I am a SAHM with 2 kids. I left my high pay job to care for my child as we are unable to find a good nanny nor helper and we got no help from our parents. At the beginning, I am still using my own saving from family expanse so there is no attitude change in my hubby. The moment I start getting household allowance he started to give me black face. He never help out in the house or make decisions for kids by giving excuse like he respect all my decisions but will start showing me his black face when I don't see eye to eye on his "opinion or decision". For example, he want to see his parents on one Sunday and I told him I will prefer to stay at home to rest due to the sleepless night as my kid is teething. He will say ok but start showing black face or talk to me rudely until I give in. He also stop communicating with me saying that he don't understand my "housewife" mindset or complaining that I talk to him at wrong hours. But there is never a time to talk to him at all. For example, he told me not to discuss anything with him before he go to work, on his way to work, during his work time, during his lunch time, right after he come home, while he is eating or playing his phone nor before he sleep. Also he expected me to keep house spank and clean, preparing dinner on top of caring for our girls and visiting his parents every week. (I don't really like to visit my in-laws as they did the same to me right after I resigned to be a housewife.) If I don't, he will start shout and showing me "black face" again. With all those requirements to fulfil, he expect me to be loving and send him "love" message every day. When I try to explain to him, he will start comparing me with his friends' Wife and start belittle my characters. I don't feel love at all from him or respect by his family and start thinking if I should get a job and start planning my divorce with him as he only use me as a helper. However, I am concern for my kids as they are still so young. What should I do?
My Win-Win Solution 1) What was his reason to go back home? he miss his parents? Maybe can suggest he bring the kids to see his MIL, while you rest at home. win-win! 2) Given the high conflict situation, i think he meant he don't want to be affected at work and might even lose his job. (trust me no one like going out of the house feeling angry) Maybe set aside 30 minutes a day to talk? No HP or anything! win-win 3)Also he expected me to keep house spank and clean, preparing dinner on top of caring for our. Is certainly tiring to clean the house, maybe can consider hiring part time helper once a week? Both of you can get some rest and won't be so easily irritable! win-win, pocket lose a bit. 3) With all those requirements to fulfil, he expect me to be loving and send him "love" message every day. When I try to explain to him, he will start comparing me with his friends' -> He needs a bit of love ;) Does he reply to your lovey dovey message? If he doesn't then tell him he has to do it too ;) win-win! 4) I don't feel love at all from him or respect by his family and start thinking if I should get a job and start planning my divorce with him as he only use me as a helper. -> Yes you should consider getting a job but don't jump into divorce. With the passage of time, things will improve. Anyway the longer the marriage the more you can get from him. ! win-win 5) However, I am concern for my kids as they are still so young. What should I do? -> Read "Putting Children First - Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Child Thrive Through Divorce if it ever comes to that. ! Win-WinRead more
1. What is the bad experience? If it does not amount to child abuse, there is no reason why the child cannot experience the love of both families. 2. You did not reply to the other suggestions. 3. I feel you are dominating over your kids, it is unhealthy for both your kids and you. Please kind seek counselling on your behavior.
I think divorce should really be the last option. It would be really tough to raise your kids yourself and work at the same time to support them. I feel you need to find a good time to tell him honestly how you feel (how under appreciated and 'used' you feel) and ask him if he really prefers you to go back to work to help support the family. If so, you should pre empt him that you expect him to help in managing the housework and children too since both of you will be working. And find a childcare that can take care of your kids. For me I was on no pay leave for 10 months before going back to work. While it was tough letting go of my kid and relinquishing the care of her to an infantcare and now childcare, some benefits I saw was her growing more independent and not clingy to me, and her mandarin is really decent for a less than 2 year old considering how we only speak English at home. Plus I get to go on dates with the husband sometimes on my non working days while she's in childcare and catch up with him. And we now have more money so it's not such a huge pressure on him. I try to make time with my child count when I'm not working. Draw up a list of pros and cons with your husband and make a joint decision on what's best for your family :)Read more
Hi mummy , u know what . I'm in the same situation as you in the beginning when I became a sahm. My hubby would always say I'm a tai tai, shake leg at home , relax life and so on .. I felt hurt and wanted to get back to work too but the thought of getting a nanny puts me off as I've seen so many abuse cases and my kids are still so young . I couldn't do it so I bear with his sarcasm. Even my in laws thought I'm home doing nothing and taking care of 3kids was easy . Until they had to take care of my sil child . They couldn't even handle more than one child . And gradually after my 3rd child was born , she was pre matured and I nurtured her back to health . That's the time when my hubby start to appreciate and saw my efforts for our kids . But of course not all men will appreciate and understand what we as mums go through and fear for our kids . For me I will still go back to work when my kids get older . For now I don't care about how others think of me . They can assume all they want . But I will do my best to protect my kids until they are old enough for me to feel it's time for me to go back to work force againRead more
