My Mother and i don't have a great relationship. Infact I would classify it as a toxic relationship. She's always been upset that I don't "obey" her and that I march to my own beat. She's a highly controlling and manipulative woman and does things to please others outside the family unit (Super Dr Jekyll N Hyde personality). The world adores her but I am not a huge fan. I feel she has been one of the most damaging influences in my life and I am grateful that I am no longer in her clutches. (We are very civil to each other, though). Anyway, ever since I had a child, my mother has been wanting to get close to her grandchild. I can see that she adores my child and wants to build a bond. However, I still keep her at arms length from my child as I am worried that she will do the same to my child. My Mother can't help but be toxic and manipulative. It's in her DNA. And no use talking to my mum about her behaviour as she is in complete denial to her behaviour, and will play the victim card, where I will come across as the big bully. I struggle with finding the right balance of how much exposure my child should have to her grandma. As I am currently letting her spend two days a month at my parents and my mother wants to spend much more time. Any advice for me?

My mil is the same like your Mom. She acts as a victim in front of other but slap my Husband like nobody business when he did not obey her. Before we are married, she told me she don't like my husband so don't expect her to leave anything for us. When she know my sil is unable to give birth to any kid then she want to be close to my two girls (in the beginning she never even want to be close them as they are not boy). She told my husband she "like" me a lot as I take good care of her grandchildren but told me she hate me because my husband only listen to me nowadays. Long story short, I still let her see my kids twice per month with me around. I will correct my girls right away when my mil do something wrong or treated my husband badly to guide them right, from wrong. It is tired but I feel it is unfair for them not able to enjoy their grandparents' love and I used those bad "moment" as opportunity to guide them.

Sounds like a tricky situation to be in. How is her interaction with your child so far? Sometimes, I feel that grandparents behave differently when they are with their grandchildren as compared to when they are with their own children. Regardless, I personally feel that spending a few hours a week with the grandparents is unlikely that have any major negative impact on the child. Especially since you will be present during the visit and could explain to your child if required. Therefore, I would think that you can consider increasing the number of visits to once a week. I think, in general, it is still better if your child gets to know her grandmother. I feel that children who grew up with a healthy exposure to their grandparents are more compassionate and empathetic. But these are just my personal opinion, what matters most is really what you are comfortable with.

You’ve mulled this yourself, and you are still struggling with letting your child spend time with your Mother. Trust that instinct. Don’t be sucked in by a manipulative family that has damaged your own mental health. How can a parent too toxic for adults, be safe for kids? Mum is pressuring you to spend time with your child? So what. You’re a mother too, one who knows the harm that highly controlling and manipulative people can do. Protect your cub. Be fierce.

Do not allow your personal experience based on your child hood to affect your childs and his grandparents relationship. I think you need to be fair to your child. It is his grand parents whether you like it or not. Id say once a week. Just my two cents.

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