Just need to express it here without judgement.
I’m currently feeling the baby blues (not postpartum depression). Just felt this a few days ago. My little one is 2 months plus now and I love him more than life itself. I’m a freelance tutor with a couple of enrichment programme companies - as a freelancer, I’m not getting paid for any forms of leave. As for income, currently depending on my husband as I’m not working at the moment. This is personally difficult for me as I am used to being financially independent and not having to depend on others for my disposable income. I applied for a position at MOE (previously I was from MOE too) and it was a success. But recently got an update that the position has limited availability with high number of successful applicants, so MOE had to sieve through the applicants and in the end I didn’t make the cut. That’s one rejection - thought I could start the job after my confinement period. Now I have to start all over again searching for a full-time job in the education sector. My parents told me to stay on working as a freelance tutor so that I could raise my little one (first child, by the way). I wanted to but finance-wise, it is better if I work full-time too as I need to build my CPF for my upcoming BTO, slated to complete in 2-3 years time. Also having a baby is costly and I can’t depend on a single income. Another option is to continue working freelance for one more year before getting a full-time job. Still contemplating with my options.
Another factor that contributes to my baby blues is the fact that I am staying with my in-laws at their 3-room flat. They are fine, nothing wrong with them. It’s just that I would highly prefer for my little family to have my own space to raise our child. Staying there means little privacy. My in-laws have two young children, aged 11 and 6 (my husband’s half brothers). They always like to enter our room, climb on the bed to see and play with my baby. Playing with my baby is fine but I’m not okay with them always coming into our room and sitting on our bed, watching our TV. The sucky thing is that my husband is the one who allows it, even encourages it. Our room is very small and really cramped with furniture and baby stuff, and I need my space where I can comfortably lie down and do my own things in my room. I am the kind of person who wants to have her own space at times to unwind and recompose. But with our baby now it’s impossible as they would want to come in and play with him whenever they can. When that happens, I would tell my husband to bring our baby to the living room as I want to lie down on the bed, change clothes, etc, so that they can still play with my little one. Bottom line, I dislike when they keep coming into our room because I believe bedroom is a private space. Due to this, I’m contemplating getting a rental flat with HDB while waiting for our BTO to be ready. But that would add cost to our ever growing monthly expenses - this is possible if I’m back to working full-time (and it goes back to my first issue).
Another thing is about breastfeeding. I have had issues with breastfeeding my baby at first. Latching issues. Already saw the lactation consultant. Managed to breastfeed my little one via exclusive pumping (still cannot direct latch as there are latching issues) with supplementation of formula milk, for about two weeks. During my confinement period, I was also in the midst of shifting back to my in-laws (I did confinement at my parents’. No room for myself, hubby and baby. Endured two weeks confinement with no privacy.) as my husband was going back to work after paternity leave. With being busy shifting and adjusting life with baby, my pumping frequency is greatly affected and milk supply totally dipped. By third week, I only pumped once a day and my milk supply was greatly affected (only yield 10-20ml per session). My little one is fully on formula milk ever since. I feel majorly defeated as I failed to provide full breast milk for my baby. Now I hope to relactate but I’m not sure how to. I haven’t pumped or expressed milk for one month plus. I already got my period, not sure if it will affect my ability to relactate. I really hope to at least be able to partially breastfeed my baby, doesn’t matter if it’s expressed milk - I want my baby to still enjoy my breast milk. I don’t want donated breastmilk. Hearing almost all mothers breastfeeding their babies for months and even years makes me feel even worse.
Lastly, I miss being pregnant, and the days when I had freedom. I know what I’m feeling now is due to dip in hormones. Also sleep deprivation. I don’t know how other moms juggle everything. My housework and duties as a wife has been put on a back burner for a while.
Would be great if experienced mommies or first-time mommies share their experience on how they cope with things. Thank you in advance!