Just wanted to share my feelings

I'm a SAHM and have a 14m & 1m old baby. I'm staying with my mom. Since I had my 2nd it's kinda hard for me to handle housework and 2 kids. I always feel tired all the time. I barely had the time to feed my toddler. Pls don't judge me, I know it's not good for him if he doesn't have proper meals. I also find it hard for me to eat proper meals. Sometimes I only eat once a day and have to rush eating my food as my NB will be crying. Even aft 1m postpartum I still can't adjust well with a toddler & nb. I feel so stressed handling two kids at the same time. Sometimes I find myself just staring blankly at my NB and ignoring her cries. I also had bad thoughts on my mind. There are times when I raise my voice to my NB or toddler whenever they can't stop crying. Also, my mom comment abt my son weight. She said that when my sis in law brings my son out and sleepover once in a while at her hse, my son seems to be more chubbier but whenever my son's with me he seems to look skinnier. I thought to myself, ofc my sis in law is able to take better care of my son. She has a maid to help with housework and she doesn't work, so she's able to focus all her time with my son. I feel so sad that me as a mom, I can't even take care of my own son properly and others are capable of doing a better job than me. I just kept quiet and didn't tell anyone about my feelings. My husband works a 12hr night shift so he will sleep during the day. He does help me bathe our kids and look after them for abt 1-2hr aft he reaches home while I shower n do as much housework as I can. But aft that he needs to sleep and rest, I understand that he needs his rest. I really feel so useless and stressed as a mom that I can't take care of them properly. Why can't I be like other moms who have more than one kid and still manage with the housework Sorry for this long post