Selfish and self centred mother-in-law

Hello Mommies, I really needs to rant out and I don’t know who I can speak to. I really dislike my mother-in-law and my husband knows the reason was because his mother is way too self-centred and selfish. I never had any argument with my in-law before but I really feel sad on how they treated me. Just a bit of history.. Not only she commented about the house I wanted to get before married 3 years ago.. And when I was 4 months pregnant when we had our Chinese custom wedding last year after Chinese New Year. Things doesn’t turned to be like fairy tale ever since my mother-in-law knows I’m having a baby girl, she doesn’t show any concern whenever we visited her despite knowing baby and I was having complications. She can continue to have her lunch, treating as if heard nothing when I shared baby and I wasn’t doing well, she was sitting at the same table. The most she did was calling my husband to ask how are we newly wed doing.. Since baby born, she didn’t wants to visit us even though she called maybe alternate days. We invited her again and she did came for a while during baby’s full month and she gave me that deep impression of her didn’t want to come at all by putting on her mask throughout to avoid conversation with my parents who also here celebrating. She an able-bodied person, retiree, well educated so traveling by public transport or us getting her a cab down not a issue to her and she used to go for holidays few times a year before Covid. This year CNY supposed to be our first year celebrating together with our baby girl however she didn’t invite us for any reunion which this time she really pissed my family on how she had been treated me. My family felt that she doesn’t seems to welcome me and baby girl. What i can do to calm my family is by telling them maybe my mother-in-law doesn’t know how to cook so she didn’t invite. To be honest, I felt she is good in acting. She always acted my baby girl is her darling when in front of her family, but the truth is she behaved differently when they not around, bossy attitude to me. Definitely my husband believes that his mom is the best caring mommy and granny. The recent episode she and my husband really drives me nuts. I made the initial by asking husband to bring her and her sister out for lunch to catch up, lunch venue was so near to her place yet my husband just so sayang his mom and went to pick them up, left me and baby at the restaurant. (They had no issue to go overseas so a less than 10 mins bus ride is a issue to them now?!) After lunch, they wants to go elsewhere to get a sales item despite knowing we are going to my friend’s place do home visit my husband told me let’s send them. Fine, no use even I reminded him in front of them the timing we need to reach. Out of courtesy, my husband told his mum anything call him. She called 15 minutes after we dropped them and requested my husband to go back fetch them home from where we dropped them! Guess what? We was standing at my friend’s door not even stepped in! I trying to be nice, so I told my husband that’s fine you just go fetch them because I was thinking the maximum he would take will be 30 minutes to come back. But this selfish mother-in-law asked my husband to send them go elsewhere buy groceries and ended up nearly two hours my husband finally came back to me and baby. Why I am angry? We were supposed to catch up with my friend and family (my husband know them), yet I was left alone with my baby while my husband go to do chauffeur cum deliveryman service. What era is this that you think it is so hard to take public transport in Singapore? (I thought she told us they will fetch a taxi home?) I felt that I do not have the most basis respect from my husband and especially his mom! Maybe she just forgotten that his son has already married and got kid now? Why is she bossy him here and there and leaving me and my baby aside? I know my husband is filial piety, but I don’t understand why my mother-in-law can’t respect that we have our own lives now, even if she didn’t know we are going for home visit, even if we are going shopping you shouldn’t even call my husband back to pick you! Might as well ask us to wait for you to done with all your shopping then go do our own thing! Like how she treated me when I was pregnant feeling unwell! As usual, we quarrelled again BECAUSE OF HIS MOM. Again, he sided his mom thinking there’s no wrong for him to go fetch her, left me and baby behind. Many of you will advise me to have a conversation with him but I have tried talked to him many times, and reminded him your mom is always the cause of our arguments since the day I married to you! This time he told me that he don’t care if you think I am a Mommy Boy, as we have different all perception and the way I treated my family is different from you. (He will always drag my family out and making remarks saying the way I treat my family not so good whenever if we are talking about his mom - I was taught to be individual since young, hence my family won’t be like his mom behaving like a typical evil lazy never grownup mom always expecting the kids to serve her) I had given him the last option to separate if he still continues treating his mom as the priority even more important than baby and me. Because this wasn’t the first time all these happened. I’m tired of always being the one giving in, and making myself feeling so depressed, like not living like the true self as if a clown. Thank you Mommies for willing to read my long post..

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Oh dear. If I were you, I will just turn a blind eye and deaf ear when it comes to your MIL. Whatever your husband wants to do or whenever he wants to go visit his mother, let him be. LET HIM BE. Don’t bother anymore lah please this kind of treatment towards the mother of her own son’s daughter is disgusting. I think she’s afraid you might poison her son to put her aside. Just focus on your daughter. When your husband is around, treat him like a husband but when the topic of your MIL comes about, shut off and walk away or just go in one ear and out the other. Don’t need to comment anything, don’t need to give ideas also. Don’t even bother inviting or initiating anymore. Don’t trouble yourself and worry unnecessarily with these kind of nonsense problems. If he wants to bring your daughter visit his mother, LET HIM BRING HIMSELF. Don’t need to bother. Let him feel and taste how his own mother will treat his own daughter without you around. I know how you feel cause my Husband is also useless when it comes to having a serious talk. I know how frustrating and annoying it is.

