Hi, thank you for sharing.
First of all, thank you for understanding that your wife is very tired. Your kids are only 16 months apart, and both are under 2 years old. That takes a huge toll on any caregiver. I’ll be honest with you. When my younger daughter was 3mo, my mind and body were so exhausted that I was also very emotional and easily frustrated with my husband. Looking back, there are times I could definitely communicate better with him. My LO’s 5 months+ now, and things are much better, but I’m still tired. What I’m saying is, during this time, I hope you will continue being patient with your wife, even if she says hurtful things to you. I believe she’s trying her best too, and she probably doesn’t have any emotional capacity to deal with extra stress at this point, or to consider deeply the impact of her words sometimes. If you can, find a way to give your wife a good break. She probably has not taken care of her own health and needs in a very long time, and she needs you to help her maintain some sanity, as well as to get some affirmation.
Secondly, from my own experience, my husband’s experience, and the experiences of many people in this community, a lot of us have great differences in opinion with our in laws. The simple reason is that we were not raised by them, and yet after marriage are suddenly grafted into the family. No matter how nice they are (my in laws are really nice people), there will be things that you cannot understand, or even tolerate. So don’t let it surprise you, and don’t let it affect you. Accept that there are differences, and I think that in this case, you made a wise and magnanimous decision not to get into a quarrel with your MIL, as this may have led to an argument with your wife too. My MIL is scared of everything. I knew early that this would be a concern because for one, my husband wasn’t allowed to do many things eg. Ride a bicycle, when he was young. It was deemed too dangerous. When my elder daughter started walking, any walking speed greater than 1km/hr within the house was deemed dangerous, and you can imagine how she reacted when my daughter started to run. I learned to respond gently towards her shouts of fear for my daughter to stop moving, and just look at my husband when I felt that she was being overly protective, so that he could be the one telling her to relax. My husband and I would have private discussions as well, where we could share our thoughts and feelings about each of our in laws, so that we could communicate with our own parents whenever the other party was upset about something (Yes, my mum has upset my husband multiple times too).
As for climbing the window grill, sorry that my opinion differs from yours but I would never allow my kids to climb them too. Have read about too many kids falling to their deaths, and I believe that telling them from a young age not to climb the grill is quite important. Perhaps your wife was also shocked to hear about your little girl climbing the grill and you being okay with it. As mothers, I guess we get really worried about anything that could potentially pose a danger to our childrens’ lives. And we would feel so guilty if something were to happen. Again let me be honest. Sometimes I’m there with my kid. But I get distracted for a second, looking at my phone or something else that’s happening. And my kid has fallen, right before my very eyes, because of that one moment of distraction. Because it’s happened to me, I can tell you that it’s not an irrational fear. Things really do happen sometimes, especially when we think we’re in control. Whether you agree with what your MIL did is one thing, but it’s more important that you and your wife agree on how to parent your children together. So I hope you can give your wife lots of hugs, affirm her, take leave sometimes and give her a break. Then when she’s mentally rested, have good and honest conversations with her, asking her to share her needs/wants and how she wants to raise the kids, and you do the same.
Parenting is one of the hardest projects a couple can do together, but when you have a good partner, it’s also one of the most rewarding... and years down the road, both of you will look back at this time fondly. I know the children are important, but keep building on your marriage. It’s totally worth it, and your children will also watch and learn what a loving relationship looks like, which will guide them in the kind of relationships they look for in the future:)