until we meet again...

This day is darkest day of my life, i feel gloomy, i feel wasted. All i can think is, is it me that have problem from the start? i lost my baby twice and its damn freaking hard. All i want is to have a family on my own… why its hard to have one? While others have an easy journey of life of their own? Am I paying the debt i never knew from the start? what sin did I do to make my life this way. Everyone said it happen for reason, but why i can’t see the reason from it? Am I just broken torn to pieces that I can’t understand everything? Literally I don’t understand why im going through lot of this all I want is a child for us to become a family. I remember the first and the last time I saw my first born son alive in the incubator I know he’s suffering, I damp my hand in his legs and it was cold and stiff, while I was talking the doctor his eyes half closed and when he hear my voice he open his eyes wide open, I feel guilty for his pain what his going through because of me. I walked out in the nicu I know the moment I saw him he’s just waiting for me  to say goodbye. They said keep praying god will hear you, and i prayed God for my first baby while his in nicu, God please heal him if he's meant for us. Cause I don’t want to see my son lying in the incubator taking all the shot's to cure him and its breaking my heart to see him suffering fighting for us, if he’s meant for us please heal him if not, do what you must to do and I will understand, and that day 3:00 in the afternoon God took him away. 6 months have passed and I prayed God, please blessed us another child who can stay and be with us until  our hair turns to gray, please blessed us a healthy child who can stay with us until we have grand child to him/her. Please God blessed us another child who is normal physically and healthy in health. And then after a month 6 months to be exact I found out that I’m pregnant again. I was extremely happy yet worried, afraid what will happen to us this time. I’m being afraid what happen from the past will repeat it self, After a month a half I went to  obgyne and I told her what happen from the past and she gave sympathetic words “this time , the baby in you womb will be yours  we will work on that I promised” so I feel safe and secure that time. she said after a week we need to meet again for the result of transvaginal utrasound so I did after a week. The sonologist said did your obgyne give you a medicine to hold your baby in the womb cause your baby's heartbeat is very slow at 72hbm. I said no and everything fall into pieces again she scheduled me again for another ultrasound to see the progress , after a week I came back and found out,  i lost my baby again. I feel devastated my tears keep falling,  I don’t know what to do, where to go so I ended up seeing my son's grave. I had a silent miscarriage so until now I don’t feel anything I don’t bleed either. Doctor said I need to wait at least 1 week for me to bleed so it will go naturally but until now, no symptom’s of cramping or anything, she gave me evening rose oil capsule to open my cervix she said, but I still I don’t feel anything