A marriage plagued by infidelity.

My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We have two kids together. I would say that there's been many unmet needs on both sides but we tried to work things out together after one crisis about 2 years ago. The funny thing was i had two dreams in September and December 2023 which was about him cheating on me with other women. I told him about these dreams back then, and thought I was just overthinking or undergoing some suppressed trauma that I might not have been aware of. This year on my boy's birthday, something told me to check his phone and to my horror, I discovered he's been patronizing 'erotic massage' services over the past year. These would usually be on days/times he would tell me he has to leave for work earlier, or going out with his colleagues to have dinner. In a nutshell, my whole household knew about it cus I broke down like a mad woman, even worse than having to lose someone forever, worse than grieving over my late father. The whole estate could probably hear me in the wee hours. I could not help but to feel devastated, worthless and kept picturing him being touched by another woman. To me, the sexual intimacy was love making...I felt loved and protected, appreciated and cared for. His moves on me and all the passionate moments. Its been almost 3 weeks since I discovered, and I'm surprised how calm I am, despite going through bouts of breakdown and then transmuting that energy into focusing on my work. Went for counselling for myself, and also got him a counselor...and we planned to go for marriage counselling together after CNY. Frankly, I don't really know how to feel about this. It's so traumatic to believe he's capable of doing all of these despite him claiming to 'love me'. if he does love me, how can he bring himself to do these, moreover as a father. I did try to have sex with him after that but I kept ruminating images of him being touched and rode by other women. (He's received 3 hand jobs and 1 full f*** service, all different people). I no longer feel that the sexual intimacy we had is sacred. It's just lust. I thought I am going to start healing, cus frankly I have an elderly mother and two children. I don't wish to destabilize the family unit for now...and maybe deep down I still love this man...but I can never enjoy passionate moments, or be as happy as we used to be before. I feel like silenced, pained and foolish. There are times I would love for him to still be around. There are also times I wish he isn't here, cus really the thought of him being rode on by another woman, his 'jade stalk' penetrating another woman (despite a condom on), or his 'jade stalk' being massaged by other women (who also serviced other dirty men), is just totally off-putting. I feel hurt, worthless etc...and now I think I am coping with this by spending moment on myself - making myself confident, spending a lot of things (which I have been putting on hold due to expenses on children) to make myself happy, attractive (not for him but for myself). Although i continue to still have ruminating thoughts of him being f***ed by that whore...I just cannot help it... I could not eat, drink or function at all and on other days when i feel better I would eat just very little, reminding myself that I need to lose weight and feel attractive again, and sometimes I would just overeat. Just asking myself what exactly is wrong with me or the sex. Was I not good enough in bed when he told me he enjoys so much and he appreciates me all that. I know I am fat after the childbirth but I did not have the finances (or rather, had to channel our finances into our children and family) due to being dismissed during pregnancy back then. Who don't want to look pretty and look sexy? A week after I discovered, I had yet another dream showing me that he has shared his sexual service experience with a colleague (who reportedly was the one who introduced him to this spa, and many others). I confronted him about this because he told me he actually did not enjoy the experience and in fact, could not ejaculate as he felt 'weird' but finally did after the whore finished the service with a handjob instead (that's what he claimed). Then he said that he was just boasting about it to his colleague. So I told him, I rather him be sharing that he has mind blowing sex with me than to have said that! Regardless, I demanded that he tell his colleague that he is wrong to have done it, and that I have discovered this issue. I asked him about it that morning, and he said I'm overthinking things. That night, I had to trust my instincts and went to check his phone when I got home while he was taking a nap. I scrolled back to the time he was known to have being f**ked by the whore, hoping I am wrong about it. Indeed, i discovered he actually shared that his leg was 'jellified' and that he has not had such a mind-blowing experience for such a long time. Keeping in mind, his colleague has seen me, my kids and children a few times before. I thought I could at least move on from the discovery of the whoring...but this...is really devastating and insulting. Yet he can still tell me he loves me but he didn't know why he did all that last year, (while we were regularly sexing). I did consult legal advice and I know I have up till July to decide whether or not to file for divorce based on adultery. But inside, I am still fighting to try forgive him and move on in order not to destabilize our family unit. It would be too much for my elderly mother. (To be honest, I am shocked that she has 'forgiven' my husband, and not even wanting to pursue the matter. She said that for the sake of children, just have to self-sacrifice.) CNY just started so I am pretending strong, happy but actually deep down...I feel like shit. LIke now at 1am, I am feeling down and sad. Don't have anyone else to talk about this, although my RO (at work), and 1 trusted subordinate knew about this (it took me a long time to decide whether or not to even talk about it...but I needed a support network and just gave no f**cks about it anymore.) I feel that my heart is dead, not healing. Feels like a PTSD.