Stranded Between Hopeful and Hopeless

I am a new mother. My child is 4 months old. My husband has had a drinking problem for a very long time but when our son was born he said he would cut down or maybe stop. I agreed because I know deep down he will be a good dad. Recently, he has been hiding and ordering alcohol and drinking by himself when our son and I are not home. And so I come home with my 4months old to a man that smells or cigarettes and stale liquor. It happens almost everyday. When I voice out my feelings he blames me and says I am the reason he is drinking but when he is sober he tells me how amazing of a wife and mother I am. He has recently gotten his mother involved by telling her that I am a broken and unbalanced person and he needs to pick up the pieces of my life. Truth is I am doing good. I am back working and my son is being looked after by my parents and I will usually either work from their home or the office. Either way, my son is doing very well and is a happy baby. I do not ask my husband for anything financial wise cause if helps now he will throw it back at me when he drinks so I do not depend on him in any way. Sometimes, I confide in him about the stress of my work and he also throws it back at me and now I am learning to not confide as well. I have my parents and my siblings so I confide in them instead. At least no one throws it at my face. I am in a state where I am thinking if leaving him is ideal cause I can’t have a husband who makes me feel so small, scolds or calls me names and only decides to be a father when he is available to our child. Last. Last night he scolded me for coming back at 7.40pm from my parents home and he was shouting and calling me names and drinking and I just kept quiet and pleaded with him to not shout or fight in front our child. He said no and continued. I don’t know what to do or to say anymore. I have had a series of anxiety attacks and breakdowns when I am alone cause I am lost. I need to make sure my son had a happy, safe and healthy environment and right now having his father around us does not help. Can anyone suggest or give me some words of wisdom?

Anonymous

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I hope you find peace soon that you absolutely deserve 💓 Don't take your husband's words to heart and blame yourself for anything. The problem is with him. He is in denial and simply trying to shift the blame from him. Just make sure your family and in-laws knows your side of story. Not that it matters a lot but you don't need to be blamed for someone else's fault. It's not at all a healthy environment for your baby to grow. You need to bring things under control soon. Since mentioned your husband is remorseful when he is sober, try taking him for counselling and sending him to rehab. He will agree to it if he wants your marriage to work and be a good and responsible father. But if he prioritizes his drinking habits over his family, you stand up for yourself and your baby and leave him. You already mentioned he is not supporting you financially or emotionally and he doesn't seem to care about the effects he is having on his baby. So I'm sure you will be better off without him. But if he is willing to change and putting in efforts he can have a family.

Maybe try having a serious talk with him when he’s sober? If he doesn’t wanna change then i guess u should move out, for child’s sake. Last resort is a divorce, sorry no offence here, but a deadbeat dad is worse than no dad. I grew up in a household of unhappy marriages, daily fights, when they finally divorced everyone was so happy, I finally felt peace n I never hated the idea of it. Some people are just better off apart

Dear, it’s time to dish out the ultimatum (when he’s sober), otherwise you’re going to be stuck in a cycle. Does he add value to your life? Is he the father you’d hoped him to be? I was in an unhappy marriage once and happy to lend a listening ear.

Sorry no words of wisdom but Hang in there mummy!

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