Grieflike state

I've gone for my 20 week scan and it's already revealed that it's a boy... I really wanted my first to be a girl, one reason being I grew up with an older brother from hell. My colleagues have been asking what's the gender and I just keep lying that baby's legs keep crossing and we can't see. I'm really in denial and I feel so silly going through this grief-like state when I still have a healthy baby with ten fingers and a beating heart. I feel like a terrible mother.