Drifting apart after parenthood

After parenthood, I feel like I’m drifting part from my husband. I expected that he will be a more hands on father which initially he was but sadly after we had a helper, he just plays with baby for couple of minutes per day and weekends as well and that’s it. Now my baby refuses to let him carry for any longer than 10mins. And I’m the one who tries to spend more time by carrying, playing and reading books to baby after coming home from work and when my helper has her off day, I’m the one managing everything - I even have to wake him up to help me coz he likes to sleep till afternoon! After that he does help by preparing baby purée and putting baby bath water and washing & sterilizing bottles. Other than all these he’s just on his phone or on the couch watching tv. I’ve told him many times to spend more time with baby if not baby will never want him to carry and I’ve also told him everyone’s life and sleeping habits have changed to adapt to our LO except you. When we are out, helper and I will take turns to manage baby so we can eat while he just happily shake leg & eats his dinner. I’m feeling a little resentful from going through the process of IVF (I’m the one who has to inject myself with hormones etc) to the 30hrs labor to breastfeeding and sick of it. Even when he asks if we should plan for a holiday I feel sick of it too as I’ll again be the one planning the trip, planning what to pack , prepare & take care of my baby. On top of all these I am also the one managing my helper and instruct her what to cook for us on days that dinner is required. I’m a first time parent too and I am working full time as well, I’ve adapted my life from the arrival of my LO - is it too much to ask for my husband to put in more effort? We are not in the ‘60s!

Anonymous

10 Replies

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My husband was exactly like that. I called my mom and my mom told me a trick she used when my dad was not hands on at the beginning and it worked for her. She told me to always praise my husband no matter how badly he’s done and always tell him that baby loves him the most etc. Try to let him find the passion within himself instead of nagging him. This trick works for me too. My husband is very hands on now and he’s very proud to be a hands on father.

Anonymous

5y ago

To add on, I can a huge difference in his attitude between the skills I have praised him about and the skills I have not. For example, after I said he’s good at burping, he volunteers to burp every time he see the chance and always very patient. My mom always say, men are very simple and easy to manage as long as you don’t save your good words towards them, just close your eyes and lie, then next time they will do better and do more.

VIP Member

It's common among man nowadays. But for me, instead of waiting for him to come lend a helping him, i would rather just tell him straight that i need help. Guys are not as sensitive as we women are, so maybe try giving him clear instruction or letting him know that you actually need help is great. Because you did mention that before the helper came along, he was more handson, so im assuming he thinks that you have enough help already.

Thank you all for your empathy & helpful tips - feels great to be able to share with the community here. I’ll try out all your advice. In this day and age, Dads should be more hands on and proactive - parenting is a joint responsibility, they should not be thinking that they are “helping the mums”. I need a partner to shoulder the responsibilities not a grown man child to take care of! 😪🤣

Takes time for Husband to slowly get into the role of being a Father. Encourage him along the way. They will feel appreciated and will do more for you and baby. That’s what I did to my Husband. And now he basically enjoy bathing and reading to our Son. Hope it helps!

This is sad, but does happen. Try chatting with your hubby and telling him how you feel. Set aside some personal adult time, as well as some family time in an environment whereby you need to interact (e.g. a walk around the Botanic Gardens). I wish you well