How do you let you mum-in-law know that you will be calling the shots on the upbringing of your child (without sounding rude)?

I think ground rules need to be set very early on, even during the pregnancy itself so that your mother in law doesn't feel blindsided by the lack of control she has over the situation. It usually sounds rude when both parties initially don't discuss their unhappiness with each other and keep it bottled up. This does not allow for each party to clearly state why they think the child should be raised a certain way, and therefore no one can understand each other. While you should be the person calling the shots, I wouldn't reccommend disregarding their advice completely. They raised you and you turned out alright (hopefully). So there must be some wisdom there. Of course there will always be disagreements but what's more important is that these disagreements DO NOT happen in front of the child.

I will tell my MIL my basic list of expectations, e.g. type of food for feeding (never offer sweets or ice cream without my permission), the ways handle children misbehaviors (no scolding of stupid, naughty, etc), and I will prepare some toys and books for my MIL to bond with kids when I am not around. These are the basic things that I wish her to meet my expectations and i will communicate to her nicely and explain the reasons behind. Other things i will just let my MIL choose to do in her own ways as long as put the child's safety first. I would say communication and understanding between both of you are very important to maintain a healthy and happy family and reduce uneccessary conflicts.

I'd go through my partner at first and let him do the talking because it might be rude if I did it. My future MIL is not Asian so she has pretty strong opinions on certain things which does get unnerving at times. Usually, I let it slide but if it's something big like how to raise kids (I forsee this happening with me cos of culture, religion etc) I'd usually tell my partner to talk to his mom. He knows how to handle his mom and she'll probably listen to him more than me. Plus I imagine I'd get really emotional and mess up getting my views across, if I did it myself.

Action speaks louder than words, unfortunately. Be firm in whatever you decide, and don't let her cross your line - especially in front of your child. Yes, it may come across as rude sometimes, but you don't want your child to have the impression that your words don't matter and he/she can go to your MIL for whatever you do not allow! You can tell her nicely and explain it to her first, and when situations arises, just set your foot down :) I do the same with my parents, I explain whenever I can and when they don't listen - I take action.

If my husband has the same thinking, then I will leave it to him to let his mum know that we will be taking care of the baby in our own way. If not, then I'll talk to my mum-in-law directly but together with my husband and let them know that I wish to bring the baby up in my own way and I don't wish to use the traditional methods of raising a child on my baby. If they would like to feed the baby anything, please let me know first. If at anytime they wish to carry the baby or play with her I would be more than willing of course.

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Sit her down and tell her respectfully that, as a parent of your child, you want to bring them up your own way. It is, after all, your right as their parent. Not that she deserves it, but as a sign of respect give her a list of reasons why you've decided to do it. And the truth of the matter is she has no say about this, because a child's responsibility falls on their parent first and foremost. Hopefully your in-law is a reasonable human being and will see reason in your choice.

Listen to your MIL first. It wouldn't hurt having someone giving you advice on how to raise your kid. Especially this person is not a stranger. If your POV is contradicting with hers, acknowledge her opinion (respect), let her of know your POV and make her feel that you will still stick with your rules. For you not to sound rude, let her know that her son totally support you on how you will raise your kids. Win-win for both of you!

this is hard especially when your husband is mama's boy. what I do is lay out facts why I do things that I do to my husband and hope that he'll the one that voice it out. Otherwise I'll just nodded to what MIL says but disregard doing the advice cause sometimes even responding sounds rude. By all means they only wanted to help and share I guess. However it's my baby and it's gonna be my way😊

If listening doesn't tax you much then listen to whatever she says, and you do what you want to. And if you don't like to listen then make some excuse and go away whenever she brings up the topic of upbringing or what one should do or not. Also you can make your husband part of this. Tell your husband that you do not like anyone preaching you be it is mother or yours and let hime handle his mother.