I wish to change my baby’s surname

Question

Hi i’m an unwed mother, abit different from single moms. My ex boyfriend raped me while we were staying together to get me pregnant as he really wanted a baby while i never wanted to be a mom. I told him that as a mom, i can’t stay with him as our relationship is toxic and I don’t want my child to grow up watching this type of behaviour from him. When i say i was going to leave, he choked me. At times when i wanted to break up, he refused to let me. I went to another’s guy’s house back then and he said i cheated on him because he never agreed to break up. When i said i wanted to go back to my dad’s house, he refused to let me leave. He has made threats that his friend will beat me up and they know how i look like. He said he will beat any guy i get with in the future too. Despite that, i naively gave him the chance to change. Everyone deserves a second chance right?During my pregnancy, he was incarcerated for taking drugs. I treated him as my family so I believe him when he told me that he didn’t take drugs and the officer forced him to confess. He had also been working so he didnt have time to take drugs. My doctor told me she doubt that is the truth because she have seen enough drug cases to know it doesn’t happen this wayAfter the child is born, i was happy and thought he was doing his best to change so i allowed him to be in the birth certificate. I took his letter of incarceration to ICA so that he can be an informant of the child’s birth. And since we intend to get married, he told me to put his surname or the child is like a “bastard” and will get bullied in school. He also say it’s expensive to change the name again later on. I also decided to file the report 1-2 months later, i realized he hasn’t change. He was still selfish and only thought of himself. I realised that if that’s the case, he may rape me even infront of the child n say “oh the child won’t remember this”. I didn’t want my child growing up learning to be like his dad. I also didn’t want him to become like me an stay in an abusive relationship. Because of that, I decided to break up with my ex. Needless to say, he isn’t happy and tried to play the victim, saying he wish he can hate me but love me too much. He also hinted that i made him so unstable he had to be confined inside of DRC. I also filed a report for rape after much persuasion from my social workersAfter that, one of his fellow inmates got released and contacted me through whatsapp to tell me everything. He said that he saw how i did my best to help my ex change, but told me that my ex will never change and not to get back with him. My ex had confessed to everyone how he lied to me about working when he was actually out doing drugs. In the rehab Center, everyone was tryna change but my ex didn’t even seem like he wanted to. From what I remember, he had ever told me that selling drugs paid the bill (he have ever had enough drugs to get him hanged, but he was charged for consumption, not selling). He even said that during his first incarceration, he was inside exchanging contacts with people for drugs so I suspect that was what he is up to. And the worst part was how he once told me he left money around for his mom when he worked. He had lied about it and all the other inmates know. His inmate then felt like I deserve to know the truth and he told me to never get back with my ex. My ex had said he want to be in the baby’s life, but his inmate suspect he is doing that to get me to drop the rape charges against him. His inmate told me not to drop it and wished me the best. I felt like i had been treated like a foolI then went to get probono lawyers to help me with getting sole custody and no access to the child. The lawyers told me that it would really help my case if the rape case goes through. Around the same time, i got a call from my IO to inform me that the rape case fell through. According to the IO, court decided that because we were cohabiting during that time, it’s hard to prove which sex was consensual and which isn’t. I don’t have any ill intentions of wishing him to be inside for longer, but it would really help me with my custody and access case. As someone who came out of such a relationship, seeing his surname on my child’s letters bring up so much heartache and anxiety. According to the pro bono lawyers i can change the child’s name if i have sold custody. But i read that ICA may not allow a name change unless my ex agrees fo it. He won’t consent because he is trying to use the child to get back with me. In his eletter to me (late October), he said that he wish to have visitation. Maybe take the child home on weekends. We can co parent and hopefully get back together. I don’t want that because he ever told me to put alcohol in the baby’s milk bottle if the baby is crying at night. I also i don’t wish to contact him as it brings out my anxiety. I really don’t know what to do. The probono lawyers also told me not to mention that i wish to change the baby’s name as it may affect my custody case. What should i do?  Does anyone have a good and relatively cheap lawyer that can help me after i get sole custody? I’m not working as i worry about the cases of covid in infant care so i don’t wish to put my child in school Also, because i can’t contact him, can i declare that he is uncontactable?Sorry for the rant and long background story. I just really don’t know what to do and it’s been eating away at me for a long time#pleasehelp  #surname #surnamechange #changesurname #rape

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

hello there, sorry that youve to go thru this alone and the things that had happened to you. maybe you can get your social workers and help you to book an appointment w a psychiatrist and assess your mental health that your ex had caused you? something like ptsd and whatnot since youve mentioned that seeing his name or hearing from him gives you anxiety? maybe it would help in your case?Im not too sure about it but it seems like you needed more proofs to get thru with the case. but since he has history with drugs consumption or procession, maybe it also gives u an advantage on your current case? maybe also write in to appeal to ICA (after u have won the sole custody of your child) that he no longer has access to the child and you wish to change the name, perhaps it would help? never try never know... or when the child grows up, I think she/he could change his own name when he reaches his legal age.all the best to you and take care!