Interracial Marriage

I had interracial marriage (with a chinese) and to be frank I am not very sure how a DIL should be like in chinese culture. Unfortunately this was not discussed deeply with my husband prior to our marriage and I am finding it hard to adapt. Please share some advice for me to understand. Very often my IL will bring up “you’re married to your husband family”. What exactly is married to my husband family? Because to me I see them as a family and I act how I am with my own family. Some times I feel sad when others mention that my family no longer have rights on me or I should not be bother about them as much :( Is this part of it? The family also take interest in each other’s personal affair. Ever since we got married and have kids, I told my husband that I don’t mind sharing our views with the family for opinions (to respect them) but not when making decision. I feel like all decision making that concern us as husband and wife as well as our kids should be made by us and others should respect that but it seems otherwise. Any tips or ways for me to understand better and be a better DIL?

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I think it's great you are trying hard to learn and be accommodating. I'm Chinese in a Chinese marriage, but even so the culture is very different at my ILs (they are more religious and traditional) so it was a bit daunting for me because I don't know what are the landmines and my hubs doesn't know where the knowledge gaps are. I think you shouldn't overthink the cultural divide and their "seniority". As with any relationship where you are "the new junior", most importantly is to make them like you. Pay compliments, bring thoughtful gifts, offer to help, be cheerful, listen respectfully even when you disagree. The older folks tend to be really bad with words and thoughtless so just take everything in stride with a big pinch of salt. As long as your husband is supportive of you it's fine! It's quite... 1900s to be thinking you "own" your DIL, so I think it may just be poor choice of words. The common gripes I hear from people 50 to 70s is that it's better to have a daughter coz the daughter will care about you and visit you while the son is aloof. So yeah, generally the DIL still hangs quite a bit with her family, as long as both you and your husband are comfortable that arrangements are fair. Lastly I think there are nosey and opinionated families in every culture lol. Peaceful life with others will always be full of compromises, have your husband help draw the line, fake ignorance and make your decision anyway, or let some go and pick the battles you want to win. It's your husband,kid and your life that matters most at the end of the day, it's good to keep ILs happy but don't stress too much over it. All the best!

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M not from interracial marriage but my parents (mum) r more nosy type than my husband’s parents. She is the kind that likes to say there is no secrets in the family. I used to be very open with her as that was my upbringing, but after marriage I know clearly that my husband and I are one and my new family unit (me, him, future kids) is my priority. she had some adapting to do With empty nest syndrome and all. But eventually after 1-2 years she finally got it. Lesson learnt is that as daughter of my parents, I must learn to stand up for my husband by respecting his upbringing and beliefs may not be 100% same as how my mum brought me up. it won’t help if I just sit on the fence and let my husband be frustrated at my mum, leaving him to fend for himself in front of them. So if I may draw similarities to your case, your husband shld be aware of your feeling and opinions. In front of his parents, he has to make an attitude and behavioral change to “protect” you.

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Hey there.. I’m Chinese, and in an interracial marriage. I’m don’t think there is just 1 type of Chinese family. Unfortunately, your ILs may be the more ‘traditional’ type. It sounds like something out of a soap opera. I’ve never personally had to experience it. I hold the same ideals as you.. I treat my ILs as family but I would never involve them in decision making for my own family nucleus. Perhaps it may be a good time to have a good chat with your husband about his ideals and expectations when it comes to his side of the family. If the two of you can come to an agreement on where to draw the line, that’ll be best!

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