16 Replies
Hi there. Baby can never save a relationship - even if it does, it's a superficial saving which will still crumble. It adds stress to the relationship which only can be handled by 2 persons or it will bring out the issues between the 2 person. If ur relationship is failing - I will strongly suggest that u see a family counselor for the sake of ur marriage, and for ur family and for baby to have a complete home. U shld have a good talk w ur husband and best mediated w a neutral party I think it is ok for u to remind or voice ur opinion after all u are the mother of ur child which give u 50% rights at least? But tell it in a nice and casual way. Husband will quarrel if tone is not right. I will also say husband that he shld help me look after baby or carry if he doesn't want me to ask his parents not to carry. Baby doesn't want to sleep is common. I look after baby myself also the same. In the mean time if really cannot, I will encourage u to babywear baby in a ring sling or soft structured carrier (maduca, ergo, Tula etc brands) or a wrap so that u can still carry but not so tired - u will have hands free and baby will feel secure on u - easier to sleep too
Sorry to hear that u are in this predicament. My husband also don't like to look after children. I look after all my 3 boys by myself. But sometime when someone is willing to take care of my children for me so that i can have some free time to myself; i am grateful to them. Look it in this way so u feel better. Maybe u can consider to let your hubby bring your kids to his parent place and u go do whatever u want. If possible, u may want to consider to let your kids stay with your in law overnight so that they can feel what's your difficulty when your kids can't sleep at night and they have to carry and coax them to sleep when everyone is already tired or sleepy...... At the same time, you and hubby can have time together, just like when both of u are dating. Tried not to said anything negative about your in law if your hubby don't like, instead let him see thru action. Don't let your in law spolit the relationship between u and your hubby. I feel u, sometime we just have hang on if possible. I hope things will get better for u when your kids are older. *Hug hug*
Sorry to hear you’re getting frustrated Erin :( I was in a similar position but with my own mother! If I try to voice out my opinions, she will make it seem that I am not appreciative of her help. Then know, comes guilt when I do need her help to take care of baby. If I could advise my younger self though, I would calmly tell her the reasons why. Elderly, they will nag, but ultimately as the years go by, they will respect your parenting stance and ability. They may not admit it, but they will ease up. I know, easier said than done. In the meantime, tell your hubby that your sleepless nights would mean his sleepless nights too. So, must work together to put baby to rest. Get him on board with the ‘Happier mummy, happier family’ concept. Here are articles on 1. how to deal with in laws and 2. a baby who wants to be held all the time: 1. https://sg.theasianparent.com/how-to-keep-interfering-in-laws-in-line/ 2. https://sg.theasianparent.com/help-my-baby-wants-to-be-held-all-the-time/ Stay strong mummy!
It's never true that having a baby can save failing relationship. U need to find out the root cause of your failing relationship, is it because lack of communication, sexual problems, in laws issue, etc. Seek professional counsellor help if need to. U can explain to your mil nicely saying that she can put baby on playmat, baby seat (u can get it for her to put at her place) though carrying her is a way of bonding. U seek ur hubby's understanding that u are not saying them but he can see that baby will cries in d night. U can slowly trained baby to sit wit u, having some books & toys to let lo play. Ur hubby is not dun want to care, maybe he dunno how to handle it. U can try asking him to help u like bring some water, make milk or spend time bonding wit lo tgt. Hope it helps & Jia u, Mommy!
To have the thinking that baby helps to save the marriage one of the worst thinking ever. Never attempt to bring a life when the foundation of the relationship is not stable. In fact having a child will only increase friction, not enough quality time for communication and worse extended family (if you dont like them) will get us annoyed for baby handling issues and our spouses gets sandwiched in between, causing distress, etc. I think baby not wanting to sleep is common, as my son is also the very sticky kind that must sleep together, need skin contact, extended breastfeeding... I don't mind carry my son as long as I can cos they really grow up very fast. Like now I feel like carrying him, but I can only last like 10 secs because he is too heavy for me already.
HI, I think if a relationship is not going on fine with a couple then it may be the worst tie to plan a baby. Because, then momentarily all seems fine, but what actually happens is, that the relationship between husband and wife was already not fine and they got an innocent one into their lives, who will also have to suffer because of them. Erin, I think, you need to find the cause of your problem and instead of thinking that one more addition in the family will solve the problem, you sit with your husband and discuss the issue. Think where you both are going wrong and what is affecting your marriage and then try to work upon that issue.
Having a baby doesn't improve a relationship, mostly when it's unplanned (from what I observed). Because mine was unplanned too and now me and my hub's relationship is going beyond downhill, but we were fine before I gave birth. Basically he's giving me hell and isn't going to stop. So if you think that you still can tolerate more of it until it gets better (if in general your hub isn't a scheming or nasty person by nature), go for it. And of course you do have all the rights to let them know how you feel about the excessive carrying, just try talking to them nicely. Take care!
Omg. We have the same fate. Hubby doesn't really want to 'care'. Everytime when ask to help (when I'm off to work) he will send to his mom Place or my mom place. And then the parents will give gadgets and give whatver LO wants. Thus, LO getting used to this treatment. Sick and tired. I will be firm when I'm. Picking up LO and told them off even told hubby off. I don't care if I'm being rude. At the end, we are the one who suffers to entertain LO with all these special demands given.
Actually I think baby usually ‘worsens’ the relationship in a way that there will be more conflicts, disagreements and dissatisfaction for both parties. I never thought that baby can ‘save’ a relationship. Having a baby would add on to extra stress and burden as well if your relationship and finance are yet stabilised. It’s silly to think it ‘saves’ marriages.
I believe the baby is cause of you and your husband decision, how can he say he don’t like and don’t care. I will talk to him and seek a mutual agreement on the care taker, cause it’s really so tired doing it alone.