Anything wrong of me for telling this to my child?

Hi I have a 70yo plus father in law who is still a smoker, drinker, gambler and a womaniser who often sleeps with indecent china women until now. Anyway this is him and he has been doing all these with or without my late mum-in-law. When my mum-in-law is around, she never even allow my father in law to put & mix his clothes with rest of the others into the washer for washing, her main reason was worrying if he carries any STDs (e.g: Herpes) and may infect the other family members. Even his own children (my hubby & his both sisters) despised on him and also think he doesn’t deserve to be respected at all. So I have a young toddler whom I often told her not to stay too close to her grandpa (referring to my father in law) when she’s very young, I emphasised many times to her don’t allow him kiss and touch her all the times. Now my child is old enough to express herself so she will say in front of him during our family gatherings or even when doing video recordings too. I did feel abit embarrassed for this when they learnt about why my child is saying “grandpa is dirty!” but at the same time, I don’t want to deny how this is what I felt and wanted my child to stay away from him (worried he has any sexual diseases etc). And I feel so upset because my sis in law once told my husband to tell me to try leave a good impression of their dad to my child, but how to accept this and lie to my child about my father in law is actually a good grandpa? In fact, he is not a good grandpa at all, he seldom visit my child and has never bought much things for my kid if he really dears her, he squandered all his money on gambling, drinking and patronising women. Instead for my own mum, I have never ask her to do all these but she will purposely travel all the way via mrt, buys food, toys & even concocted herbal soup for my child (her grandchild). What would you do or say to your child as a mum if you were me? Did anyone of have experienced the similar father-in-law like that? Are you not concern if your dad-in-law (with such vices) will affect my child, especially the STD part including Herpes)?? Thanks for good advices.

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I don’t have the same experience as u but then I would say similar? I’m not sure but this occurs to my ‘MIL’ and ‘FIL’ okay here’s the story. Ever since I got pregnant, my own dad and mom has been supporting me, buying me tonics and all. Instead of my ‘PIL’ they haven’t been concerned about how I’m doing or how baby is doing they didn’t buy any tonic or food for me or for my baby inside my womb. And when I mentioned it to my husband he sides his mom and says it’s because I don’t stay with his parents, hello? Not even a text or a call to ask how am I doing? And although I don’t wish for my daughter to call them nana or poppy(grandma or grandpa) but I will have to bite my tongue and let them enjoy their grandchild. Because I don’t Wan her to grow up to be you know being disrespectful to her elders. Thou I would explain to her on how I feel and how were they when she was in my womb. (That’s when she’s a little bit older and can understand a little better of the world).

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I feel like there is a better approach to distance physical contact from the grandpa to your daughter. But what’s done is done and it will take some time to change your daughter’s mentality after growing years of emphasizing to her. If I were you, I’ll talk to her to explain that regardless of how grandpa is, basic respect is the least anyone should do. I also think that how you tell her not to stay too close to her grandpa plays a part in the choice of words she used in “grandpa is dirty” and I’m sure you’ll have your ways to prevent the same ugly situation from happening in future. Hang in there! =)

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No matter what he does, he is still your fil and your child’s grandfather. That’s his life. You as daughter in law u need to respect cos he’s your elderly. Did you ask if he has sickness? You cannot just assume and jump into conclusions. It’s very bad and unhealthy to do such things. And u should educate your child & yourself to respect others and especially elderly. Kids learn everything from home, especially parents. U don’t have to lie but u don’t have to tell her the truth either. Use gentle and kind words please. U wouldn’t want your child growing up to be rude.

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your father in law may be wrong. you haven't even know if he has STD and u alr assumed he has it. Even if he has it, u have to educate your child and yourself. STD doesn't pass ard like flu bug. its ok if u forbid your child to go near to him. but never teach your child to say hurtful words or anything disrespectful. what you teach is what your child will turn out to be.

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3y ago

STD or not, whatever the stickness may be, like what i mentioned its ok to forbid your child to go near him but its not ok to teach ur child to say hurtful words or anything disrespectful.

we knows our fathers but the kids doesnt nid to know or show rudeness in future. they see how we treated and soon, she will follow. Perhaps, after all that u can 'project' her grandpa good side as well. Somehow u just remind her to be caution with grandpa if hes around but respect is still respect.

3y ago

Of course, i will warn the grandpa not to be physical to the kids (kids or hug them) due to his nature and he will have to accept that they may be 'away' toward him. And if he knows of the consequence (of having the sickness) obviously he wont want to affect his grandkid (if he cares). Otherwise, take precaution. Yes, dont lie but somehow instill his good side toi so there she dont 100% thinks hes that dirty and disrespect him.

Will he try to be close to your daughter? If he doesn't, I think it's still alright. I won't find the need to explain to my daughter about not being close to him. But if he does, I will do the same way you did.

It's nothing to be shameful about as if it's a FACT. Better to be safe than sorry. In fact, HE is to be ashamed of his own actions and responsible of his own actions. His actions do not deserve to be respected.

3y ago

Yea I also fully agree in fact he should be the one feeling ashamed of his own doings, he doesn’t deserve any slight respect at all. And it’s true Herpes spread through saliva (like kissing & sharing of utensils) and through any open wounds, the most scary part are through cheeks & lips, many news have reported this babies got herpes because someone with Herpes infected them innocently.

I'll avoid being too close with father in law. Just visit for a while and leave as fast as I could... And be there only for reunion, else would stay away

3y ago

Well said. That’s what I also intend to tell this mummy too.


if I were you I won't use dirty. I will use grandpa is sick. sick is better than dirty. it really sound bad.

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I am quite direct with my daughter and I would tell her the situation as is.