Husband ALWAYS flares up because of this

My hubby & his siblings all have hygiene & neatness peeve issues since young after his mum was a OCD hygiene peeved person. Need to mention both his siblings are childless but always come my house to instruct me clear this and that or discard them away all the time. I explained to them parents with kid sure have a messy house and I am very tired most of the times. It started this when he grew up in an environment quite clean and tidy. But I must mention he came from a poor family and there’s nothing his mum can buy when they were young, so there’s also not much clutters or mess (toys, kids’ clothes) in his maternal’s house. Anyway he did tell his maternal house really empty and doesn’t have much things when we were dating long time ago. Before we got married and moved into our new house, everything was still quite ok because we had no child back then and things were not messy and a lot. However when we finally had a child, things changed drastically, he would on & off just flared up like a madman, threw things on the floor and even ROARED like thunder at baby (even until toddler stage) and me. He said he dislike the house so messy and untidy, with so many toys and clothes hoarding the entire place (rooms & living room). Once in a while, I will try my best only when I am not so tired and have some energy to tidy bit by bit, but whenever I didn’t do it and he flared up, I told him I am very tired after taking care of baby all by myself day and night, I have no more energy to do so, but he wouldn’t understand or sympathise, instead he continued to get frustrated and we ended quarrelling, he either slammed doors to vent his anger or just roared at me because of such issue. There was even a time he got angry with something until he went back to his maternal’s house to stay over and only came home after he simmered down a bit and mainly because most of his working clothes and office notebook were at home. To be honest, I have shared with only a few friends and ALL said what he did was very childish and not loving as a husband and father. Recently, we went to his sibling’s newly renovated house to celebrate the house warming. He was so delighted and commented how nice to have a home so tidy & clean (this happens whenever he visited someone’s house). When we came back, he must have compared our house with his sibling’s house (in his heart discreetly). So yesterday, he flared up slightly again. He said he simply can’t stand why his own house is so messy with all toys and ‘rubbish’? I told him when most people have children, the house will more messy no matter what and even walls can be drawn by the children etc. I said if he’s not convinced, he can ask around his friends. I also explained those friends’ houses which were tidy he has visited before were also not tidied by the couples sometimes because almost all of them either have helpers or their parents or even both to help them out in maintaining their houses. But for us, we really have no one except myself and I am fully drained whenever I took care of our active child. I barely even have enough sleep. Everyday out of 24hours a day, I only slept about 3 to 4 hours max. FYI, there were a few times when we bought from things from a few sellers and have to collect them from their houses, he was very shocked to see how super messy their places were and I must say one of the houses were really even much messy than ours until totally no walking path to enter their living room from the main door. Others were also as messy as ours. On the spot, I whispered to him and said: “you can see for it yourself, I am not lying. All couples have kids, the house sure messy one!” He then commented all of them were lousy & USELESS parents! I disliked how he could have said this of these parents. Parents pls advise me how should I feel whenever he flares up and we (child & I) must face his roaring, slamming of doors, throwing of things and shoutings from him. We felt so fearful but we can’t do anything to make him understand it. Side note: 1) I have seen a counsellor before and was being told I was clearly under verbal and emotional abuse in fact. 😭 2) Even sometimes my hubby would be so lazy until making a cup of coffee or getting him a cutlery would be my job too. 3) Whenever (really once in a blue moon), he can’t stand all the messiness and went to clear some himself, on that particular day he would also act like a madman, anyhow throw things and vent a lot of anger which made us very scared too. 4) Just today he told me he wants to stay in his maternal house for ‘staycation’ as it’s so clean, windy and so newly renovated with great furnishings. I can’t accept this when he has his own house but he thinks of going back to his old house.

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Make a room into your child's playroom. Make a rule that no toys are to be out of the room. It's already a red flag in your marriage. Your husband flaring up at the mess, throwing things and shoutings are already an emotional abuse. Next, he probably might put a hand on either you or your child. If he's too much into cleanliness, he shouldn't get married and have a child. Being an OCD does not mean you have to be mean like that. My mum is a clean freak and she always let her grandchildren messes her house but made sure that we help her clean up before we leave although it's useless cos she will clean it all over again. My sister is also an OCD and also her husband. Her husband was brought up in a way that he has to push aside all furnitures to sweep/vacuum and mop before arranging them back. But still their house can be quite a mess cos they have a child. Partners need to work together in a marriage. Doing all the housechores, the cooking or bringing up your child is not entirely a female's job. Might as well marry a helper or hire a helper like that. But then again, I think the helper also will run away with her employer having that kind of attitude.

