A journey too short

Hello there, first time mother here. Hoping that leaving my story here will ease a burden off my shoulders. Breastfeeding came relatively easy to me. Baby was latching properly, I had a good milk supply and I was highly motivated. The harder parts came from my LO rejecting my breast sometimes or a really bad letdown which ultimately covered my room floor with milk droplets and constantly having to pump out to prevent my clothes from getting wet. (Which is not that bad tbh) I was 21 days postpartum when I had my first mastitis. It was the CB period and Dr. Google had already told me that I had mastitis. I was afraid to get a fever and my hubby had just returned to work. I was texting him to let him know that I wasn't feeling well. My baby is exclusively breastfed and we didn't even buy any formula because of my milk supply. My hubby was irritated thinking I was seeking attention from him. (Him finally working while I had to take care of baby by myself). I grew agitated explaining to him that I had mastitis. I was desperately feeding from the affected breast and doing a lot of got compress. I finally had a high fever of 39deg the next day and my hubby had to persuade me to go to a GP ( I wanted to see my gynae instead but it was a Friday night so the next available time was Tuesday). GP advised me to take antibiotics and pump and dump. Eventually. I lost about 2L plus worth of breastmilk as he said the drug in my system will affect my baby. I saw a LC the following week to clear up any clogged ducts and felt ultimately better. Fast forward to a little over a month post partum and I had a second episode of mastitis. By now I had seen my gynae for my 1 mth pp check and mentioned that I might be having mastitis based on early symptoms. He checked and told me that it wasn't mastitis yet and prescribed me antibiotics still and another drug to constrict the milk ducts. After being diagnosed mastitis the second time by a GP, I sought advice from my gynae again and said the pain was getting worse despite the fever going away. He then prescribed me a stronger dose which actually became worse. It was a Saturday and I had developed an abcess on my areola. It was big, red and burning! My gynae advised me to see a breast surgeon to cut the abcess immediately. I showered, did a last minute effort to express out in the shower (painfully) and fed my LO with the affected breast. Guess what, there were no breast surgeons available after noon on a Saturday (govt or private) . None. My hubby asked me to tahan till Monday. By now I was already sweating from the pain and managed to find one (a plastic surgeon who was able to do the procedure on that very day). I was so relieved. I rushed down to his clinic scared I might be late and did a consult. He told me that he was able to do an incision and debridement to clean the affected tissue inside and fit a vacuum machine over to suck out any blood and pus for a faster recovery. My pain level at this point was at a level 9/10. And I was very sensitive to any small touches much less wearing clothes at this point. I still remember my hubby had to pay 1.6k and he gave me the angry look as if I had financially bankrupt him at this point. (we were saving for renovation and despite me putting in the same amount as him every month). My hubby can't really take stress and usually vents at me. Sometimes, I try to make things better , but usually I argue back and we won't discuss the issue further. That day, I was hungry , tired , mentally and physically exhausted. So I just kept quiet while they put me in a wheelchair to get to the hospital. I still vaguely rmb my surgeon showing me the video where he made the first incision. (I was still high on GA) The amount of blood, pus and milk just gushed out everywhere. He told me that I had a 8x6x10cm cavitity in my breast now. Adding it was the size of an orange. It was pretty overwhelming. He told me that a bigger decision was whether I wanted to continue breastfeeding or not. And I chose not to, afraid that I might get mastitis again or prolonging my recovery. At 5 weeks , after taking the drug to stop lactation, my menses came in. My heart ached as the realisation of not being able to bf my baby dawned on me . My baby had to be cared for by my sister and her family during my recovery as my hubby was an essential worker. I was warded for a day and after which my hubby picked me up first, then our baby. I had to carry the vacuum machine everywhere I went. I was still recovering from surgery so I can't pick up my baby. And it broke my heart to a million pieces. When he cried all I can do was to wake up my hubby to defrost my breast milk which I was pumping so hard for his infantcare in a month's time. Pretty soon I was stubbornly trying to push myself to do things as my hubby had to return back to work. The worse part during this time was on the unaffected breast, I was still having a lot of letdown. And despite having my menses , I was still lactating. I had to take the drug a second time together with many cabbage leaves therapy to eventually stop it. I had to go to my surgeon's clinic twice for the changing of dressing and I saw my nipple being stuck on the sponge . It was being ripped when they tried to take the sponge out. I was inconsolable. I broke down and wailed. I asked God, why me? Why did I have to go through this? Why must I have this when other women have beautiful stories? The nurses had to rub my back and hold me together to help me through the lowest point of my life. My hubby walked out of the clinic. And I know he didn't want me to see him crying as well. Deep down he really couldn't see me hurt. I'm not a soft hearted person or someone who cries easily. But this entire period of my life just humbled me in the worst way possible. Going back to the hospital again to stitch up the cavity, I saw many 'breastfeeding friendly hospital policy' poster. And I teared up again in the lift, holding my vacuum machine. I bawled my eyes out again seeing an informal video on breastfeeding on the TV while waiting for my day op. The nurse came in to do a 'admission interview' and casually asked if I was still breastfeeding , I said no. And she asked how old my baby was. I told her that my LO was only 7weeks and she empathetically said, 'ohhh poor thing' with tears in my eyes I said that I wasn't blessed with a longer breastfeeding journey. Now while recovering from the entire nightmare of my life, I am silently crying. Silently wishing why I couldn't have provided my baby with my milk for a bit longer. Thank you for reading this far. Thank you for sharing my pain.

