How to overcome in-law problems?

REPLY FROM OUR THERAPIST AMBER: It can get tricky trying to establish rules with your in laws, because you may be worried about the impact of boundaries on the family relationship. Nevertheless, healthy relationships have boundaries and these can be done respectfully. At times, grandparents giving in could be their way of showing love, and they could be unaware of the unintended consequences. I would suggest having a conversation with them that involves sharing your understanding about their difficulties. Share with them about your concerns of your daughter having a cough. Then share your wish to help them build a closer bond with your child. Next, you could invite them to collaborate with you on ways they can build this relationship. For example, if your child enjoys looking at picture books, they could look at picture books together. Because your daughter has learnt that her grandparents will give in when she insists, help your in-laws prepare for likely tantrums (which is normal

REPLY FROM EVONNE: I can understand how hard it is to assert your boundaries especially when you want to be still respectful to your in-laws. When you share your boundaries, you hope that your in-laws will understand and respect it. Firstly you might want to validate their feelings of pride for their grandchild. Share your understanding about their custom. Then, you might want to share your reasons for your boundaries and rules and how it makes sense for you and your spouse. It may be that you say that you wish for your child to learn about safety and boundaries too. Grandparents are important people for your children, and they can contribute in different ways.

REPLY FROM AMBER: Thanks for your question! It looks like you’re noticing behaviours you’re not comfortable with. If you’re noticing negative impact on your children, it may be a good idea to have an open and respectful conversation with your spouse first, to explore if you are sharing the same views. If possible, having an open conversation with your in laws could be very helpful. While I do acknowledge it can be hard, it may be helpful to seek understanding of their perspectives before sharing your concerns. Of course, if you are concerned about harm to your child, you would have the right to protect your child for their safety.

REPLY FROM AMBER: It’s not easy when grandparents have different methods of parenting and are heavily involved in caregiving. If you’re noticing impact on your children, it may be a good idea to speak with your spouse to explore if you are sharing the same views. If possible, having an open conversation with your in laws could be very helpful. If possible, seek to understand their perspectives before sharing your concerns. Most grandparents may be overly strict or permissive out of their worries for the grandchildren they love dearly. Helping them see that you’re seeking to understand them and build a better relationship with your child may help them be more open to your feedback. All the best! AMBER