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2y ago

He can't even afford to hire a helper still so bossy as if he's the boss. Sorry sis. This is my opinion. I rather prioritise my mental health than stay married to this madman. Having a mental issue like OCD is not an excuse to act like one and treat your wife like a slave. Leave him. You deserve someone way better. And I believe that your child will also be under your custody given his state. Talk to your family. This is the time that you need help from them. Fight for your rights! All the best ❤️

VIP Member

Come to think of it, i dunno if u realise, but kids learn ur yall behaviour. So in a way he's setting a bad example for ur kid. If really not so happy, he can always pick up the chores himself. If he grew up in such hsehold all e more he shd b able to pick up some cleaning tips n etc. Never an excuse for men not to do hsewk aye. Even if u r a hsewife, doesn't mean all e chores still belong to u. U still need rest. Even my helper has free time in the afternoon n off days. My bil has Ocd and he cleans up the hse whenever he can. Talk is cheap, real men prove it with actions. Sorry to say this but 1 sided flaring up is just like a kid throwing tantrum. I am not ur maid, i am ur wife who painstakingly gave birth to ur child and nw taking care of him /her. PLS DO RESPECT ME. I do have my pride.

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2y ago

娶我回来是来爱护我,照顾我,不是把我当工具人。家事两个的,哪是我独自一人的。truly feel upset for u.

Get rid of this toxic man. Verbal and mental abuse is also abuse. His behavior is likely to escalate as he starts to pin more blame on you for the mess. The child may have come out from you but would not exist if not for him, so how can he conveniently blame mess on you and the child? He should put in the effort to organise if his own needs for tidiness needs to be satisfied to his standards. Hugs.

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2y ago

Once you see the opportunity, please leave him. I know it’s not easy as you do not have a job but don’t let that hold you and your child hostage. Imagine he gets even crazier and starts physically abusing you. As you said, he is a human time bomb. Save yourself and your child before it’s too late. I hope your 娘家 can do more to keep you safe..

We cnt blame him entirely s he grew up in those environmnt n got used to it.. s ur prt, try to let ur kids play their toys one at a time n keep it straight after play time.. i understand that itz tiring to handle d bby alone.. but in order to save d marriage, we try to give n take n b more patience.. just keep calm.. or try to meet a counsellor.. try to minimize in buying another toys since he doesnt like it..

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2y ago

Already met up with counsellor and was given advice to apply PPO or make him understand, both don’t work anyway. I am very upset because he’s not going to change even though he has a child now.

VIP Member

I am wondering why he don't bother to tidy the house himself? If he is really too much into cleanliness, can't he himself do too? Why does he think it's completely a wife's job? He should understand that you need rest too. You are not sitting at home n doing nothing. Managing a toddler is not easy. The least he can do is offering some help.

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2y ago

What does he mean by taking care of the child is your responsibility alone. He as a father has equal responsibility. Just because he earns doesn't mean he can run away from his other responsibilities. Tell him your priority is taking care of your baby and the house you will try to keep tidy as possible given the free time you get. If he not happy, then ask him to do himself or hire a maid. Or if he still don't want to listen, suggest swapping roles. You start working and he resign n take care of child, house, cleaning, cooking everything. I'm sure his male chauvinist ego won't let you even complete your suggestion. I'm sorry I don't understand Chinese so couldn't catch what you wrote.

TapFluencer

if this happen to me I will tell my hubby you want it to be clean and tidy you do it. I only can do this much even if you scream and shout things won't get in the right place. why not save your energy shouting use it to clean up. this house is not mine only or its is yours only. it belongs to 3 person so contribute to it.

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this is very bad. if u could find a temp place to stay with ur kid( perhaps ur parent place) . do so. allow ur hub to be in the house alone where he need to do tge household chores- including washing his own clothes then he will understand ur hardship. i dont think OCD is an excuse to help him get away with his action .

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When he said “不然娶你回来干什么?”,I totally feel like “娶回来是给你疼爱的,不是当佣人使唤的”. Please think for yourself and your innocent child, with his berserk behaviour, do stay away from him, be careful and always protect you and your child first.

Since he wants to be neat and clean, he should also do the chores. Seems like he complained a lot but then he don’t want to make changes. Shouting and flaring can’t solve anything, it just shows how childish and insensitive he is as a father and husband.

ask him to pay and hire a maid, u are his wife not a maid, otherwise ask him to exchange role with you, bet he cannot even manage for a day!

2y ago

He doesn’t have enough to hire a maid at all. And that’s the reason why I was asked to quit my job and take care of the child, somemore this idea was also being brought up by his mum so I can conceive a child for his family line. I am very sure he can’t manage at all, just taking care of my active kid, it’s already half killing him.