Anyone living with mil and have a amicable relationship with her?

Question

I have a question for all. Im perturbed with how my husband said my mil cares for us by avoiding conflict and not interfering in our lives. I shared my honest view with him today that I was disappointed with my mils answer when he broke the news to her about my pregnancy and that the kitchen floor was slippery. (Background: The floor outside the toilet entrance is always full of puddles of water after she washes her laundry. If the floormat is there, the floor at would be soaking wet and it surrounding area full of water. ) My mils reaction to my husband was to ask me to wear a slipper. I need some help from you ladies... Why isnt her first thought about keeping the floor dry but asked me to wear a slipper instead? I accepted the fact that she did not want to interfere with our lives to avoid conflicts but I frankly told my husband I dont think she cares. Below are 3 particular incidents to highlight out of the others, needing you ladies or guys to also share your perspective as I am starting to have doubts and relationship with my husband is strained over mil. 1. I had a surgery last year and was admitted to the hospital. She never came to visit (she called once when I was re-admitted and I appreciated that) and never cooked anything since I returned home after recuperating at my own parents place. 2. She keeps my husbands clothes on the rack, leaving mine there. Husband says bcoz she wanted to avoid conflict so she didnt want to touch my clothes. I accepted it. 3. When you are sick, no words of asking if u feel better or helping to cook some light meals. Even friends would show verbal concern and I thought this is a natural care and concern that people do to each another. Honestly, I feel tired... Ive shared with my husband that I feel that there is a lack of support at home, especially now that I am pregnant and still working from home. Im not saying that being pregnant means everything has to suit me and to be given in to me but Im really tired... with overwhelming work demands and the lack of support and social support staying with mil, and the accommodating to unhealthy practices at home. I thought I had my husband who could listen to me objectively and I could share these thoughts with him but now I dont think so. He told me tonight that he thinks all along I am thinking that mil doesnt care about me and I am not being fair to her. Please share your perspectives with me...

Alia Demelda Sharma · Answer

Hello Hun, I hear you and feel your frustrations. Staying with MIL will have its ups and downs. May i ask, are you the only daughter inlaw? It's hard to comprehend what our elderly is feeling and thinking. They are probably just adapting to changes around the house and is not clear on how or what to do right. They wont admit it but they are actually not sure of their actions either. My advice is to focus on what makes you happy and calm during the pregnancy. With regards to how she is treating you, dont sweat it so much just focus on you and your marriage. Your hubs is also in a difficult position. After all that is his mother, so of cos he will want both the ladies in his life to get along. Avoid comparing how she treats him vs how she treats you. It will never be the same (i know it too well 🤪). Tolerence is the only way to get through this. In time she and you will be able to adapt to eachothers character. For me, i choose to see ONLY the good in my MIL and brush of the rest. That is the only way for me to stay happy and develop love for her.

1 more comment

Anonymous

3y ago

I wasn't her only dil, but probably the one who stayed with her under the same roof for the longest period of time.

Raven Tan · Answer

Hmmm are you her first DIL? She feels awkward and frankly seems to be treating you as a stranger still instead of "her new daughter". Is she overly conscious of herself/scared of crossing you, and hence just wants to avoid interaction with you? How long had you known her, and do you reach out to chat daily? Sharing my exp, I met my hubs and got married in just a year, so I was fairly new to the household. I'm from a very different background (I can't cook or clean for nuts but doing quite well career-wise) so I think my ILs were quite wary of me, maybe worried I would judge or get culture shock. Like I notice they are quite polite in their interactions, and would ask permission for little things. They tend to speak through my hubs too if there's any advice they want to dispense. I try to be super open and put down my guard, roll up my sleeves to help whenever I can, and also try to chirp in whenever our opinions are experiences are in line. We are a lot friendlier now and they feel comfortable to call me directly if they need help or can't get my hubs. It may be a completely diff situation but if she's not reaching out maybe you could take the initiative to break the ice? It's awkward to be strangers under the same roof. It'll be great for both of you if you could move out soon too, she may also just be adapting really badly to cohabiting so it'll reduce the stress for both of you. Hang in there and be careful in the kitchen!