FEELING JEALOUS OF MY OWN BABY

Hi. Ftm here. I need an open and safe place to vent this out. I have no friends na may anak na kaya I don’t expect them to understand me. Hindi naman ako comfortable iopen sa nanay ko dahil masyado syang traditional in a way na parang di “uso” nung panahon nila yung postpartum depression. Hear me out please. Sometimes, I feel jealous and competitive towards my baby. Like, pag umiiyak sya, alam kong nahihirapan sya pero sinasabi ko na hirap din ako. May mga times na nasisigawan ko sya. I just snapped and sinasabi ko, “kung hirap ka, hirap din ako” o kaya “wtf is your problem just sleep already”. Mind you, sa mismong baby ko ito sinasabi na para bang matanda sya. I was always heartbroken pag nasisigawan ko sya kasi tumitingin lang sya sakin like parang gulat na gulat sya na di sya makapaniwala. 🥺 I have support from hubby maman pero ako pa rin ang default parent dahil hindi sya kayang patulugin ni hubby. Sakin lang sya kumakalma. Naalala ko pa nung unang bwan namin with baby. Na admit kasi sya unang week nya dahil may sepsis sya and nagaspirate din sya. Kami ni hubby ang bantay. Fresh from CS operation ako non. No one even bothered na kamustahin ako nung nalaman nilang nagstay si baby sa ospital. I felt overlooked as a mother. And the fact na need ko ihelp si hubby magbantay kay baby while nasa ospital, I never had the sense of recovery sa pagkakaCS ko. Every one’s asking how’s my baby but not me. I told these things to my hubby and he’s very encouraging mahpatingin sa psychiatrist, psychologist to seek help. I am still hesitant because baka phase lang kako ito. We’re still looking tho. Even up to this date, 5 months na si baby, some times i feel jealous pa din sa kanya. Hindi ko naman na sya nasisigawan dahil we, baby and I, got to know each other well na haha pero is this something you mommies have experienced, too? Or is it just me? Thank you po.