Living with a Narcissistic Mother While Raising Kids — I’m Emotionally Exhausted

Hi everyone, I’m a full-time single mom living in the Philippines, and I really need to share what I’ve been carrying. Maybe someone here can relate or offer some perspective. I live with my mom, which is culturally normal here even if you're in your 30s — especially for single parents. But emotionally, it’s been incredibly difficult. My mother is emotionally immature and shows narcissistic traits. I love her, and I still remember when she was fun and loving when we were kids. But everything changed when we became adults. Now it feels like our successes are hers to own, and if we fail or don’t have money, we’re treated differently — compared, judged, sometimes even emotionally neglected. I’ve felt worthless so many times just because I wasn’t meeting her expectations. One of the most painful things is when I tried to open up about how her behavior affected me growing up, and she replied with: “So everything I did for you when you had nothing was worthless?” It shuts me down every time. Before anyone says “just get a job and move out,” I want to explain — I’ve tried. I even went no contact for a while. But I came back. Partly out of guilt, partly because my mom has a heart condition and has already experienced heart attacks. The hardest part is that when we argue, I don’t even know if her heart condition is real or if she’s faking it. This uncertainty makes it even harder to set boundaries or fully leave. I don’t want to leave my kids in her care because I don’t want them raised the way we were. I don’t want them to grow up afraid of making mistakes, walking on eggshells, feeling like love is something you earn. There’s also the mental toll this environment has taken. I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts in the past — looking for love and validation in all the wrong places because I never felt good enough. One of my siblings attempted to take their own life, and while they’re doing better now, it still haunts us. Another one is struggling with depression. And one of my siblings… I think they might be starting to act like our mom — repeating the same cycles we all suffered from. I’m doing everything I can not to pass this pain on to my own kids. I want them to grow up knowing they are loved just for being themselves. I want them to feel safe being kids — not scared, not silenced, not pressured to be perfect. But healing in this house feels impossible sometimes. If you’ve been through something similar — dealing with a toxic parent while raising your own children, feeling guilty for setting boundaries, navigating Christian guilt and family pressure — I would really appreciate hearing from you. I’m trying so hard, and I just needed a place to say all of this. #narcissticmother