My relationship with my mom makes me not want to have children

Hi I’ve experienced the same as you. My mother is a narcissist who only cares about herself. She was controlling, screams at, and hit my sister and I everyday while growing up. One day I realised that I couldn’t live under her control anymore, I was miserable and borderlining on depression. I think you realising this problem and asking for help is the first step to stepping out of her control, and you are really brave to do so! Many people don’t even know that they are passing down generational trauma. Reading self- help books/watch videos on overcoming narcissistic parents will help. Once you know and understand why they are like this, you will realise that the problem is them, not you. It will give you more confidence and control over charting your own life. Now you’re still in the passenger seat, but remember, you are the driver of your own life, so take back control of the steering wheel. I was like you too, terrified of passing down the same patterns to my children and behaving the way that my mother behaved. But what changed for me was when I took a hard look at myself and my mother, and it hit me that “I am not my mother”. We are essentially two different people, and I have the courage and power to be the best mother I can be to my children. And because you know what hurt you as a child, you are the best person to identify it when it happens. If you find yourself behaving like your mother, you’re the best person to catch yourself and then make amends. The worst thing about our mothers is that they NEVER think it’s their fault and they never make amends. But you can, and you will. I am so glad that I managed to overcome my fear of becoming like my mother, and mustered the courage to have my own child. My baby is now 9 months old and omg I love her to bits and nope, I am still not my mother. I hope you will find the courage to live your own life, because it’s not worth it being miserable because of your mother. Confide in your husband, ask for his help to minimise contact with your mother. Reducing contact with your mother’s controlling voice will give you time for yourself to heal and hear your own inner voice again. All the best!!