Post Partum Depression

Ang hirap din pala magkimkim. I know nakikita nyo ko post ko dito. Just struggles no concrete stuff. I just hope sa mga nakakakilala sakin to not share any as this is my last hope of venting out what I've been keeping for myself since I've discovered I've been cheated on. (Or still being, I'm afraid). I usually do not open my H's phone. I'm that trusting. Then one time, I decided to open it, voila I read the texts. Mga I love you, bilin, filthy texts, usapang s--, and the girl knows my H is married. Living with us. I can't forget he even mentioned at 4 am while he said he was on an OT that "wait baby kunin ko lang baon ko" which I was unknowingly cooking for someone who I thought was just going to work. Girl replied sige, dalian mo. To note, my husband and I call each other baby too. I wept. I cried. I died that day. He said he felt free. While here at home he felt imprisoned He admitted when I asked. Blamed my shortcomings, said I was never really there and he never really saw us (pati si LO) in his future. But I clearly read in the texts "I wanna make you a mommy" to the teenager. Yes this was a teenager. 18-19 as I remember. As she even agreed that they need to regulate their "dates" since this "shit " (my discovery, per my H's words) happened. I am torn. I remember the words. I remember her sending my H a photo of her "stomach" raised shirt almost to the chest. Like a tease. I live it as a nightmare. I discovered receipts. Gas, dinner out, food, flowers, request ni girl na mag Victoria court, pabili ng milk tea, cream cheese---they even had a joke the girl did not like my husband's "unauthentic" milk cheese". To the pain I still see all those I my head. He said he may love the girl. He has never said I love you to me after I discovered the affair. They were fucking each other atleast once a week, and it became more frequent if I based it on the texts. We are heavy on debt, our car was used for this, that car was first family car. Yung mga pinabaon ko di nakakain kasi may iba na pala kinain si mister. Haha. ?Ang sakit. I feel ashamed but what can I do. I can't tell the world. That won't save us. I might delete it later on, I just really want to let it out because I already feel like dying everyday. The anxiety meds and anti-depressants don't work anymore. He admitted he had other affairs before. Said sorry. Took a while for him to come to his senses (or so I thought). We were updating. Each other. He came home on time more than ever. Then after some time, here we go again. I saw something again. Now I don't know if all his effort is just a facade. Or an effort that is true but is being defeated by the urge to cheat. Im almost sure the recent proof I saw was legit as f! Pero pagod na ako magconfront. I just wish sometimes I can disappear without worries for my kid. I don't want the pain anymore. I want justice, but it seems like it can never be served. Ayun lang. Marami naman gaya ko dito but the pain never decreases with the thought of those families ruined by infidelity. It makes me sadder that there are people willing to break families apart for God knows a temporary thing. I love him to death now means differently. It's just myself, dying for this love that he might not want after all.