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Ma. Elena Mediavilla, Philippines

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About Ma. Elena Mediavilla

Taking it day by day with love, strength, and so much hope for what’s ahead. 🩵

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Pakiramdam ko paubos na talaga ang pisi ko 😔

Para na naman akong mababaliw kakaisip. Pagod na pagod na ang isip at katawan ko parang gusto ko ng sumuko. Ang daming tumatakbo sa isip ko ngayon, at ang tanging gusto ko na lang ngayon at tuluyan ng magpahinga pero alam kong hindi maganda tong iniisip ko ngayon pero pagod na pagod na kasi ako sa lahat at gusto ko na lang matapos na to.

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Salamat, Anak, sa Pagkapit

Nakakaramdam ako ngayon ng matinding lungkot at takot. Kakabalita ko lang na nakunan ang pinsan kong buntis din. Ang bigat sa dibdib. Lalo akong natakot kasi halos pareho kami ng pinagdaanan, ilang araw lang ang nakakalipas nang ako naman ang muntik na ring mawalan. Pero heto ako ngayon… unti-unting nagrerecover, at higit sa lahat, ikaw, anak, patuloy na kumakapit. Nalulungkot ako para sa pinsan ko, pero hindi ko rin maipaliwanag ‘yung nararamdaman ko. Hindi ko maalis sa isip na kahit ilang beses akong nanghina, nariyan ka pa rin. At oo, may mga sandali ring napapaisip ako… “Paano kung wala ka na rin?” Hindi dahil ayokong mabuhay ka, anak. Kundi dahil natatakot ako, sa buhay na naghihintay sa’yo, sa gulo ng sitwasyon ko, sa takot at lungkot na dala ng relasyon namin ng tatay mo. Alam kong hindi sapat ang presensya ng tatay mo. Alam kong hindi ito ang pamilyang pangarap ko para sa’yo. Pero ito ang totoo: kahit nabuo ka sa isang maling panahon, hinding-hindi naging mali ang pagkabuo mo. Hindi ko pinagsisisihang dumating ka. Sa totoo lang, mas madalas akong humahanga sa’yo, kasi habang ako ay nanghihina, ikaw ay kumakapit. Ikaw ang paalala sa akin na kailangan kong lumaban, magpakatatag, at buuin muli ang sarili ko. Pasensya ka na, anak, kung may mga panahong nadadala ako ng lungkot at pagod. Pero kahit ganito, tandaan mong mahal na mahal kita. At araw-araw akong nagpapasalamat dahil pinipili mong manatili. Salamat sa patuloy mong pagkapit. Dahil sa’yo, alam kong may dahilan pa akong bumangon. Mahal na mahal kita, anak. Sobra. 🤍

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Holding It All In

Some days I really feel like I’m just barely holding it together. Life is testing me in so many ways.. physically, emotionally, mentally. I’m pregnant, I’m exhausted, I’m overwhelmed… and yet I keep pretending I’m okay. People see me smiling, hear me laughing, but they don’t know I cry when I’m alone. I cry myself to sleep some nights. Ang bigat-bigat na ng lahat, pero kailangan ko pa ring magpakatatag para sa baby ko. And honestly? I feel like I’m about to break. Ang daming iniisip, ang daming kailangang asikasuhin, ang daming responsibilities. Pero wala akong masabihan. Wala akong mapaglabasan ng lahat ng nararamdaman ko. I’m scared people won’t understand.. or worse, judge me for how I feel. So for now, I’ll just cry when no one’s looking.. and keep fighting quietly. One day at a time. For this little life growing inside me.

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🌧️ Para sa’yo, Anak Kahit Pagod na si Nanay

Tahimik ako nitong mga araw na ‘to. Hindi dahil ayos lang ako… kundi dahil pagod na pagod na ako. Sa dami ng nangyayari, parang wala na akong mapagpahingahan, kahit ang sarili ko. Ang dami kong iniiyak sa loob, pero wala naman akong masabihan. Lahat kinikimkim ko na lang. Kasi feeling ko, kapag nagsalita ako, baka tuluyan na akong mabasag. Muntik na kitang mawala, anak. At nung nalaman kong nag-open na ang cervix ko, parang gumuho lahat. Tinanong ko ang sarili ko kung kasalanan ko ba, kung may pagkukulang ako. Tinanong ko kung karapat-dapat ba akong maging nanay mo. Kasi minsan hindi ko na rin kilala ang sarili ko. Sa dami kong pinagdaanan mga pagkakamali sa buhay. Hindi ako proud sa lahat ng desisyon ko. Pero alam mo, mula nung nalaman kong andyan ka sa loob ko, nagsimula akong gustuhin maging mabuting tao. Pasensya ka na, anak. Pasensya kung minsan parang pinanghihinaan ako ng loob. Pasensya kung ang mundo natin ngayon ay magulo, at ang dami kong sugat na hindi pa humihilom. Pero sa kabila ng lahat ng ito, pinipili ko pa ring lumaban. Para sa’yo. Pinangako ko sa sarili ko… gagawin ko ang lahat para hindi mo maramdaman ang lungkot at sakit na paulit-ulit kong tiniis. Bubuuin ko ang sarili ko, kahit paunti-unti, basta mabigyan lang kita ng tahimik at maayos na buhay. Mahal na mahal kita, anak. Kahit ngayon pa lang, buo na ang puso ko para sa’yo. Huwag kang bibitaw kay Nanay, ha? Lalaban tayo. Magkasama. 🩵

