did i start it wrong or was it time to do it?

Hi Parents, I have 3 kids, (2 girls - 9 & 7 years old, 1 boy - 1.5 years old). I have always been that protective mum, obsessive mum & probably extra cautious to my girls. I have always remind them about taking care of themselves and not to mingle too much to boys, except in sch for sch matters but no boys communication after that. Last June, my older girl turns 9 and we thought after so much of observing, she seems to be very independant and someone whom we know is capable of any task. we bought her a mobile phone, those common Samsung model, not any high tech but she is able to communicate through whatsapp, watch youtube etc. All the phones account is under my name so that i could monitor what she watch etc exp of course her whatsapp chat. As a mum and seeing her growing up, i wanted to give her the feeling that this phone is given with trust. A trust that no boys should have her number and a trust that i should not check her phone unneccessarily. It is used as a form of communication between me and the kids at home coz we dont have a house phone. So my girl will update me about the other kids, we video call when i miss them at work, a sort of communication with the helper as well. She has always asked for my permission before using the phone and any friends (only girls allowed) needs her number will have to go through me. Means they will need to message me before i release her number. However, recently, my husband caught her using the phone was late at night. As a dad, he think no twice, and his intention to take the phone is to keep it away from her but to our disbelief, she has been messaging a boy from class with his name kept as "MY BFF". there were messages of "love you", "you wont leave me, right?" "are you mad at me?" etc. Emoticons of flying kisses, people kissing. she tried to defend herself by saying that all her bffs say I love you to each other. But what disturb me was that, she will iniate the message first and if no reply from the other user, she will keep messaging till he reply. she will message things like "are you angry at me?" "why you never reply me?' "what did i do wrong?' etc. sounds similar right to what adults would do to our other half. there was also 1 particular message that caught me when she asked " so is it you and me are boyfriend & girlfriend?' Understand from the chat history that she even left her girlfriends group because this boy doesnt like them or she told him to not friend with them because they hurt her something like that. Fyi, this boy is her classmates. i could not hold my anger and talk and reprimand her about her action and how she has broke my heart and my trust (not sure if its too early to make her understand about trust) We decide to confiscate her phone but i keep emphasizing her about her mistakes and that she lied behind me, she broke my rules and she hurts me. but after a few days, i am not sure if what i did was wrong at the start or is it the sign that i should have start my BGR talks with her. but she is only 9 years old. i dont know how to handle this. At a moment, she was like kind of mad at me for having to take away her phone, but i told her the reason of her actions. things were ok. but will she hate me? What would you do if you were in my shoe? and because of this, i am not able to video call the kids when i miss them or see their pictures when i miss them. but i know i cant give her the phone because my husband will definitely against it hard. but i just dont want my kids to hate me. What should i do?

Anonymous

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There is a proverb: "Food not eaten on the table, will be eaten under the table as crumbs." What I'm reading, is the break down of communication. Everything else is merely the symptom of a communication break down. I'm sure you don't need anybody to tell you that. Your text seems to indicate it, when you said you might need to start talking about subjects like BGR. You recognise that there is a need for transparency, so that you can make the right judgements for your child. Transparency needs trust too. I'm going to sound odd, but as parents, we need to earn our children's trust too. They are not our robots who do our bidding, but someone who is going to be flying out in the wild soon. I get many hints in your text that, you place expectations for your daughter to do your's and your husband's bidding. BGR is not something that your daughter can avoid, neither should she avoid. After all, it's how you and your husband got together in the first place. Don't put up red tape everywhere. Teach her how to judge a boy. Teach her how to love and receive love. Teach her to say no. Teach her to tell the boy, "my parents already validate me, I don't need yours" Teach her that she always belong to the family, not in the arms of another boy. Teach her that there is always love at home. Teach her to expect the boy to respect her boundaries. In fact, I'm going to suggest something against asian culture. Bring that boy home for dinner. As a parent, get to know that boy yourself. You're a mum, come on, you know what's a good boy and what's not. Your daughter might not know. This is your time to show your daughter your wisdom. Show with her your judgement and the rationale behind the judgement. Teach her to tell him herself the boundaries of relationships in your presence. Teach her to set the terms and conditions of this BGR. This is how you show your daughter (and your other 2) maturity, confidence, and independence. Your daughter is going to use that exact same stuff you teach today for her future marriage. Eventually, you are going to need to touch on other sensitive subjects, such a pornography, sex, masturbation, LGBT, etc... It can't be avoided. Can your daughter (and your other 2) trust you enough that she be transparent to you on the table, to seek you for guidance as she goes through these subjects? Or will she shy away from you, do it secretly under the table, learn from friends and internet, and potentially hurt herself? You are already a wonderful mum, protecting your kids from many dangers since young. Your daughter is coming to an age where she needs mental maturity, and you are the best person to learn from. It's time to adjust parental style. Give her the phone and ask her to invite that boy for family dinner. May God guide you as you parent your precious 3.

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Home Random Talk parentsi have 3 kids 2 girls 9 7 years old 1 boy 15 years old i have always been that protective mum obsessive mum probably extra cautious girlsi have always remind them about taking care themselves not mingle too much boys except in sch sch matters but boys communication after thatlast june older girl turns 9 thought after much observing seems very independant someone whom know capable task bought mobile phone those common samsung mode