Husband ALWAYS flares up because of this
My hubby & his siblings all have hygiene & neatness peeve issues since young after his mum was a OCD hygiene peeved person. Need to mention both his siblings are childless but always come my house to instruct me clear this and that or discard them away all the time. I explained to them parents with kid sure have a messy house and I am very tired most of the times. It started this when he grew up in an environment quite clean and tidy. But I must mention he came from a poor family and there’s nothing his mum can buy when they were young, so there’s also not much clutters or mess (toys, kids’ clothes) in his maternal’s house. Anyway he did tell his maternal house really empty and doesn’t have much things when we were dating long time ago. Before we got married and moved into our new house, everything was still quite ok because we had no child back then and things were not messy and a lot. However when we finally had a child, things changed drastically, he would on & off just flared up like a madman, threw things on the floor and even ROARED like thunder at baby (even until toddler stage) and me. He said he dislike the house so messy and untidy, with so many toys and clothes hoarding the entire place (rooms & living room). Once in a while, I will try my best only when I am not so tired and have some energy to tidy bit by bit, but whenever I didn’t do it and he flared up, I told him I am very tired after taking care of baby all by myself day and night, I have no more energy to do so, but he wouldn’t understand or sympathise, instead he continued to get frustrated and we ended quarrelling, he either slammed doors to vent his anger or just roared at me because of such issue. There was even a time he got angry with something until he went back to his maternal’s house to stay over and only came home after he simmered down a bit and mainly because most of his working clothes and office notebook were at home. To be honest, I have shared with only a few friends and ALL said what he did was very childish and not loving as a husband and father. Recently, we went to his sibling’s newly renovated house to celebrate the house warming. He was so delighted and commented how nice to have a home so tidy & clean (this happens whenever he visited someone’s house). When we came back, he must have compared our house with his sibling’s house (in his heart discreetly). So yesterday, he flared up slightly again. He said he simply can’t stand why his own house is so messy with all toys and ‘rubbish’? I told him when most people have children, the house will more messy no matter what and even walls can be drawn by the children etc. I said if he’s not convinced, he can ask around his friends. I also explained those friends’ houses which were tidy he has visited before were also not tidied by the couples sometimes because almost all of them either have helpers or their parents or even both to help them out in maintaining their houses. But for us, we really have no one except myself and I am fully drained whenever I took care of our active child. I barely even have enough sleep. Everyday out of 24hours a day, I only slept about 3 to 4 hours max. FYI, there were a few times when we bought from things from a few sellers and have to collect them from their houses, he was very shocked to see how super messy their places were and I must say one of the houses were really even much messy than ours until totally no walking path to enter their living room from the main door. Others were also as messy as ours. On the spot, I whispered to him and said: “you can see for it yourself, I am not lying. All couples have kids, the house sure messy one!” He then commented all of them were lousy & USELESS parents! I disliked how he could have said this of these parents. Parents pls advise me how should I feel whenever he flares up and we (child & I) must face his roaring, slamming of doors, throwing of things and shoutings from him. We felt so fearful but we can’t do anything to make him understand it. Side note: 1) I have seen a counsellor before and was being told I was clearly under verbal and emotional abuse in fact. 😭 2) Even sometimes my hubby would be so lazy until making a cup of coffee or getting him a cutlery would be my job too. 3) Whenever (really once in a blue moon), he can’t stand all the messiness and went to clear some himself, on that particular day he would also act like a madman, anyhow throw things and vent a lot of anger which made us very scared too. 4) Just today he told me he wants to stay in his maternal house for ‘staycation’ as it’s so clean, windy and so newly renovated with great furnishings. I can’t accept this when he has his own house but he thinks of going back to his old house.