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5mo ago

Because of the way she treated me when I was pregnant actually scared me that whether how she’s going to treat my daughter if I’m not around. Especially when she’s so good in acting in front of her family. Worse of all, once I saw her left my daughter unattended and she almost fell, and when I talk to my husband about it his reply was “my mom was there, what to worry about?” I had already tried to avoid any topic regarding to his mom yet he still wants me to meet his family when I had clearly stated previously during the argument that to prevent any further argument I rather stay away from them. But my husband doesn’t seems to care about my feelings. I really feel hurt on this. Why must I always give in to his toxic mom again and again?

your mil is toxic and your husband does not respect you and your marriage enough. your husband has the choice not to listen and give in so much (can order grab for them instead?) but he still doesn’t see your side of things. however don’t blame his mother or name call mummy’s boy when trying to talk, tell him how you feel and what you need him to do as a husband instead. reframe the conversation and not blame the mother (even though she’s clearly at fault, but he sure will be defensive once you badmouth his mum). he is the one who has to change since it’s impossible to get your mil to change for you. he needs to know that your new family with him SHOULD BE his new priority. parents and siblings should be important, but your new family unit has even more priority now. I have a counselor who helped me and hubs on his mum issue before too. Now he knows to protect my interests. (my mil seldom asked about me during pregnancy too even though it’s a boy, because she thinks it’s pantang - now my baby don’t like her 😝)

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5mo ago

I think he did some self-reflection otherwise he won’t suddenly said he don’t care if I think he is a mommy’s boy. To be honest, I have never badmouth or said anything insulting his mom till now. I always stated the truth to him and how his mom been treated me, but he just can’t accept the fact and obviously he is trying to defend his mom (thinking she is prefect). Yes, he has the choice to reject his mom many times but he always rather I give in than him saying no. Just like we already at the argument recently, he still wants me to go meet his family for a meal one day when I had clearly told him days ago I do not wish to see eat with his mom again. I don’t know how to act so well like his mom natural born actress.

VIP Member

I think it is still critical for you to talk to your husband to find a sweet spot. Maybe you can tell your husband that you going to do the last try to make it up with his mum. If it still does not work, he will not force you and your to visit her weekly or so. Maybe only during CNY or during special events that you guys are invited. He can go to meet his mum for sure. But he should also understand he is a father and not just a son. He need to balance his role and prioritise what is important or necessary. If he can't get you to like his mum or his mum to like you, then he should live with it. You both can consider finding counsellor for an expert advice as well. Lastly, just want to say *hugs*. Be strong for your child.

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5mo ago

There’s no “sweet spot” when topic comes to his mom. And it obvious he felt I should give in. Both the mom and himself doesn’t feel there’s anything wrong with the mom especially her arrogant attitude even towards my parents. For special occasions, his mom will never be the one inviting which I guess she is those waiting for people to invite her and she goes for free meals, even if she invites it will be last minute and is because others invited her. I have told him clearly, never tell me to go out with your mom again as I do not wish to have such incident again. And I also do not wish baby to tag along if you wants to go visit your mom. I might be selfish for not letting him bringing baby over but who was the one treated me worse than anything when I was pregnant with my baby? It too late for her now to act as if she cares in front of her family when deep inside me I know she’s just an actress.

It’s just the typical MIL! When we told her I was pregnant she acted as if she didn’t hear a thing. Only when hub told her it’s twins den she got excited a little. Subsequently when she heard they were boys she was even more excited.. now that they’re borned, she snatches all opportunities to be with the babies.. snatches to feed the first.. when the first isn’t really drinking as fast she puts him aside n grabs the opportunity to feed the second saying the first is full. Even when they r sleeping she just wants to carry BOTH of them before she unwillingly leaves. Having trouble preventing her from coming over ;(

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5mo ago

Fully agree! Even people who met us, saw how she treated me also felt that she’s really horrible especially the attitude she showed to my parents is simply no respect.

You are better off without her. Your husband is spineless. Just teach your child well, ignore her and live your life.

5mo ago

Thanks! I wish I can ignore her but my husband is into his mother, even I tried to avoid topic about his family.

VIP Member

That is horrible. Your husband really needs to get is priorities right, especially now that he’s a father.

5mo ago

He felt that his mom is already old, and feeling he didn’t spent enough time with her in the past when he was previously with his ex and career.

i feel this too now..

5mo ago

What happened? I hope you won’t experience the same here.