Is it stupid to divorce your husband because of your mil

I have been having issues with mil ever since I gave birth. The situation has not changed and my baby is 15 months. I just don’t feel my husband is supportive. My mil keeps telling everyone that she cares about me and wants to help. But if she wants to help, why would she say things like I walk away, baby smiles… then complain my maternity is 6 months so baby sticks to me. Also, once she has hold of baby, if baby finds me she will not pass him back. She acts victim and cries in front of the family saying don’t know why I don’t like her… I am so stressed by the whole situation. And anything to do with baby, she will say me. If baby has tummy pain, she will ask me what I eat cause I am breastfeeding. Baby don’t want to eat she will ask me what I cook… I feel like she is blaming me for everything. Baby makes a bit of noise she will ask me to pass to her.., I feel like I am such a lousy mum or what..: I am literally having depression.#advicepls #firsttimemom #firstbaby #helps

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Personally, for me, after going through situations very similar to yours, I have never felt the urge to divorce my hb. Disappointed with him (for being unsupportive of me), yes, but never to the point of wanting to divorce. The reason is simple - I understand his position. He was basically the squeezed middle person - 1 side mum, 1 side wife. And tbh, it was tough for him, too. It was tough for me cos we stayed at my MIL's (during my confinement up til i end my ML) when I had my 1st born. Then I managed to convinced my hb to move out the moment I start work. I was lucky that although my 1st born was placed at my MIL's while we both work, my MIL wasn't the only caregiver. I had other cousins and relatives taking care of my 1st born, and since my hb works half day AM, by lunchtime, he was already home to jaga our baby til I come home. My 2nd one situation was more of a headache for me cos that's when my MIL stayed with us in OUR home. She not only tried to overwrite my authority as the mother to MY children, she also tried to overwrite MY authority as the mistress of MY house. Luckily for me, I have proof of her saying mean things about me to others (all captured via cctv). Showed them all to my hb and asked him to have a conversation with his mother for running her mouth by saying mean things about me. It was at this point when it got so stressful for my hb bcos he was sandwiched. It didn't help that my MIL was chronically ill at that time (yup, chronically ill and still running her mouth saying mean things about me and my parents to her relatives, her children and all). I found out only recently that it was during this (stressful) period that he had planned to divorce me, but he kept on putting it off. God knows why. I was kept in the dark on this matter, of course. It has been about 3yrs now and tbh, I was and still am heartbroken bcos he actually had wanted to divorce me just bcos I couldn't 'get along' with his mother. He felt that I could've forgiven her and 'let her be' (ignore her as she run her mouth about me and my parents) reason being cos she was chronically ill at that time. I still stand by my beliefs - to protect my parents and my dignity and told my hb that I have forgiven her but I cannot forget the fact that HE had even considered the divorce route while I'm the one that has been 'bullied' left, right and center by his mother and him (I felt 'bullied' by them bcos I was away from my parents and siblings cos after marriage, I followed my hb and moved westside of SG while I grew up eastside and my family and all stays eastside). But here we are, without my MIL now (cos she has passed on), working on our marriage and trying our best to make it work together. I'm not sharing my story to shame anyone, but I feel that you need to know my experience so that you can have a better perspective on the other side of things and make informed decisions. Ps: My hb said that he decided the divorce route at that time bcos he felt that that was the best for us (him, his mother and me) bcos our rs was so strained at that time. There was never a day that we weren't quarrelling, and it wasn't healthy for us and the kids. Personally, for me, I felt that his mother was the toxic one in our household cos all our arguments stemmed from her. And it is proven now that she's no longer around. Our marriage is stronger than before. But of course, this is something I cannot point out to him, but I know he can sense the changes in us too.

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if you ask me, I don't think divorce is the best option here because the issue here is with your MIL and not really on your husband tho he is not supportive like you mentioned. I don't think the marriage should end because of another person tho I know it is hard to cut her off totally. I understand how you feel because some of the things you mentioned here were said by my MIL, quoting the breastfeeding example. I rmbr when my baby pooped a greenish poop she kinda questioned me what did I eat and she even control what I eat if she was around because she don't want me to pass to baby since I'm expressing milk. there was once I drank a packet drink and she nagged cuz she say so sweet later baby has phlegm how. same when baby is crying she will take over and if baby stop crying she will say aiyo your mommy carry you, you cry ah why ah.. which annoys me alottttt.. I suggest reducing contact with her to lessen the friction.. if you're staying together, perhaps try to move out? then maybe make it like occasional visits. Trust me when you lessen the times you see each other, you will find it less irritating.. I used to find her okay before giving birth but after baby is born she keeps coming over so much there is more friction. Separately, talk to your husband about how you feel and how you wished he can stand up for you.. sometimes it's not that they are not supportive, they are also in a difficult position too.. like my hubs so I try to stand in their shoes as well.. nowadays I just disregard whatever comment she makes if it is senseless.. I'll just give a smile and go away. hope things get better for you soon!!

