Disheartened

How involved are the daddies here in your LO’s day to day? Please describe. Post our first child i see the side of my husband that I do not like more apparently. He still sleeps till post noon everyday day including weekends. Otherwise on the phone or on the couch watching TV. No he does not do shift work - he is self-employed and his time is flexible. His thought is since we have a helper we can be hands off totally and involved only when needed. I totally disagree - we hired a helper as we need help with chores and LO since nobody can help us when we are working. But when we are not working we should be involved as much as possible. He also likes to do irritating stuff like feed our food to LO at dinner time knowing it will disrupt her eating her food during meals - by disrupt I mean LO will refuse to eat her food after etc. Even after telling him a million times not to do so he will still ask me can LO eat this or that (referring to our food). He also likes to react with big actions and sounds which freaks LO out. Kept telling him a million times not to do so as LO refused to go near him for fear of the reactions. He thinks it’s funny and just playing. I don’t know which part of it is not clear to him when he witness the effects himself of LO rejecting him till now at 18mths old!. So far only me and my helper are looking after my LO and for my husband his help is very minimal and more apparent only during my helper’s off days when he has to make milk, fill the bath water. I manage our helper, my LO’s needs at every stage I.e her toys, books, formula milk, clothes, diapers, vaccination, PD appts, parenting forums and tips etc. I feel very distant from him post the birth of our first child and kept thinking I married the wrong person and I don’t need him around if he’s not contributing. I can’t help this feeling. Appreciate any advise from mummies or daddies.

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VIP Member

I hear your desperation dear. Don't worry there are many more mothers out there that are experiencing the same. First you need to see the positive side of your husband. Its not because he does not love his child. He does...he helps take care of baby when helper is off. He could have gone out with friends (if no covid) if he really does not bother about his child and you. Try to lower your expectations...if you set your bar high you are bound to see his many follies. Get him more involved in your daily activities with baby...eg. instead of asking your helper...ask your husband lovingly if he could help change the diaper or feed baby...remember to keep your expectation low...if he does not put on the diaper the way you want to or even if its wrong...laugh it off as if he is being silly...if he feeds baby noisily...then make it into a funny moment so baby will laugh too instead of being afraid. Your child is feeling fear for his/her father because he/she can sense your unhappiness and disapproval. Just try one step at a time...understand your hubby he is probably feeling frustrated too because it seems everything he does is not upto your approval. I am sure when everyone stops imposing each others style of parenting...then things will take on a lighter note. There is no right or wrong way of parenting. We all manage the best we can and hope for the best. Don't worry too much. Have faith. Everything will be ok.

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Super Mum

I can totally feel you and I think most mummies face similar feelings to varying degrees. For me hubby doesn't proactively help out but will try to do something only if I ask. Though mostly what he does is just play with LO and not other caretaking tasks like feeding, bathing, diaper changing. I think it's good to have a heart to heart talk and talk about each other's feeling without actually blaming anything on him, and ask him to put himself in your shoes. Ask him if he really loves your child, as I know many men don't feel the instant connection to the child as us mothers do, and it takes them years to begin loving their child. It's understandable but it's important to find out his actual feelings. You mention he's self-employed which could be a slippery slope. Just because his timing is flexible doesn't mean he can be disturbed around the clock. After prolonged wfh I realized it's so important to separate work from personal life. The best arrangement would be to define a set time frame for his work, from 9 to 6 for example, when he can lock himself in a room and focus on work. Outside of that time there's no excuse to not participate in house work or taking care of LO. If talking fails, I think marital counselling is the way to go. All the best!

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My husband is quite involved. He hands off when my mum is around because she will be more than willing to care for my LO. On weekends, he is very hands on and I can nap thru the afternoon not knowing what happened. But we ever argue before and I told him I want him to be more hands on because this is also his child. They need to be encouraged and advised. Show him the steps and ways. But tbh, it seems like your LO is there for your husband to play and help as and when he feels the need or feels like it. Maybe have a serious conversation with him on this matter. Such things surface when there is a helper as I see it evidently on my friends with helpers. The father is always hands off. Manage the expectation. I hope it gets better for you. I know how it feels when the husbands are totally hands off or 90% of the time not a part of this.

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My husband is self employed as well but I cant really involve him in taking care of our children because he finds it a waste of time :( Like he feels time is better spent working and earning money for the family. So I only can envy other people with helpers or staying in a big household. What to do. And the more he is not hands on with the kids, the more distant they are from him also. Even if he’s present, my kids also treat him like transparent. I don’t really trust him either because he always mess things up even though I write down in black&white. Incidents after incidents so naturally our kids don’t bother to find him too

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My hubby is very involved. As i moved back to our own place after confinment at my parent's place, he has been helping me with baby like feeding her bath her playtime with her. He told me im too tired and if possible whenever he can, he will handle so tat i can get more rest sleep longer. Due to CB period that he WFH, he will bath or feed her when she is awake and i can continue to sleep until later time. Im very thankful to him cos other than managing her, he will prepare dinner. I will suggest you to have a heart to heart talk with ur hubby. Let him know how you feel and what he need to do even though there is helper at home.

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VIP Member

My husband is hands on but, like to insist on his daily me time of exercising. Since we have a helper we are more free but instead of being with our boy or me more, he will rather take time to play pc game or exercise. I'm wondering maybe men are just like that, their brains just aren't wired to be nurturing no matter how hands on they are. Cos things like toys, books, baby items / nutrition, he will be a step slower (maybe even a few steps slower) than me.

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Personally, I love kids, so I wanna be involved as much as I can when my little angel arrived. I do have to work, only able to interact with her in the evenings and weekends. Feeding, changing diaper, coaxing her to slp, playing with her etc. Perhaps u can have a long, peaceful talk with your hubby, express your concerns and expectations for a start?

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Super Mum

Have you tried talking to him on your feelings? It’s not healthy to have it all cooped up. One day, it might just explode. My husband is very hands on with LO. He will make all of LO’s solid food and feed her, change her diapers, bath and play with her whenever he is at home.

VIP Member

I totally agree with you cause my hubby still sleeps like a "dead" log, even when my girl is screaming in hunger. It also doesn't wake him up, so am disappointed in the marriage life. :(

Totally understand how you feel. My lo is 6 months now and even with working from home. He dont even spend 1 hour with her plus she sleeps in as early at 630pm.