I did tell myself to bite my lip and endure throughout 18 months so that I can send my kid to full-day toddler class with her Sister. But it is really too much stress emotional and physically to endure those harsh comments from my husband and his parents. My husband was not brought up by his parents at all. He was brought out by other people as my mil claimed that she does not have luck with baby, her thinking is as Long as she paid for his food she has done her part. My husband also feel the sa
Hi Mommy, I'm sorry everything is tough for you now. I hope things will get better for you soon. Maybe you can consider daycare or child care for the kids while you go back to the working world? And see if things between your husband will improve when you have a job again. I kindda know how you feel. I had a really good job that paid really well and I resigned 2 years ago to be with my partner who lives overseas. I also decided to continue my studies overseas. My partner has been supportive and kind but his family is the one who treat me differently as if I am living off their son. I was really hurt initially and dreaded seeing them but I am now done with school and will be rejoining the working world. I realise now that I don't really care what they think and their opinion about me shouldn't matter. Prove them wrong! I hope you figure things out and find your own way soon. My view is that you get a job again and have some of your own "power". It's unfortunate and sad but as women, there is so much expected of us -- be a good mother, a good housewife and also a career woman.Read more
Bilib ako sa babaeng handa isakripisyo ang lahat, ang buong buhay niya, ang titulo niya, ang career niya, ang pagkatao niya para sa mga anak at sa asawa niya. Hindi nari-realize ng asawa mo yung ginawa mo para sa kanila. Nagtatanong ka kung ano ang gagawin mo? Ikaw ang makakasagot niyan. Handa ka bang makisama sa asawa mo, hanggang kailan mo kaya ang ganyang pagtrato sayo. Ang problema kasi sa ganyan, mababa ang tingin nila sa "housewife", akala nila ganon lang kadali. I suggest, mag-usap kayong maigi ng asawa mo tungkol sa bagay na yan. Ano ba ang plano niya sa inyo? Ano ba ang maisa-suggest niyang setup ninyo? Pakinggan mo. Ngayon sabihin mo yung side mo, at kung sa tingin mo hindi kayo magkakasundo sa mga bagay-bagay. Hindi mo kailangang magtiis. Ang kailangan mo ay kapartner sa buhay, hindi yung pabababain ang tingin mo sa sarili mo. Dapat pareho kayong umangat, sabay kayong nag-ggrow, hindi yung aapakan ka at iinsultuhin ka. Pray mommy, hingi ka ng guidance ni Lord, wag kang matakot magdesisyon para sa sarili mo, at sa anak mo (lalo kung girl anak mo)Read more
I was a SAHM for 8 years and because he was the source of household income, our finances became together, his money is your money, you guys are a team, you are not only entitled to an allowance, you should have access to the household money just as he is. In another note, I understand being a SAHM, our focus in the husband and kids becomes magnified, because they are our only world, sometimes after a long day of work, the last thing they want to do is to get into a deep conversation and maybe confrontational one with the wife, and many a times it has happen to me that he shut me out. Going back to work will really help shift your attention and energy from him, and it'll help. All that said, he is not justified for his actions, perhaps find a right time to tell him how you feel calmly and find a common grounds. Good luck!Read more
Stay At Home Mom/Mother 😊
😂😂😂sorry for the laughs...but I have a worst life than you, and I thought the same thoughts. What I did, I fought back and talk straight, "Dear Husband, it's your responsibility to feed and provide the needs of your family so don't start with me with that black face and fouled mouth. If you cannot stop comparing me to others, then give me what I deserve...happy and peaceful wife that being morally supported. If you cannot give the life I wanted, then let's swap our shoes, and take care of the kids and the house and f*** me every night with so much pleasure." And every weekend, ask him to give you rest so that you could come to your in-laws. And...learn to adjust and manage your time and pray so that everything will be fine. Trust God. 😘Read more
first thing first. kudos for being a supermom to let go of high paying job to take care of kids. thats a huge sacrifice. 2nd. next time ur husband compare u to any other wife... ask him to marry that wife... nothing is really green on the other side if u dont water ur side well. 3rdly i need to know if youre muslim.or not. cos if u are from a muslim family. pls do remind your hubs that household chores and everything else is not of the wife job. according to our teachings. and never belittle the wife for a wife happiness lays the husband key of eveything. i wish you all the strenght u need to go thru this. and never give up the family for this "black face" act he always puts up. next time ask him to switch up the role then 😉Read more
hi mummy, big hugs to u, tats the reason why i dare not resign to b a sahm mum even though only intended to b one for not more than 2 years.. im afraid if my r/s with my hubb goes wrong i am nt financially independent to have my lo's custody.. but then again tats my extreme mindset.. can put ur kids to childcare or infant care? tat way u will be able to continue working.. Men always talk sahm is very free, probably u get him to try takinh care for a day so he can understand the amount of chores u have? cheer up mummy, divorce is not the only solution. sure there are other way..Read more
what the.. that is what guys do.. sire he on the phone whole day.. bug hugs to u mom.. i also somehow thinking whether to divorce or not but im more lucky as i have my mom to help me.. whatever decision u make, will stand by u..
sorry to hear about the situation you are in... it's really unfair what they expect of mothers. sigh agree with the other answer that perhaps you can consider a childcare and going back to work. mayb can start with a part time job first, and see whether things get better in your marriage. give it another shot before considering divorce because that's going to be tough on you and your child too. hope things get better soon, and stay strong! we women are made to be strong and withstand harder times!Read more