did i start it wrong or was it time to do it?

Hi Parents, I have 3 kids, (2 girls - 9 & 7 years old, 1 boy - 1.5 years old). I have always been that protective mum, obsessive mum & probably extra cautious to my girls. I have always remind them about taking care of themselves and not to mingle too much to boys, except in sch for sch matters but no boys communication after that. Last June, my older girl turns 9 and we thought after so much of observing, she seems to be very independant and someone whom we know is capable of any task. we bought her a mobile phone, those common Samsung model, not any high tech but she is able to communicate through whatsapp, watch youtube etc. All the phones account is under my name so that i could monitor what she watch etc exp of course her whatsapp chat. As a mum and seeing her growing up, i wanted to give her the feeling that this phone is given with trust. A trust that no boys should have her number and a trust that i should not check her phone unneccessarily. It is used as a form of communication between me and the kids at home coz we dont have a house phone. So my girl will update me about the other kids, we video call when i miss them at work, a sort of communication with the helper as well. She has always asked for my permission before using the phone and any friends (only girls allowed) needs her number will have to go through me. Means they will need to message me before i release her number. However, recently, my husband caught her using the phone was late at night. As a dad, he think no twice, and his intention to take the phone is to keep it away from her but to our disbelief, she has been messaging a boy from class with his name kept as "MY BFF". there were messages of "love you", "you wont leave me, right?" "are you mad at me?" etc. Emoticons of flying kisses, people kissing. she tried to defend herself by saying that all her bffs say I love you to each other. But what disturb me was that, she will iniate the message first and if no reply from the other user, she will keep messaging till he reply. she will message things like "are you angry at me?" "why you never reply me?' "what did i do wrong?' etc. sounds similar right to what adults would do to our other half. there was also 1 particular message that caught me when she asked " so is it you and me are boyfriend & girlfriend?' Understand from the chat history that she even left her girlfriends group because this boy doesnt like them or she told him to not friend with them because they hurt her something like that. Fyi, this boy is her classmates. i could not hold my anger and talk and reprimand her about her action and how she has broke my heart and my trust (not sure if its too early to make her understand about trust) We decide to confiscate her phone but i keep emphasizing her about her mistakes and that she lied behind me, she broke my rules and she hurts me. but after a few days, i am not sure if what i did was wrong at the start or is it the sign that i should have start my BGR talks with her. but she is only 9 years old. i dont know how to handle this. At a moment, she was like kind of mad at me for having to take away her phone, but i told her the reason of her actions. things were ok. but will she hate me? What would you do if you were in my shoe? and because of this, i am not able to video call the kids when i miss them or see their pictures when i miss them. but i know i cant give her the phone because my husband will definitely against it hard. but i just dont want my kids to hate me. What should i do?

Anonymous

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Hey Mummy, just like to share with you about my life story as a kid who had strict parents. I am 32 now and looking back, I wished I had better relationship with my parents. I wished they had been more lenient but to think again, if they had been lenient, I would have ended up in prison. I’ll tell you why. Back then I hated my parents for confiscating my phone. At 12 years old I ran away from home for a day. My parents went hysterical. They tightened their disciplinary actions against me. Threatened to send me away for some religious boarding school. That made me even more angry and I swear to God I grew up hating my mother for over 15 years of my life. At 14 I ran away again this time it was for a week or so because I didn’t have the freedom I wanted. Like go out with friends etc. I had to go home straight after school. I lost my virginity at 14. My parents sent me for a virginity test check under police orders after reporting me as missing person. The guy got caught for underage sex, got caned and imprisonment. But all that didn’t change me at all. In total, I ran away from home 6 times. The longest being 1 month when I was 16. I put my parents through hell. I put everyone through hell. At 17, my mom had to wait for me outside school just so that I don’t meet my then-boyfriend. Every single day. That made me even more rebellious because I was freaking embarrassed! I flung my studies, and starting working part time while studying when I reached 18. My father bought me a car at 21. Imagine how ungrateful I was back then. But that didn’t stop there. At 19 I got pregnant and went through an abortion at 10 weeks. My life was hell. At the age of 22, I got kicked out of the house. I rented a room for almost 2 years and lived through days without food and money alone. It was an eye-opener for me. Sadly it took me more than 10 years to realise I’ve wasted many years of my life. What I’m trying to say is that, at this age, in this era especially, some kids won’t seem to grasp the idea of discipline. All they want is things to be their own way without anyone telling them no. They will not understand why they can’t do certain things. Of course they will nod their heads and say yes they understand and cry and all that bullshit but it’s just gonna make them even more curious and want to do it even more. Some actually don’t care if you’re hurt. Harsh truth. They will put friends and their boyfriends/girlfriends before their own families. Be like a friend to them without trying so hard. Listen. Listen. And listen. Don’t judge, just listen. Don’t say a word, just listen. Be their best friend. Just like how you’d want a best friend to be like. It takes a while to adjust. It’s gonna be awkward but at least try. Try and make the effort to reach out to your growing child. Back then I wish my mom was like my friends mom, they listen, they joke around, they hug their children, they don’t shout at them, they don’t beat them up, and these kids grow up to be lovable kids, respectable kids, kids with a darn good future. Your 9 yo is a growing little lady. She will explore more in the coming years. Whether it’s gonna make you, or break you. And teenage years are every mothers nightmare. Loosen up Mummy, your girl wants to be heard and not reprimanded by both Mom and Dad every single day. She knows it’s wrong, that’s it. Leave it at that. Move forward. The phone is not the issue here. Good luck and all the best.

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Home Random Talk parentsi have 3 kids 2 girls 9 7 years old 1 boy 15 years old i have always been that protective mum obsessive mum probably extra cautious girlsi have always remind them about taking care themselves not mingle too much boys except in sch sch matters but boys communication after thatlast june older girl turns 9 thought after much observing seems very independant someone whom know capable task bought mobile phone those common samsung mode