A journey too short
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Hi mama, dont be sad. Cant give breastmilk to ur baby isnt the worst thing. Think back, my eldest sister, she is a doctor now, she is healthy as well (my mom never gave her breastmilk tho). Another case, my friend who is a businessman, he ever told me about his childhood story, he came from a very poor family even having a proper meal at that time is a big problem, his mom only can gave him porridge soup and sometimes sugar water. (His mom has to work so impossible to give him BM) Now even in his 50's, he is still very healthy, what he do is to maintain healthy life. Breastmilk is not everything dear. As long as you give all ur love, u educate ur baby well, u share, u care, u walk tgt the journey with him, He/she still can be strong,healthy and success person. Be a strong mommy. Breastmilk is not your whole world either ur baby. Shower him/her with love, educate them well, provide healthy food/proper meal, provide proper environment, be an understanding and reasonable parents, That is the "whole world" they need most. Jiayou! You are not alone.

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Honestly, environment and genetic play more important role in your baby growth. BF is just one of the choice and not the only choice. I have a friend who travel Frequently to overseas for leisure and she left the baby to mil. Everytime they brought back luggage packed full with bm. Do you think the bm produced in Netherland can provide immunity for baby in Singapore if there's a new breakout? The lipid can't make a baby better person without proper guidance, education and love from parents. You have did your best so don't feel sad or regret. In fact you have an extraordinary bf journey. You could use this experience and help other mothers in future. Don't waste your time in grieving or thinking unhappy things. The happy moments you share with your newborn is very short and more precious than anything else. Appreciate it. Sorry if I say something that touched your feeling. BTW, the nurse and some bf advocates are really annoying and extreme. Not everyone are able to bf. Please stand in their shoes and think of their feeling

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VIP Member

Ur story melt my heart , but with a quick decision u made it n recovered faster.. don’t worry sad days r coming to test u .. n u overcome out of it ... stay strong.. the thing I want to share with u I am hving healthy pregnancy n child but I didn’t get much breast milk though I hardly seen my boy crying with insufficient milk hence I have started fm n bm n what he stopped to drink bm after 5months with me even I pump it’s nothing come .. so don’t worry everyone have their own story but u r suffered a lot, but it’s ok u r overcome out of it .. thankq for sharing ur story take care of u both ..

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We always have to remember that the best is always profeed instead of probreastfeeding You are very brave and to share I know must have been heart wrenching. Don't be discouraged. We as mothers always put our kids before ourselves but sometimes we have to remember that we must be healthy and well in order to look after our little ones. No one would have expected this to happen especially you. You love your baby and that is all that matters and love goes a long way.

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Super Mum

❤️ I want to give you a big hug dear. I’m sorry you had to go through such an ordeal. I’d also like to tell you that you’re an amazing mummy, wife and woman! May you recover well completely, both physically and emotionally, and may you know that you’re still the most beautiful mum and hero to your little one! Just said a prayer for you ❤️ If you ever need a listening ear, drop me an email at [email protected], and I’ll give you my number okay?

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I think you’re an awesome mummy. Please stop feeling bad about not breastfeeding for longer. We have to take care of ourselves first before we can take care of our babies. And as many have pointed out already, fed is best - regardless of bm or fm. Please feel immensely proud of yourself instead that you bore all this as a mother.

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TapFluencer

Stay strong mummy. Breastfeeding is just a process definitely i understand you wanna give the best to your baby. But you got to take good care of yourself before you can take care of your baby. Your baby need you very much. No matter bf or not all mama are great. Hope you get well soon

Super Mum

Wow. Firstly, you wrote so well. Secondly, I think you are too hard on yourself. Do you know what your baby needs the most? To have a happy mummy who can hug her and play with her. So you have to stay strong for the baby!

Thank you for being a strong mummy! Just by sharing this just shows how strong-willed you are! And I'm sure you like a heroine to many. Your story is very meaningful and touching. Continue to stay strong!

VIP Member

hi mummy, stay strong please. not being able to breastfeed doesnt mean youre not a good mom, your baby still needs you! think positive for your baby please, you are already a strong mom. take care!