Ask the Expert: Maintaining long-term romance in marriages

Thanks for asking! It is so challenging to juggle the multiple roles we play: wife, lover, mother, friend, daughter, worker etc. I suggest taking some time to do a temperature check individually and as a couple how you are feeling - physically, mentally and emotionally. Have a honest chat about the relationship health. From there, brainstorm and take steps to reclaim your relationship. This includes writing down the things/ topics to discuss and make decisions of periodically rather than as and when it comes up. Having scheduled discussions can be more productive and less mentally draining than as-and-when. Raising a child involves teamwork and in fact a whole village. Blocking time to discuss what needs addressing, blocking out time to be as a couple (date nights) and time for yourself (me-time, girl-time etc) are all important. Blocking time out doesn't mean it will definitely happen - however if we don't plan and fight for those pockets of time, they are even less likely to happen.

Life as you know will never be the same. You may have moments of pre-baby period if you work at it, but definitely life is not the same. It sounds like your husband is not being involved or supportive and it is important to speak up about them. His involvement will also mean a more well-adjusted child. I know of many mothers who step in because things are not done, not done the way they want, not done well, not done fast enough etc. (you get the picture). What this does is make your partner feel inadequate (why bother), feel redundant (in the way), feel helpless/ feel useless. Hence their lack of involvement sometimes is not because of who they are (lazy, irresponsible) but having a partner who is perfectionist and want it all in a certain way. I am not sure with the details of your situation. I can only suggest 1) speak your truth; 2) brainstorming solutions as a couple; 3) delegating tasks/ dividing tasks and not stepping in; 4) being encouraging, supportive, and celebratory of all h

This is tricky as this is his father not yours, and it is harder to just be yourself and speak up. Being on the same page with your husband will help - his support of you and behind you is fundamental. He can talk to them for you. And depending on your relationship with him, you can also talk to him. Since reason and citing experts doesn't help, both of you can just put your foot down and say things like you appreciate his feedback and opinion, however this is how you want to raise your child. Avoid doing this infront of your child as this can make your father-in-law feel embarrassed but definitely say something to him afterwards. Keep trying and don't give up - it can feel like one step forward, two steps back. Remember not to take it personal. Your father-in-law's words and actions are more about him and who he is than you. Yet your children are yours to protect, defend and raise. As long as your children are safe, you need to know you can raise your children the way you want and for

I am not sure what you mean by baby-sit by them? Are you saying that your husband is being pampered by his parents that he doesn't have to do anything. Yes this can be challenging because we are creatures of habit. If he has had a comfortable life being taken care and not doing anything for himself, then without any reason, he might not see the need to change things. You can bring up your concerns as a topic of discussion with him in anticipation of your baby so he is mentally prepared. Going for baby classes can help with the mindset so that he is more prepared to be involved with baby comes. Some people are very pragmatic i.e. only address issues as they come up, while it sounds like you're anticipating what has not happened yet. Speak to him about your concerns. Get your parent in laws on your side. You might appreciate their involvement when baby comes because it does take a village to raise a baby. Focus on the positives - in-laws ready to help rather than negative - husband being

You chose to marry her so she can't be all bad. Don't forget her good qualities and hold onto them while you focus on improving the other aspects of the relationship. Speak your truth - how you desire for more expressiveness when it comes to love; not being so mechanical etc. See it as both of you being able to learn and evolve together. Going for facilitated couple counseling or sexuality counseling can help. FB - farming out the problem can create MORE problems. Not only that, you'd be a cheater and liar and that might be a life worth living out.

Most people recognise physical abuse as abuse, but not necessarily psychological abuse. Emotional unavailability and emotional neglect is a form of abuse. Being short-tempered or using being short-tempered as a way to control one's partner (my way or the highway; I right, you wrong - all the time) is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. These people are being bullies and it is important to call them out on their bluff. Marriage is teamwork and is hard work at times and successful couples are this way because they prioritise the relationship and each other. I am sorry what you're going through but I do suggest going for relationship counseling, including for infidelity recovery.

I don't know how it works too. I am online answering the questions on the thread. If I were you and I am not you (empathy for you!), I would bring up to my partner about my unhappiness about this "coming over" without notice. He needs to speak to his mother that this is unacceptable otherwise I will do it myself. Depending on the person, one's need for confidentiality and privacy is different. And regardless of whether you are a very private person etc, it is irrelevant as people around you needs to respect where you're at - not the other way around. It is not wrong to assert yourself and create some boundaries - including changing the locks; creating a digital check-in system; installing CCTV to monitor what happens in the house etc. Do what you need because you deserve to feel safe in your own house.

I already answered this in previous answers. However the short answer is you really do need to let them know how this affects you. I know so many husband who said "I help her" when this is both your child! What happens is the husband tends to NOT have as much emotional investment in the child as the mother because they didn't carry the baby for nine months! Yet because of the nature of some women, they also don't let the husband feel involved from the start. So the emotional distance can make it difficult for the husband to have the confidence or willingness to take care of the children. In short, they might not have the confidence even if they wanted to. Build him up. Request. Assign, Encourage. Rinse and repeat until he is a more involved. I hope this helps.

You can feel like a different person as you have different roles as well. Rekindling the romance takes two and takes time and effort. It is great that you see this as an issue. Have you talked to him? Does he feel the same? What are some ideas both of you can come up with? It's really important to not forget taking care of ourselves and our relationships when baby arrives. The fact that you're asking this shows great awareness and this is great! :)