im so tired… and lost…

Question

i havent been back here to rant in a while and i thought things were finally looking up; i thought we were finally getting along but i guess im wrong. like most anons, i used to frequent this app when i had worrying questions back when LO was still an infant/newborn and on some occasions i would come to rant and seek out advice from other mom/parents who had in-laws who were difficult to get along with— now bubs is a toddler and i cant believe im still not seeing eye to eye w them or maybe im starting to realise they just have a problem with me but oh well, im back here to rant and vent out my feelings… AGAIN. to start things off, i was the sole caretaker of bubs (and i already had issues with my mother-in-law since day 1) until i had to enter the workforce and focus on providing for our family (hubs also worked but not in the corporate industry). my in-laws and us decided that it would be best if their helper took care of bubs until bubs was old enough to go to childcare PG. everything was going great, a few miscommunications along the way, until today— and it broke the camel’s back. i would usually fetch bubs from in-laws place after im done with work and we would go home (we currently stay at my parents’ place— this is important) from there. but today, i couldnt do so due to work so i asked hubs to fetch bubs just for today. while at work, i noticed our baby camera sent out a notification for baby crying so i checked it out, asked hubs, no response— understandable as he had to take care at that moment. so i came home from work, bubs was fast asleep so hubs and i ate dinner together before bubs woke up. around 30 mins later, bubs woke up crying and was inconsolable, we didnt know what was wrong so naturally and logically, hubs went to text a groupchat with my in-laws and helper to ask if anything happened today to which they replied nothing out of the ordinary. my mum was worried and so were we, she suggested to give paracetamol (she’s a nurse) as bubs looked like he was really in pain and he felt stiff on the bottom part of his body. i noticed hubs felt a bit unsure of the idea of giving meds as if it felt unnecessary and we dont really know what’s wrong at that point, so i asked him to hear out his opinion to which he replied, “idk babe, im not a doctor”. fair, so i decided to put the meds aside and waited for my mum to calm bubs down. she instructed me to ask in-laws/helper in the groupchat if bubs has been having diarrhoea and might have a stomachache. so i did. after some time, my mum suggested to change his diaper and lo and behold, he pooped his pants (it was really watery) and from then he went back to being inconsolable and was stiff again. hubs went to wash bub’s groin area and he stopped crying until it was time to change diaper and i suggested to put the rash cream in case he has any rashes and to also prevent them from appearing. he declined and said bub doesnt need it and he usually doesnt even put it on in the first place. i got pissed so i told him i’ll just do it instead and my mum and i saw some huge rashes/bumps on bub’s groin. AND HE STILL HAD THE NERVE NOT TO PUT ON THE DAMN RASH CREAM. back to my in-laws and this is where the problem begins— i texted the groupchat to conclude the problem to bub’s inconsolable crying and informed them that bubs just have some rashes on the groin area. after that, hubs reprimanded me by saying that he’ll handle the texting and told me not to text anymore. obviously pissed at that idea, i opposed and asked why i couldn’t ask as it’s my son we’re talking about here. mother-in-law thought i was attacking their helper for questioning if bubs has been having diarrhoea. all i did was ask a genuine question, what’s so wrong about that? please someone enlighten me because wtf? how did this even turn into a mishap? and how did it lead up to me becoming at fault? at that point, mother-in-law was replying with an attitude and that i should just ask her straight instead of asking their helper. i was enraged at the fact that my husband had to reason with his mum and had to explain to her that i was just asking a question. after all of this, hubs and i got into a heated argument, mentioning divorce. and i lost it. so many dark thoughts went through my head and then there’s work… like ugh, im just so… tired. why do i have to deal with all of this unnecessary stuff. if anyone has reached up to this point, thank you so much for taking the time to read. i genuinely am asking for advice on what to do next… i’ll take anything at this point. #ranting

Carol · Accepted Answer

U know, text is the worse way to express ourselves as there’s no way our feelings are represented fully and correctly. Don’t take such texts personally. From your POV, u are asking a genuine question but your MIL thot otherwise. All that misunderstanding is cos we read texts differently. We interpret the feelings and emotions behind the text in our own lenses which may not necessarily be the case at all. Also, you guys decided that the helper would help you guys out till the time came for him to go PG. So…Why don’t you just assure the helper that you aren’t blaming her for anything but just letting everyone know why bubs was crying inconsolably so no one is blamed. Also, talk to the hubs and let him know just becos of a small misunderstanding and divorce is put on the table is unacceptable. Where humans and relationships are concerned, there will bound to be frictions cos we are all different, we view things differently, have different upbringing, etc…so the key is to communicate such that we understand each other and learn to accept and accommodate one another. If there be parts where we don’t like, learn to talk it out to come to an understanding. Stuffing things under the carpet isn’t going to help things in the long run. Honestly, having family to help care for bubs is way better than putting him in IFC/childcare where you cannot control the kind of influences he will face.