Stranded Between Hopeful and Hopeless
I am a new mother. My child is 4 months old. My husband has had a drinking problem for a very long time but when our son was born he said he would cut down or maybe stop. I agreed because I know deep down he will be a good dad. Recently, he has been hiding and ordering alcohol and drinking by himself when our son and I are not home. And so I come home with my 4months old to a man that smells or cigarettes and stale liquor. It happens almost everyday. When I voice out my feelings he blames me and says I am the reason he is drinking but when he is sober he tells me how amazing of a wife and mother I am. He has recently gotten his mother involved by telling her that I am a broken and unbalanced person and he needs to pick up the pieces of my life. Truth is I am doing good. I am back working and my son is being looked after by my parents and I will usually either work from their home or the office. Either way, my son is doing very well and is a happy baby. I do not ask my husband for anything financial wise cause if helps now he will throw it back at me when he drinks so I do not depend on him in any way. Sometimes, I confide in him about the stress of my work and he also throws it back at me and now I am learning to not confide as well. I have my parents and my siblings so I confide in them instead. At least no one throws it at my face. I am in a state where I am thinking if leaving him is ideal cause I can’t have a husband who makes me feel so small, scolds or calls me names and only decides to be a father when he is available to our child. Last. Last night he scolded me for coming back at 7.40pm from my parents home and he was shouting and calling me names and drinking and I just kept quiet and pleaded with him to not shout or fight in front our child. He said no and continued. I don’t know what to do or to say anymore. I have had a series of anxiety attacks and breakdowns when I am alone cause I am lost. I need to make sure my son had a happy, safe and healthy environment and right now having his father around us does not help. Can anyone suggest or give me some words of wisdom?