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Holding On With Hope 🩵

Pregnancy Update Currently on bed rest and under close observation after a little scare. It’s not the easiest season, but I’m holding on for myself and for this little life growing inside me. There are days that feel uncertain, but also filled with quiet strength, grace, and hope. Right now, I’m choosing to pause, breathe, and believe that everything is happening for a reason and that better, brighter days are ahead. To my fellow moms who are also going through something tough: you’re not alone. Your strength is valid, your fears are real, and your faith is more powerful than you think. Please send a little encouragement and prayer our way, and I’m sending all my love and strength back to each of you too. 🤍 #PregnancyJourney #MamaInProgress #HopefulHeart #BedRestButBrave #StrongerTogether

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Para sa Aking Munting Pag-asa 🩵

Mahal kong anak, Ngayong sinusulat ko ito, ramdam na ramdam ko ang bigat sa dibdib ko. Pasensya ka na, anak. Pasensya kung ganito si Nanay ngayon, mahina, laging pagod, at mas maraming luha kaysa ngiti. Hindi ko rin minsan maintindihan ang sarili ko. Pero isa lang ang malinaw, hindi kita pinagsisisihan. Alam ko, nabuo ka sa hindi perpektong panahon at sa isang sitwasyong maraming tao ang hindi makakaintindi. Pero kahit ganoon, ikaw ang pinili ko. Masaya ako noong nalaman kong nabubuo ka sa loob ko. Masaya ako dahil may bunga ang pagmamahalan namin ng tatay mo, kahit pa ito’y hindi nagtagal gaya ng inaasahan. Sa totoo lang, anak, mahal ko ang tatay mo, mahal na mahal. Binigay ko ang lahat, at marahil, doon ako naging marupok. Pinangarap kong buo tayo, sabay ka naming hinintay at salubungin ka sa mundo. Pero hindi ganon ang nangyari. Iniwan ako ng realidad, at ngayon, mag-isa kong nilalabanan ang sakit. Hindi ko sinasadya na maging makasarili. Minsan inuuna ko ang sarili kong lungkot at sakit at nakakalimutan kong may isang maliit na buhay sa loob ko na tahimik lang na nangangailangan. Pasensya na, anak. Pero gusto kong malaman mo, ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit pilit pa rin akong lumalaban. Hindi pa kita nahahawakan pero mahal na mahal na kita. Ikaw ang liwanag sa lahat ng dilim na pinagdaraanan ko ngayon. At kahit hindi ko alam kung paano haharapin ang lahat, ipinapangako ko, gagawin ko ang lahat para sa’yo. Ipaglalaban kita, aalagaan kita, at mamahalin ko ang sarili ko, dahil kailangan mo ako. Alam ko rin na mahal ka ng tatay mo, pero magulo lang ang mundo niya ngayon. Kaya pinili ko munang lumayo, hindi para ipagkait ka, kundi para mas maprotektahan kita habang mahina pa si Nanay. Darating ang araw na magiging mas matatag ako, at mas maibibigay ko ang mundong nararapat sa’yo. Kaya anak, habang nandiyan ka sa loob ko, sana maramdaman mo kung gaano kita kamahal. Sana maramdaman mo na kahit lumuluha si Nanay, araw-araw niya pa ring pinipili na mabuhay, para sa’yo. Ikaw ang pag-asa ko. Ikaw ang dahilan ng lakas ko. Ikaw ang munting himala ko. Mahal na mahal kita, anak. At ipapangako ko sa sarili ko, hinding-hindi kita pababayaan. – Kay Nanay, na patuloy na lalaban para sa’yo 🌻

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You Made Me Live Again 🎶 Song by Janet Basco

