I probably have to speak to a therapist for this, but this evening's been rough and I just need a listening ear. It a really long rant, I'm sorry.
My mum and I have had a difficult relationship. Long story short, she changed for the worse when my dad left 20 years ago, and the years after that, she just got worse - victimizing herself, manipulative, and selfish. I've tolerated this all these years because she's my mum. To a point where she'd tell me to lie or keep things from my husband and only tell her my problems, because I can never trust anyone but her. She's also the one who'd tell me over the years that no one will love me because of the way I am, and if I dressed or acted anyway that she didn't think was "girly", I was ugly and unwanted. But she's also the kind that will tell the world how much she loves me.
Once we found out I was pregnant, we told her the news, and all she thought was how she was going to be a grandma to a grandson. Mind you, we told her at the 3 month mark, and no clue on the gender. Never once did she ask how my pregnancy was, and I actually had a pretty tough 1st trimester, and tested high risk for preeclampsia. In short, I was scared shitless that I'd put this baby at risk. In the weeks to come, she'd text me baby names for boys only which I try to ignore. For context, this affects me because since I was a child, she'd tell me that my dad and dad's side of the family were disappointed that I was a girl (he's the eldest son, and I was the "first" grandchild), and that kinda stuck with me through the years of him leaving that "if I was a boy, would he have left?" So her going on about boys names just annoyed me because my husband and I both don't have a preference, and love this baby nonetheless. So I ignored her. Then came the line I drew. It was my aunt's birthday, and somehow things got a little heated.
To summarize - aunt's birthday was supposedly a surprise, but my uncle's bad at keeping secrets. So apparently my uncle invited my mother and told her he'll pick her up and bring her for dinner on a Saturday. But the day of the dinner, he had a last minute work thing, so my aunt texted if I could pick my mum up instead (she has 3 sons and was picking my grandma up). I called my mum to arrange a time, and that's when shit hit the roof. She took offense that her younger sister and brother-in-law didn't respect her enough to tell her they weren't picking her up and asked me (her daughter) instead. At this point, she was raising her voice, calling my aunt terrible names. I told her that it wasn't a big deal, and that I was pregnant so don't raise her voice. But she continued yelling, telling me how unfilial I am for taking my aunt's side. At this point I snapped and raised my voice too. My husband in the other room heard my yelling and came in to hear my mum's voice shouting through the phone and snatched the phone away from me because I was crying. He told her not to raise her voice at me because I'm pregnant and hung up. Thereafter she texted him really nasty stuff and said that he's trying to keep me away from her on purpose. Skipping to dinner - my uncle left work earlier to pick her up still, and dinner was pushed to an hour later, essentially, my aunt pacified her after having to listen to 30min of her yelling and name calling. On her own birthday.
Fast forwarding to a week later of me ignoring her, she sent a bunch of text to me asking if I was angry with her, and saying how she's not in the wrong and she's entitled to be this way because she's my mother, and my aunt's elder sister. I still ignored her.
Then came Christmas, she showed up at my house uninvited, told me she had a dream that I was going to leave her and that makes her sad because she loves me so much. So I sat her down and told her the above and how it made me feel. Guess what, she went hysterical. Saying how ungrateful I am for treating her this way after all she's been through raising me when my dad was the one who left. Mind you, I started working part time at 16 to pay for my school fees, took a gap year to earn pocket money, and my aunt was the one who paid for my university. My mother wanted me to quit school because it was too expensive. Not to forget, she's been "retired" since I started working full time at 24yo. I pay for her house, all the bills and give her an allowance.
I've tolerated 30years of verbal abuse from her, and if it weren't for this little one coming, my husband thinks I'll keep tolerating her - and I probably will, because like most of you will say "we only have 1 parent". But now that I have a little girl coming, I don't want her to live through the abuse I did. I don't want her to see her grandma's behavior and think it's okay to be selfish and manipulative. Am I wrong?#firsttimemom #preggymom #advicepls #pleasehelp