Pls bare with me for my long post as I don't know who I can speak with.
I have went through 2 mid-term termination of my pregnancies due to genetic disorder of my babies this yr and last yr.
Am still healing emotionally as it were a traumatic experience. Gynae has advised us to go for IVF for our next family planning.
For my 1st pregnancy - we and gynae didn't know we have such genetic problem
For my 2nd pregnancy - gynae was optimistic and has encouraged us go for natural conception we were also having positive thoughts after finding out pregnant
Few days ago I was having dream that I have missed my period this month and tested positive for pregnancy and I cried to my husband (in dream). After I woke up and recalled the dreams, it felt so real (as my menses is due soon) and I'm so afraid it will come true. This is the first time I'm so terrified to get pregnant as I couldn't go through the same again.
After my 2nd pregnancy termination, I felt I have lost interest in everything. I always felt lethargic, no interest, lazy, don't feel like doing anything mood. I'm not as happy as before. My husband has make effort to make me happy like bringing me for staycations, buying me stuff, but I just felt empty in me though I'm happy when he does these. He does not know how to console me, when we lost both of our babies and I have cried so hard, he just told me to stop crying and we can try again.
I thought I am getting better each day, but no.
Since I'm working from home now, and my job scope isit that busy, I will just lazed on sofa and play with my phone, be it scrolling on social media, watching fb live selling, keep spending money on online shopping etc to ease my anxiety and emptiness in me. Few times when my husband is working from home and saw me lazing around, he will passed remarks to me such as u look lazy, u always look so free, u always do nothing, u always watching fb live as if u have no life etc. I felt hurt though I know he is stating fact as what he is seeing on me. I couldn't defend myself as I knew I have becoming like this but I just doesn't have the mood to do anything. I have tried to go for online courses but whatever I was listening and reading just doesn't go in to my brain as I was just staring on the pc.
Most of my close girlfriends recently has given birth/got pregnant and to be honest, I felt a little sensitive when they shared on their good news. Of course I am happy for them, but I couldn't engage in their conversation as they are sharing motherhood stuff.
As I am nearing to mid-30s, gynae has advised us to go for a review next year for our preparation of IVF. I am so afraid of the process of IVF, or update of our fertility status due to my age, and the process of pregnancy if IVF is successful. My heart couldn't take it if my pregnancy fails again. I know I sounds pessimistic, because I have been so optimistic on my 1st and 2nd pregnancies and turns out to be my worst nightmare, I am so afraid of everything now.
And thanks for listening to me. It has been a roller coaster ride for the past 2 years and I wouldn't know when I will be ready for my next family planning.
Anonymous