Ask the Expert: Maintaining long-term romance in marriages

Yes because having a children is such a life transforming and intense experience. Find your way back to yourself and to your husband. Even as I say this, what comes up for you? Often what we are drawn to trying for a start is what is worth trying (linked to who we are, what we like)..

Yes it is possible. However most of us being humans get lazy and don't focus on the relationship after children - we focus on the children. It is important to recognise the romance won't happen by itself. Most couples who come to see me come when they "dried up" and only have a stomach of resentment. Don't let your relationship get them. Do regular temperature check (how are we doing as a couple?); block out time for each other (date nites); guard those times (don't always talk about the kids), and create new memorable fun experiences as a couple.

A newborn and a child will definitely affect your relationship - who's kidding who. :) I might sound like I am joking but I am not. Most couples lament the life lost but forget that they are also the ones who chose to have a child. Life is constantly changing and evolving - that's just life. We long for the good times when in reality, we can't keep them even if we wanted to. We can only relive them as memories. Focus on creating good moments and new memories with your partner. It is so important that they are on board with you in cocreating romance, blocking out time, keeping couple time so the marriage is not one around the child - but one of love. It's challenging but if we don't plan - we plan to fail. I truly wish you all the best.

Bring this up with him and discuss what can be done. More rest, earlier rest, better rest? Exercise? Diet? Health check? Or is it an excuse? Something persistent tiredness is a sign of depression. Examine all these and take small steps to support each other - that is to say, you are also entitled to being tired as well.

This is challenging which is why many couples are moving out to not be with their in-laws. I suggest having this mantra: love your in-laws the same way you love your parents (if not better). There is a saying that they gained a daughter - then in reality, we really should love, respect, honor them the same way they would deserve to have from a real daughter. I am not sure this helps and I acknowledge how challenging it is. I have also witnessed many people who feel totally stuck between their parents and spouse and this wouldn't be something good for your partner either - to feel stuck.

Time management is challenging. Focus on blocking out tasks; delegating tasks; ignoring tasks. Give yourself permission not to perfect and to have cheat-days where you do nothing for others and only for yourself - can help.

Different people relax in different ways - introverts vs extroverts. Introverts need a lot of alone time and they might not get this when it's their kids, mess at home they're returning to. I suggest asking yourself what makes you relaxed? Music, walk, water etc. The little things does add up. Simmering is a term in my work where we invoke erotic moments for ourselves so that our sexual desire builds up through the day (or week) rather than expecting things to happen immediately (too fast). Ask for the romancing you need from your partner could help as well.