Battling through depression?

Hi. I’m a mother of a special need child. Everything was great until labour, things happened and my girl suffered severe brain injury. We lost her for 10 mins, she was successfully resuscitated but because there was no oxygen to her brain for very long, she suffered. It was a very tough journey but we braved through the storm. It’s even tough because I lost my beloved dad to Cancer before I got to know I was actually pregnant. He was my superhero and he was always there whenever I had problems. It has been 10 months. My babygirl spent most of her life in the hospital. She was in NICU for more than a month before she was discharged and we had to admit her back again for aspiration pneumonia and then she was hospitalised for more than 6 months until we finally brought her home. During this period, my husband only managed to take a week of break from work otherwise we are not able to sustain financially as I had to take a longer unpaid leave. We were both exhausted. We are under palliative care and it was reassuring as they are always there to help us out whenever we encounter problems (low oxygen etc). Our little girl requires us to look after her 24/7 as she is on ventilator and we had to ensure the mask is on her correctly and oxygen levels/heart rate had to be monitored closely. She often has very bad dystonia that also makes her hard to sleep. My mum is staying with us, she’s not good with the machines but she has done a lot by helping us prepare food, house chores and also carrying our little girl, making sure everything is okay. We barely had time for ourselves. Whenever I had time in my hand, it’s either I had to rest or pack my orders as I am also doing online business to sustain financially. It has been exhausting. At times I want to break down but being the main caregiver, I know I couldn’t afford to. I forced myself to get on day by day, each day battling with my own little devil inside my head, making me feel anxiety. My mistake was that I did not open up to people. I kept it all in there. I soon snapped. I had really bad anxiety attack, I hyperventilated. My chest hurts, my whole limbs froze. No one could actually understand what I was going through. Everything that came out from people’s mouth felt like a dagger. I know they meant well but I felt attacked. I felt alone. Is this how depression feels? I’ve been trying my very best to brave through everything. I’m so afraid. I’m afraid that if anything happens to me, who will be the one taking care of my baby girl? She needs me.

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Dear Fareena, I've been your silent follower ever since I read about your labour story here, right in this app itself before it was deleted. I can't help but feel like I wanna hug you even though we do not know each other at all. It's easy for me to say but know that this is all Allah's will. I honestly feel that your baby is so beautiful, Masha Allah. So, so beautiful. Whenever I see your IG story on her, I will smile. Dear Fareena, mothers are often portray as a strong human being, from strength to heart. They also say mothers are superwoman but they do not know that we are just a normal human being, we break down too but we always stand up tall and most times we mothers hate when people see our tears. We cry in silence but will always put up a happy face in front of others. No one knows what we've been through unless they walk in the same shoe. Dear Fareena, what you're experiencing is anxiety disorder. Depression is much more than that. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder years ago and am still battling it + I've had very bad panic attack many times. Anxiety made me shun other humans. I overthink. I hate being with other people, with strangers or in a crowd. I hate family gatherings. I feel suffocated. I hate when people think bad about me or talk bad about me. I will sleep off my mind whenever I feel tired of the world. This always works for me! I've had many episodes of panic attack at home and even in public which made me drop to the floor, trembling and crying and hyperventilating. I felt as though I was about to die. Also happens while in A&E and the nurses had to calm me down. I hate when that happens cos it's painful mentally. And whenever that happens at home, I will try to run to my husband or call him for a tight hug because he made me feel safe. I thought that was it. I was tired of it. I was tired of the 'pain'. I was tired of having to take my medication (I was on a long term medication for my anxiety disorder). And then someone recommended me to recite Surah Al Insyirah. Masha Allah it works like magic! You've got to try it! Helps you to calm down instantly. I've not had anymore episodes of panic attack or anxiety. I keep myself busy. I bake at home. I watch comedies (Running Man is my fav). Go out see the greens. Just make my mind busy as possible so it will not trigger anything. I do not have any close friends just friends that I talk to in whatsapp group. I always feel lonely but that does not mean I cannot be happy. Your beautiful baby needs you, yes so try to fight it as much as possible. It's really easy for me to say this but keep fighting! Try to recite the surah I said above. And tell yourself this is all a test from Him. Your ticket to Jannah. Inshaa Allah.

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3mo ago

Masya’Allah, thank you so much for sharing ❤️ Whatever you described, it’s exactly how I felt. I will try Surah Al Insyirah as recommended by you. I am also considering to seek help because I think this affects my family too especially my husband who has changed drastically. This anxiety disorder is really frustrating and it pains me when people around thought i should control myself. I have tried so so hard and why would we want this to happen to ourselves right?😞