Post Partum Depression

Giving birth to my first child was beyond difficult.  I lost my breath and left my body. It was a near death experience(NDE) for me. I could hear and feel everything the doctor and the nurses say and do but my soul wandered somewhere else. It was not a flash of my entire life before my eyes nor a bright light I am trying to catch but rather a dark endless passage with burning torches mounted to colossal pillars. I saw and felt my self running in that passage anxiously crying, screaming and searching for my loved ones but there was no place to go and they were all nowhere to be found. It was a constant run in the frightening dark until I recovered and was able to grasp into life once more. I was crying when I awoke. I was in extreme thirst. I was in intense fear - fear of being alone. I was able to live my life once more. First few days I was happy until I realized I knew nothing about being a mother to my child then the next days up to now became surge of negative emotions. My life is completely strange. I am furious, guilty, upset, exhausted, pressured and etc.. I feel like a horrible mother. I feel like drowning from my frustrations even so I didn't feel like hurting my baby.  I love my son so much but i can't get hold of my emotions. This must be the so-called post-partum depression and I know it is getting worse. Though I have my mom and my husband's support, their comfort only feels like a temporary relief. This is my fear. I am feeling alone. I did not go past through the dark passage from my near death experience I am still there. I am in the dark and I am alone. It is getting cold I wanted ten thousand hugs.. It is getting tough, I needed a hundred more sweet words. These must be a lot but maybe, just maybe they're all I need. **i wrote this about 2 weeks ago. 4 weeks postpartum. Somehow nakatulong sakin yang pag sulat mg kung ano yung nararamdaman ko. Gradually nawawala din yung PDD. As of now medyo okay naman nako. Need mo lang ng support mommy saka ng makakausap na makakaintindi sayo para makaraos sa post partum depression. Palakasin mo loob mo at wag kakalimutan magdasal. Humanap ka ng outlet kung saan gagaan pakiramdam mo e.g sakin pagsusulat, music, etc..