6 Replies
I think you should take the help of your ex-wife to break the news to your daughter since she is staying with her mother. She needs to be get the feeling of acceptance from your wife as well. Because if your ex-wife is not in agreement with you then she is going to pass on her resentment to your daughter as well. So, I think you can take the help of your ex-wife if you are on friendly terms, else talk to your daughter that you are going to stay with a friend of yours. Since, she is just 6, I do not think giving too many details would be a good idea as at this age kids do not otherwise also get the whole idea about marriage or re-marriage clearly. So, do not make things complex for her and slowly unfold the things as she grows up. And you can introduce your daughter to your new wife saying that she is your very good friend. Eventually, when she will meet often and as she grows up, you can discuss things with her depending upon her maturity level, and can decide how much to reveal and how much to hold back till she can imbibe what she hears. And as far as your partner's daughter is concerned, I suppose after marriage three of you will be staying together, so it is very important for you to establish a bonding with your step daughter else it may cause many difficult situations for you two as a couple. Kids do not accept it easily, the coming of a new man or woman in either of the parent's life, so you have to be friends with her before you decide to get married. Kids are very possessive about their parents and she would only be willing to share her mother's love with you, if and only if she likes you and forms a bond with you. So, I would stress that you need to develop a repo with the little girl.
as a couple who are looking to get married and settle down as a family, the only way to make the kids understand is to speak to the kids directly. at 6 and 10, the children will be able to understand what is going on, so it is important that you both first speak to your biological children individually, and then speak to both the kids together as a family. also, if you are in touch with your ex and are on good terms, please try and sit as a family (you your ex and your child) and explain that whatever happens, you all will always be connected and there for each other.
have your kids met the respective partners and the kids? if not, i think you should do it now. once the kids meet each other they will be able to form a better bond and understand what's going on. also, it is important that you have the kids on board before going in for the new relationship status. of course it is important that you are happy and with someone you want to be with, but it is also important to do it in a way that will keep your kids happy and secure too. plan an outing and discuss it honestly with the kids.
I think you guys should plan an outing, a picnic of sorts with the kids being around and you two being there. All four of you spend time together and instead of divulging things let all of you get to know each other, and have these outings or meetings or dinners together more often so that kids are comfortable with the new people in their lives. I think it is all about making the kids comfortable and forming a bond with them. More you work on forming that bond, easy it will be for both of you.
the only way to do so is to first individually talk to your own kids and then introduce the kids to the partner, if not already done. be very careful though when you guys talk to your kids, as they will be very nervous, scared, anxious, and may even feel guilty that they may in some way be responsible for the breakup. spend a lot of time and be understanding. and give it time.
You will have to talk to your kids before taking the plunge. It will be a big change in their life too. Just be calm and explain the reason. Kids are very understanding that way. Take them for an outing and break the news.