when he spills the cup. After the incident she feels bad about reacting. When she does this often enough she realised that she is doing the same thing as her mother when she was young. E.g - Stella use a cane to hit her daughter. After hitting she makes the child feel that it is her fault - the child is only 4 years old. After she went through my coaching, she realises that it was her own emotions that got triggered when the child misbehaves, that the child has no wrong and the child is innocent - it is her own stress that she cannot manage - and therefore got triggered. She is doing to herself what her parents ha