Marriage

I am very sad and unhappy in my marriage. I know my Husband is unhappy too, if not there’s no reason why he would time and again hurt me. Not just emotionally. Used to be physically too. Until he hurt our child too and admitted to hospital due to head trauma. Ever since he stopped hitting me, fearing he lost control again and hurt our child. I cant communicate with him anymore. Can’t feel happy when we go out together. Can’t feel connected with him on every level. Really feels like we are on different page. All this loneliness is driving me nuts. But I found out I’m pregnant. To be honest, I don’t feel like keeping. I know it’s just going to be me who will be taking care of the baby. And I have a toddler and have to face his nonsense. I really don’t know if I can do this alone. I have depression. Really don’t know what’s the best for me. Give birth and divorce? Abort and divorce? Give birth and hope this will work? I really don’t know what to do. 2 person so unhappy together, got meaning?

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My thoughts goes out to you and your family. It must be extremely painful to go through this ordeal. I wish I have the perfect answer for your situation, alas, I do not. I am going to speak for marriage because I am a firm believe of marriage. I speak from my own broken marriage that got healed, salvaged from a near divorce. Please bear with my sharing, as it might sound preachy and a bit of a lecture. Please take my sharing with my sincerest care. Marriage is not about happiness. When I chose my wife, I chose to marry her in love. I hope for happiness, but I don't expect it. Marriage is about love, not happiness. With love, comes a wide range of emotions, including pain and suffering. That's why our vows include "for better or for worse". If you're trying to find meaning in happiness in marriage, you're not going to find it. It applies in other areas of life too. You don't find meaning in happiness in your job, children, wealth. On the contrary, it works the other way round. You find happiness in the meaning of life. In your case, you will only find happiness when you know the meaning of your marriage. I don't have your husband's perspective of marriage, but from the way you describe it, it seems he married with the expectation of happiness. His actions might be the result of disappointment from the lack of happiness in the marriage. Marrying with the expectation of happiness is the number 1 recipe for divorce. You might be wondering, what's the meaning of marriage then? The short answer is, love. The long answer is that you have to find out the meaning of love on your own. Love is something that you must experience yourself in order to give love. Marriage is not the answer to love. Your husband is also a human, who needs to be loved too, before he can express love. If you feel like ending this marriage, I totally understand. It is extremely difficult to give love when you're not receiving love yourself. No one can. I wish there is an easy path for you to take. But just as I went through, there isn't any easy path. I went through excruciating pain that can break any marriage. I was fortunate in my circumstances, that I knew not to expect happiness in marriage, that my source of love has never been my wife, and that I have a strong support group. It's only because I have been loved, that's why I can continue to love my wife despite its broken state. I am loved, that's why I love. Please keep your child. All life is precious. Don't take the easy path of abortion. If I may recommend, find a marriage counsellor immediately. It won't gaurantee a working marriage, but it will certainly ensure that you are not alone during this painful period. The pain of a broken marriage is not for 1 person to bear alone. May God be your comforter during this time of pain, a guiding light during uncertainty, and your source of love.

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3y ago

Basically I’m like a single mum except he provides everything. I’m jobless for quite a while now and I’m pregnant so I don’t think I can get a job at the moment that can supports me and my child, in future I need to support 2 children and a place to stay. I kind of have to bear with all this until I deliver and finds a solution. With depression, it’s really quite hard to get through this period on my own. Thank you for your wise words. I need to find happiness on my own and not depend my happiness on others.

I’ve been where you are at now. No point hanging on if your Husband is abusive. It can happen once it will happen again. Move over it is towards your child as well. Go to ComCare and get a PPO for you and your child. Then divorce him. Need a place to stay apply from HDB a rental place. I was rejected by HDB at first but I went to PAP to seek their help. And here I am with a rental house waiting for my BTO. In Singapore there is a lot of help available. If you need to put your elder one in childcare, You can also apply for further subsidies. Is your family supportive of you? If yes seek their help as well you will need it. Family will always have unconditional love towards you. It will be tough at first but it will get better. I believe you can do it and make your life better.

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hi dear hugs to u, hang in there. i was in your shoes before. my husband is abusive, liar, cheater. He has a mistress and left me and my toddler, i m strong is for my child only. my divource only kicks in this Aug. i have decided that i ended this marriage because there is no meaning. i will be a mother for my child only. i am simply not bother about this bastard. keep your child dont abort it dear, its not his/her fault . n divorce your husband. if there is no meaning, we cant pretend to be with a person just for the sake of a child. this is not the upbringing that i want to bring my child up. as a mother, breadwinner u are more cabable and knows what is best. stay strong mummy, think for your kids, they need you.

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3y ago

I really admire your courage and strength to move on and bring up your child properly on your own. Must be tough on you. I hope everything works out for you by now. And yes I’m still carrying the baby. It’s tough but I can’t end her innocent life like you said.

Try therapy please. Sometimes we need to open up to someone completely non-judgemetal.

You should do what’s safe for you and your child(ren). There is no love in abuse.