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I stayed with my hubby’s family for the past 4 years. My advice is don’t let your MiL affect your marriage, it’s not worth. When MIL make nasty comments that affect you, tell yourself to remain cool (at least on the outside), don’t let her know that she can affect you or it means she wins. Either keep quiet, ignore her, walk away, play along or even laugh it off. If you retaliate/rebut, means her plan to play victim is successful, ppl will pity her cos she got scolded by you. Like that, she got no chance to act victim, cry and ask ppl why you don’t like her. Reply her “ok I’ll ask doctor” whenever she ask why baby so skinny, don’t poop etc. Soon she will reduce those comments cos you always give the same mundane reply. When she ask you to pass baby to her, do it, let her take care of baby while you rest, it’s not a bad thing. If she say things like baby prefers her and not you, play along with it, say “yalo, Ma you should take care of baby more since baby likes you more.” When she knows you don’t mind handing baby to her, soon she won’t be keen to help you babysit while you rest. Rmb, no matter what you’re the mother, baby will know eventually and will be close to you when baby grows up. Don’t worry about passing baby to MIL. This is how I got through the tough period, my baby is almost 2yo and I have gotten used to MIL though she’s still annoying. You’re stronger than you think! Find strength from baby, things will get better, trust yourself! :)

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hugs** I was in a similar situation but slightly better as I managed to move into my own house during my pregnancy so no longer staying with her. my husband thinks his mum is always right and follow her and blame me for everything. As I also breastfeed like you. everything from why baby no poo, crying, don't want drink from milk bottle, why so thin, how I know if baby is drinking enough. I prefer latching but they forced me to pump. luckily I am one of those few who cannot pump (the milk just can't come out and I got super bad engorgement) so I can only continue to latch. it comes to my breaking point and I insisted to move to my mother place. where I finally smile and relax since I gave birth. my milk supply increase soo soo much. after ML I have no choice and went back to my own house and suffer again... then during one of the docvl follow up appointment (KKH) I suddenly voiced out that I suspect I have depression in front of my husband and seek help. I think it's at this point that shock my husband. during the consulting session, my husband will go in with me and we thrash things out (plus me crying). FYI I didn't have depression. it's more of communication breakdown with my husband. things get better after the many sessions (till they 'discharge' me).

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If you have your own flat, just cut her off till you feel better. Voice out to your husband and let him know you’re very very unhappy about this situation and make him do something. Let him know if he’s not gonna do anything about his mother, you won’t be able to continue the relationship for the sake of your sanity. For your mil, if you cannot ignore her, be more drama than her. Sure, no one will probably bother you, but pretty sure she knows how stupid she looks when she play victim. Don’t know why you don’t like her? Just tell her Yes, I don’t like you. So? Are you done crying? Can we move on? Do the same thing to her, blame her back. Pass to her then when baby cry, ask her what she do to her? Why wanna bully such a small baby. Let her have a taste of her own medicine. Some folks just thinks that you’re some paper cat if you don’t retaliate. If you cannot depend on your only husband, you’ll have to do it yourself. Back yourself up, voice out. Anyways worse comes to worse, if she can’t understand your POV then don’t talk lo.

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Whtever ur gg through trust me 1 out of 10 of us is gg through,but whtever the situation is , is ur baby n NO ONE gets to give any condition unless they hve a share of the pain u go through during labor, tbh u sound like ur the clingy mummy and u feel like ur mil is dictating everything, it is fine for u to be clingy but when u really think abt it , this could be avoided . Set REASONABLE boundaries, in a sense where it is fair for everyone, the baby , u and the in laws , certain u learn to let go certain things u stand ur ground , trust i do knw wht ur feeling cause we same species. But yes stand ur ground ant ur husband , talk to him he is stil the father of ur child if he doesn’t exist u wont hve ur the same bundle of joy , part of the baby is apart of ur husband so give him tht but he needs to be able to knw hw to balance the situation. Ur the mother u shld be respected when it comes to ur baby’s wellbeing

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Divorce might not be the best option. First try to have a calm conversation with your husband about your worries and be wary of not sounding like you are attacking his mother. Make your needs clear to him and your feelings about the situation. “I feel hurt by the comments because it makes me doubt my ability as a mother when I know I have been trying my best for our child” instead of “Your mother says this like I’m a bad mother”. Always kill with kindness unless there’s no other option. At the end of the day, your mental health and your baby’s wellbeing is most important but your husband is also key to this dynamic.

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2mo ago

Ok tht one really problem i sayyy really must set boundaries give her 2 days out of a week to pop by tell her tht u want privacy still but will give her time with the grandchildren

i feel u. i once having depression with my mil. very annoying. few months back found out i was preg for the 2nd time. thats when my emotion were very bad because of my mil keep telling my husband that i dont let her see her grandson. which i didnt do anything. until she call my mom n say that i change etc. my mom were very supportive towards me, she told me to ignore and play the game. until today whenever husb talk to me bout his mom, im getting more firm. tbh i really hate her, cause she make me depression from my 1st born day 1 till today 11 months.

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Sounds like you need an independent man, as your hubby is still a mummy boy, if both of you move out and live alone it’s problem solved. But your hubby can’t bear to leave his mum or dad either because of financial reasons or just still an immature guy. This is the real reason and not because of any MIL antics. If he don’t step up to protect the family then he’ll just pull a fast one in one way or another. Then it’s your choice to make, either bear with him or let him go. Remember it’s the spouse and not other people.

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I understand how you feel. My mil loves playing victim too. Make herself sound the best and the most pathetic and make it sound like everyone else is the difficult one who bullies her. If you’re still living with her, I suggest you and your husband move out to a rental flat first while waiting for your own flat (if you’ve applied). Yes, will be a financial burden but better than having your mental health compromised. And try speaking to your husband again and let him understand the seriousness. All the best ❤️

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