How to overcome in-law problems?

REPLY FROM OUR THERAPIST EUNICE: With regard to "culture", I will take into consideration familes joined by inter-ethnic group marriages within the Singapore culture, international marriages, and other more subtle cultural differences between and within family (e.g. more traditional vs more contemporary practices/perspectives between and within families. With regard to "intergenerational" differences, my perspective is that there are actual and perceived differences. Think about this, there are actual intergenerational differences as we are literally from different age cohorts from our parents or in-laws. For example our parenta or in-laws might be say, in their 70s and we the children might typically be in our 30s thru to 50s. While there are actual intergenerational differences, I believe that there are also perceived intergenerational differences, whereby we run the risk of easily attributing or dismissing challenging family situations to "intergenerational gaps". Which amongst

REPLY FROM AMBER: You can maintain a healthy relationship with your in-laws by planning moments where you can spend quality time together on your visits or vice versa. It doesn’t have to be extravagant moments or big trips. Sometimes, taking time to listen and be with each other can make the experience more fulfilling. On a daily basis, sharing moments through photos, text messages or a video call can be helpful too.

REPLY FROM AMBER: if your children are hesitant in approaching their grandparents, try to seek understanding from their point of view about their discomfort. Then you could explore activities that would be suitable for your children and their grandparents to participate together. Examples can include a visit to the park or reading together. When there’s opportunities for enjoyable shared moments, it’ll be easier for a relationship to grow.

REPLY FROM EVONNE: It can be frustrating to communicate with your in-laws, especially if you are not used to their communication style. I hear your intention to want to build more positive relationships, and maybe recognising the need to be respectful to them. Sometimes all families want is to be understood and heard. You can try putting aside your own agenda and understanding your parent in law’s perspective. Most of the time, I find that they just want to feel like they are important and that they can help. Try to see that their intentions are good and well-meaning. With this belief in mind, maybe you can understand more of their approach.

REPLY FROM AMBER: This can be very tricky if you’d have to do this alone. It would be a good idea to discuss with your spouse about how or what you’re like to communicate with your in-laws first. Some helpful ways will be to be respectful in your communication as well, where you can share understanding of their perspectives. Next, you can state your ground and be firm. Having support from your spouse will be very helpful as well. - Amber

REPLY FROM OUR THERAPIST EVONNE: I can guess that you are feeling helpless with the conflict with the in-laws and yet want to find a way to resolve it. Hence you think about involving an external party. It makes sense as sometimes family members are personally involved and affected, so it can be hard to resolve it calmly. Suggesting to get help from a family therapist makes sense. You might want to share that you treasure your relationship and that in-laws are important people to your children. Hence you would like to get help to resolve your differences. EVONNE

REPLY FROM EVONNE: I hear your desire to rebuild your connection with your in-law. I hope your in-law hear your good intent too and understand your perspective. They may want to be understood and be able to help. Sometimes it can be helpful to take some time out to calm yourself and reflect on the pattern of interaction that is causing the difficulty. I often see that both parties are fighting to be understood and heard. When you feel understood, then you will feel less upset and defensive. If the difficulty is too much and the same negative pattern of communication keeps happening, then you might want to consider getting a family therapist to support your family.

REPLY FROM EVONNE: I wonder if you are feeling guilty with each choice and it is hard as both sides grandparents want to spend time with you and your children. AND you also have to balance quality time with your children. There is no right answer to this and it is really appreciating the time you spend with each family and feeling grateful for the time.

REPLY FROM AMBER: This depends on the relationship you share with your spouse. If it’s generally easy to have an open conversation, you can share your needs with your spouse. If you find it hard to communicate with your spouse, it can be helpful to seek support from a couples or family therapist to help you better communicate with each other.