did i start it wrong or was it time to do it?

Hi Parents, I have 3 kids, (2 girls - 9 & 7 years old, 1 boy - 1.5 years old). I have always been that protective mum, obsessive mum & probably extra cautious to my girls. I have always remind them about taking care of themselves and not to mingle too much to boys, except in sch for sch matters but no boys communication after that. Last June, my older girl turns 9 and we thought after so much of observing, she seems to be very independant and someone whom we know is capable of any task. we bought her a mobile phone, those common Samsung model, not any high tech but she is able to communicate through whatsapp, watch youtube etc. All the phones account is under my name so that i could monitor what she watch etc exp of course her whatsapp chat. As a mum and seeing her growing up, i wanted to give her the feeling that this phone is given with trust. A trust that no boys should have her number and a trust that i should not check her phone unneccessarily. It is used as a form of communication between me and the kids at home coz we dont have a house phone. So my girl will update me about the other kids, we video call when i miss them at work, a sort of communication with the helper as well. She has always asked for my permission before using the phone and any friends (only girls allowed) needs her number will have to go through me. Means they will need to message me before i release her number. However, recently, my husband caught her using the phone was late at night. As a dad, he think no twice, and his intention to take the phone is to keep it away from her but to our disbelief, she has been messaging a boy from class with his name kept as "MY BFF". there were messages of "love you", "you wont leave me, right?" "are you mad at me?" etc. Emoticons of flying kisses, people kissing. she tried to defend herself by saying that all her bffs say I love you to each other. But what disturb me was that, she will iniate the message first and if no reply from the other user, she will keep messaging till he reply. she will message things like "are you angry at me?" "why you never reply me?' "what did i do wrong?' etc. sounds similar right to what adults would do to our other half. there was also 1 particular message that caught me when she asked " so is it you and me are boyfriend & girlfriend?' Understand from the chat history that she even left her girlfriends group because this boy doesnt like them or she told him to not friend with them because they hurt her something like that. Fyi, this boy is her classmates. i could not hold my anger and talk and reprimand her about her action and how she has broke my heart and my trust (not sure if its too early to make her understand about trust) We decide to confiscate her phone but i keep emphasizing her about her mistakes and that she lied behind me, she broke my rules and she hurts me. but after a few days, i am not sure if what i did was wrong at the start or is it the sign that i should have start my BGR talks with her. but she is only 9 years old. i dont know how to handle this. At a moment, she was like kind of mad at me for having to take away her phone, but i told her the reason of her actions. things were ok. but will she hate me? What would you do if you were in my shoe? and because of this, i am not able to video call the kids when i miss them or see their pictures when i miss them. but i know i cant give her the phone because my husband will definitely against it hard. but i just dont want my kids to hate me. What should i do?

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Hey there mummy! I'm just gonna be totally honest about my own experience, I hope I don't come across as "rude" or anything like that - but I'd just want to share things from another point of view :) I'm 21 years old this year and I am also a single mum to a 2 year old. Having said that, I can relate to your daughter in some way because I've started having relationships at a young age too. When I read about what you shared, it made me think about my own experience - and what made me turn to others was because of the lack of good, deep communication with mu parents. Yes, they would ask me about my day and school - but they wouldn't know when I'm feeling upset or in need of hugs etc. At some point, my parents just decided to stop hugging me and I never knew why. I mentioned good and deep communication because it seems like you do have good communication - you're doing a good job (like my parents did) of trying to communicate with your kids. But the part of deep communication isn't there - things from safe vs unsafe touches, how to handle emotions, what is okay/not okay to even the more "sensitive/taboo" things like relationships, what love is, how to protect myself etc. My advice would be for you to sit down and talk to your daughter, not in a strict, formal way - but maybe something relaxing like bringing her out for ice cream, going out to play - something that lets her relax and enjoy but yet be willing to listen to you. Start by apologizing for scolding her and taking away her phone, then telling her why you did that, why you felt that it wasn't okay and why you wanted to talk to her about it. Then apologise and say that you want to listen to what she thinks about this whole thing (who is this boy, does she like him etc) - and yes, listen closely! Let her feel secured to share the deepest secrets with you, but also that you respect her privacy too - if you feel the need for closure about this, teach her the things she wants to know. Whether it's about boys, what love is, how to protect herself, and how to be independent because in my experience, I can say that we don't need men - but they're nice to have around. From the messages that she sent out, I feel guilty for sending really similar messages too - but it's just being insecure about something and it could very much be that she likes this boy (I could be wrong). Don't react too much, but talk to her as if she is your friend - what is this boy like, why do you like him, is he nice to you etc. Then take your role as a parent and mix it in - let her know your stand and that she has to be completely honest with you, so that you can support her in everything she wants to achieve in life.

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Home Random Talk parentsi have 3 kids 2 girls 9 7 years old 1 boy 15 years old i have always been that protective mum obsessive mum probably extra cautious girlsi have always remind them about taking care themselves not mingle too much boys except in sch sch matters but boys communication after thatlast june older girl turns 9 thought after much observing seems very independant someone whom know capable task bought mobile phone those common samsung mode