I was down and out and feelin' so low You took my hand and eased my mind I was astray, you showed me the way And now I finally found my home in you I still recall the times I've been through Confused, didn't know what to do I almost gave up but you gave me hope You've made me strong as the days went on You made me live again I was lost in the dark With my lonely, broken heart Then you came along You took me home And made me your own You were always there to lend a helping hand When good friends were hard to find When things went wrong, you made them right You've made my days so bright You made me live again I was lost in the dark With my lonely, broken heart Then you came along You took me home And made me your own Now look at me Yes, a different me Back on my feet again I'm not afraid to face the world again 'Cause you taught me how to be strong You made me live again You made me live again

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Strong, But Scared 😔

Some days I feel okay, then suddenly everything feels heavy, like I could cry for no reason. Being pregnant has brought so many emotions I didn’t expect. Lately, I found out I have a low-lying placenta and I’ve been experiencing frequent brown discharge. It scares me. I try to stay strong, but honestly… I feel so alone sometimes. I haven’t told anyone, but I needed to let it out somewhere. 💔

Hello same po! Last ultrasound completely covering the uterus so pina bedrest. Ngayon “umakyat” na yung placenta and nawala na ang discharges. OB higher chance it will go up once you enter 18 weeks and above. I understand the overthinking

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Carrying Life, Carrying Faith 🩵

Pregnancy is often called a beautiful journey, and yeah, it really is. But what people don’t always say out loud is how heavy it can feel sometimes. Your body changes in ways you never thought possible. And your mind? It’s constantly running. Even the smallest cramp can send you into full-on worry mode. Is my baby okay? Did I do something wrong? Should I be concerned? It’s not just the physical tiredness, it’s the emotional and mental weight that sits with you every day. The overthinking. The what-ifs. The waiting. But in the middle of all that, one thing keeps me grounded: faith. When it all gets a little too much, I find myself going back to prayer. Nothing fancy, just a quiet moment between me and God. “Dear God, I lift up this little life growing inside me. Please continue to protect and nurture her. Keep her healthy and strong as she grows. And when the time comes, I pray for a safe delivery and a healthy baby in my arms. Amen.” That prayer has become part of my rhythm. It helps quiet the noise in my head. It reminds me that I don’t have to carry everything on my own. Because the One who’s really in control loves this baby, and me, more than I’ll ever fully understand. So for now, I breathe. I pray. I take it day by day. And every time I feel her little kicks, I remember: I’m not just carrying a baby. I’m carrying love, hope, and a whole new life. 🌻

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A Letter from My Heart 🩵

To my parents and to the father of my child, These days, I carry a heaviness inside me that’s difficult to explain. You are the people I love most, and yet it is because of you that I feel this overwhelming sadness in my heart. I want to be angry, but I can’t. Because the truth is, I love you deeply, and no amount of misunderstanding can ever change that. I know I’m far from perfect. I’ve made mistakes, and I’m still learning. But right now, everything feels so heavy and confusing. My mind is a mess, and my heart is even more so. With everything happening in my life, especially in this new chapter I’m about to face, I need you more than ever. Yet somehow, I feel so far away from you, because of the hurt I’ve been carrying inside. To my parents, I know I’ve disappointed you. I know I’ve caused pain, and that pain never leaves my heart. I feel your concern for me, and I know you only want the best. But sometimes the words you say, even if they come from love, cut me deeply. I’m sorry if I seem distant, and if it looks like I’ve hardened my heart. Truth is, this is just the only way I know how to look strong, so I won’t bother you with my burdens. But if you only knew how much I long for your comfort, for your embrace. I miss the feeling of being cared for. I am so tired, and all I want is to feel safe in your love again. Please forgive me if I’m not able to say this out loud. I need you, now more than ever. To the father of my child, If you only knew how much I love you and how much joy it brings me to carry the child we once dreamed of. I still remember how happy we were, imagining this future together, becoming parents, raising a child, building a life. But now, that joy is mixed with sorrow. Not because I don’t want this child, but because you’re not here the way I need you to be. Yes, you are physically present, but something between us has changed. And that’s what hurts the most. I feel like I’m facing this dream alone, something we once promised to do side by side. I want to blame you for the pain, I want to be angry at you for leaving me emotionally when I need your presence the most. But even in all that, I still wish for us to find our way back to peace. I pray that in time, I find healing, for the pain I feel, and for the distance that now exists between me and the people I hold dear. I hope the day will come when all this bitterness fades, when my heart can fully forgive, and when love can take its place again. Despite it all, I remain hopeful. I believe that things can still turn around, and that someday, we will all understand each other better. I pray for strength, not only for me but for all of us. Because soon, a little soul will come into this world, and I want to welcome that child with joy, love, and peace in my heart. I may be struggling now, but I am choosing to move forward with faith. I will keep hoping for better days, for reconciliation, for forgiveness, and for a brighter tomorrow. 🌻

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