How to tell people NO

Share with me how you guys tell people off without sounding rude, or hurting their feelings. For example: My SIL loves giving super bright screen time to my 5.5 months old baby girl. My SIL gives my LO washed salad (I don’t know how clean though), just so she can suck on the water. My SIL will pass comments saying my LO doesn’t this and that like the rest of her nieces and nephews. My Mother will bring my LO out while I am working without asking my permission. My MIL will just take my baby and go down to the shop without even asking if I would allow it. My Husband doesn’t bother telling his sister or mother off or say no. My mother would assume she knows everything about how to handle my LO, but it’s just not how I would want to parent or educate my baby. I’ve tried telling my mother nicely not to bring my LO out without me but it became a huge fight and she said I might as well keep my baby in a store room. Yup. And I usually just turn a deaf ear to all the comments made by people but sometimes it frustrates me that these people just don’t understand that ALL BABIES ARE DIFFERENT and every parent have different parenting styles.

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Super Mum

Hi, I fully understand your preferences in baby care. I think it’s every mother’s natural instinct. At the same time, if we’re working, it’s very difficult to control many things and dictate exactly how others should take care of our LO, because they’re the ones dealing with the day to day crying/tantrums/difficulties, and the caregivers then want to use their own styles of coping or dealing with that, which can definitely be very different from our style. Like you said, trying to remotely tell them what to do will likely lead to big fights and unhappiness. In my case, my husband became a stay at home dad, and even he and I have super different parenting styles. We had lots of discussions and sometimes arguments, but it was a big learning journey for both of us.. to find a good balance between the styles, and each giving in at different times. When my 2nd LO came along, I took a big step to stop work for a year, so that both my husband and I could work through raising the 2 kids in our own styles and yet complementing each other. I also got to experience all the daily tantrums/struggles he faces, so I’ve become more understanding in letting him do certain things his way. May I humbly suggest that you consider: 1. Having good conversations with your LOs caregivers, to understand their thoughts and struggles, to see why they do things that way.. then you can explain your worries and concerns too.. 2. If things still don’t work out, and these concerns are very significant for you, then perhaps consider infant care? Or if you’re willing, take time off from work to look after your LO yourself? (I really did enjoy the year of freedom in deciding my parenting style, although it was also tiring) Hope you’ll find a good solution:)

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4y ago

Actually I typed a whole lot after “my mom is toxic...” but apparently AsianParent has limited characters for replies. Anyway, Yes! Me too.. I’ve been getting baby stuffs online and they’re much much cheaper. Today my mom hurt me again with her words. She said if she’s not getting $$ a month, she won’t look after my LO. I really can’t afford her.😔 And I’ve been falling sick due to all the stress and at this rate sure feels like going into depression. My attendance at work is really bad lately, I’m lucky enough my employer is not letting me go, yet. I really don’t know what else to do. I can’t take sabbatical leave either as I have commitments to pay. My husband is on contract basis and not guaranteed a job in a few months due to COVID retrenchment. Tough as hell now. 😞

Hi! Before I gave birth, I foresee all these parenting difference that’s our parents would have compared to us, and hence we did not even consider engaging their help. So right from day 1, we decide to put her to ifc. And after I give birth, we have been proven right that our parents are really not aligned with us, and sometime I feel they are “outdated” in their parenting style. And after 6mo of ifc, my husband and I still have the final say in all of our baby welfare. How we want to parent our child and teach etc. I suggest you talk to ur husband about it and see what’s the best solution you can have. ***edit: I saw ur reply below about ur mum being toxic . I wouldn’t even want to engage her help. She is helping to take care of grandchild out of love , not using the grandchild as a mean of making money.

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4y ago

Hey! Don’t blame urself & it’s not ur fault at all. Don’t be too hard on urself. You need the child bc in order to register interest for ifc anyway. Why not just continue current arrangement while you actively source for ifc (if u are keen). Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are doing a great job!