Parents that we can’t choose
Just wondering if anyone grew up in a not so conducive environment? Growing up my father always like to throw things around the house whenever he gets angry. I never knew this was wrong until much later. My mum wld always tolerate him and ask us not to make him angry. But now that I have a toddler in the same household, he doesn’t throw things but he likes to slam door and shout loudly. My mum on the other hand likes to criticise us whatever we do, calling us stupid, fat, poor etc. Never receive any compliments from them. I feel bad for my toddler because I wonder how much of this he’s taking in. We still have at least 2 more years to stay with them before my new flat arrives. Can’t wait to move out.
My father is a narcissistic devious man who beats his wife, while my mother, a narcissistic borderline disorder personality person. They both are high functioning mentally ill people and extremely toxic to each other and to their children. They pretend they are okay when meeting others but behind the close curtain, it's a different story. My brother ended up in mental hospital suffering from chronic depression while my sister too suffers depression but managed to get it together. She decided to detach from the family. I suffered depression and PTSD but managed to pull together as well. It was difficult growing up trying to make sense of things. I keep myself busy with taking up multiple work and study and finally, obtained PhD, otherwise I would have been absolutely mental. Only now, I come to term that my parents are suffering from mental illnesses.. they're undiagnosed, they don't think there's anything wrong with themselves. Although they're separated over 20 years, they still put hex on each other. They're absolutely crazy with each other. My father end up being a professional scammer, while mother ended up becoming this "white sage" woman. I keep my distance from my mother and I cut tie from my father since the day he kidnapped my brother. He is also obsessed in stalking us. Im 36 years old and my family fall apart when I was age 19 years old. This doesn't go away, you just have to learn to dodge these toxic people. You learn to compartmentalise it and lock it away. Most importantly, do not be shame if you need the support. If you don't have good trusted friends, find professional counselor. It helps to get your mind to think with clarity. They will reassure you that you are not sick or wrong or the one at fault. Since I cut tie and distance myself, I keep my child exposure to my mom extremely minimal and only limit brief interaction. Luckily for me, my in laws are absolutely beautiful people. So my child has normal life.Read more
Try to find a rental place to stay in until you get the keys to your new house. Your environment is not good for your growing child. He sees & watches what the adults do and may probably do the same growing up. I have toxic parents. Cut story short, they were very protective and controlled my 1st born, also their 1st grandchild. I felt like I was not my child's mother although I gave birth to him. For 10 yrs I endured everything including me not able to take my child to live with me until I took things on my own hand & threatened to make a police report against them. My son on the other hand has so much of their influence, I had a hard time 'taming' him. I told and adviced him of the consequences of him following his grandparents way of influencing him. Thankfully, 7 yrs of living with me now, he has shown so much improvement, my way of living. I am not saying I'm a good parent but I know how it feels like to have that kind of parents and I never wish I was like them.Read more
are you me? I feel like you spoke on my behalf too hahahahaha I can’t exactly understand how you feel because I’ve since moved out ever since I got married. I got married for the wrong reason- to get out of a toxic family/parents. It didn’t make things any better because of the psychological effects it had on me. Neither is my husband any better but I’d like to think I’m living with a house mate. Honestly, it helps if you have a supportive husband who makes things feel better. I know waiting for a place you can call your own may be extremely long but maybe try renting out? If that’s not possible, take time off from the home everyday 🥰Read more
i feel you..totally understand because my dad is about the same as in criticizing me and forbid my lo to touch things in the flat, while my mom is bedridden he also said sarcastic things about telling her to die first and soon he will be free etc. recently I found a new job, no more listening to his sarcasm words, freedom at long last. we have to wait for next half year move to our new flat. can't wait to have the keys by then. As for my lo, she has started preschool so lesser time spend at home to listen to my dad's nonsense. life will be better, just hang in there. cheer up!!Read more
Wow! You know what? Recently I saw this post about if given a chance, would I want to relive my life all over again… and the mere thought of my childhood and all those biases from my dad, my answer was “hell no!” That made me realise that I must be a better parent myself, never have preferential treatment towards any of my own kids. Having said that, hang in there, and hope you can shift out soon!Read more